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AIBU?

to not allow DS to go to the school disco this evening?

16 replies

LackaDAISYcal · 03/10/2008 15:57

this is a bit complicated. DS, 6, was in bother at school last week for some inappropriate behaviour with another little boy involving putting their hands down the back of each others trousers while in a lesson .

the other boy has a bit if a history which we know about as he was involved in some inappropriate behaviour with more than one boy last year, one of whom was a friend's son.

We are going to see the head teacher about this on Monday, however a long chat with DS about it all and he seems to be taking on board the fact that this behaviour was innapropriate and understands about privacy etc.

Tonight is the school disco and given that he has seemed suitably humbled about it and has given the other boy a wide berth, we were prepared to let him go to the disco.

When DH picked him up from school just now, his teacher wanted a word. He and a few other boys were dropping their shorts during their PE lesson. He was the only one who was caught at it according to him and his defence was that one of his friends (not the boy from last week) "told him to do it", which of course the other bot denies.

Our instinct is to punish him by not letting him go to the disco, and given what went on last week we are a bit concerned about the way his behaviour is going.

I don't think the two incidents are related, but it is scaring the bejesus out of me to think that he is behaving like this. Is this just boyish silliness or a cause for concern? and are we right in denying him the disco or being a bit harsh?

I feel like I can't trust my own parenting abilities any more

Anyone?

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MrsMertle · 03/10/2008 16:02

YANBU You are being a good mum, and you are teaching your child the right way to behave.

Good on you

Grammaticus · 03/10/2008 16:04

I think you're right to ban the disco. Don't go on about it or berate him, but don't let him go. Good luck next week

TheProvincialLady · 03/10/2008 16:07

I would imagine that there is a spate of silliness going on in the class, nothing more sinister and nothing for you to worry about. The boys are just egging each other on to do silly and 'rude' things. It means nothing in a sexual way, if that is what you are worried about. If it reassures you I lifted up a teacher's skirt in the playground aged 8 (Disclaimer: I am a respectable married woman and have not assaulted a woman in this manner for nearly 30 years).

I don't think that banning your DS from the disco would be particularly helpful but a big chat about not being a sheep and being easily led etc probably would be. Try not to blame yourself - he is a 6 year old boy, of course he is silly and makes bum jokes and thinks that pulling his shorts down in PE is witty and risque. It would only be an incredibly mild concern if he was the only one in the class doing it, but clearly he is not. I think it is more of a school issue than one you need to deal with by extra punishments at home TBH.

ChopsTheDuck · 03/10/2008 16:07

tough one. I don't think I'd want to cancel the disco, but maybe another punishment.

I think you are right, and the second incident does sound like typical boyish behaviour. He is only 6, it is pretty typical. I think you are handing it well.

lollipopz · 03/10/2008 16:09

I also think yanbu, you are right it teaches your ds that his behaviour was innapropriate.
I had a situation with dd2 before when she was round playing ata wee friend's house who is a wee boy when they were about 4. they were playing outside and ended up taking their panos off to play "doctors" and touching each other although it was totally innocent and they were just being inquisitive they were both put to bed early that night with no treats, neither of them have done any thing like this again, think its just a wee lesson some kids need to learn xx

lilacclaire · 03/10/2008 16:10

Boys disgusting little creatures aren't they don't they go through a phase of this?
Totally up to you whether or not to let him go, but don't question your parenting, personally I would bollock him and let him go, but keep an eye on him.

NoblesseOblige · 03/10/2008 16:13

hmm. tricky. not so much what they were actually doing but the fact that they were disobeying teacher after being told off for something similar? don't think YABU for cancelling disco, but maybe make it clear that it is ok to play with your own bits, in the privacy of your own bedroom and it is the disobedience he is being punished for, not the actual act iyswim ?

lilacclaire · 03/10/2008 16:13

Lol at The ProvincialLady, I had a similar incident at that age, where I had been taken to a wedding and decided to stick my head up the brides dress (insert similar disclaimer)

LackaDAISYcal · 03/10/2008 16:15

I think what is making us worry is that the incidents last year that the first boy was involved in were pretty serious and involved child protection and my friend's family being investigated by social services. Of course I only know about this as she is a friend and needed someone to talk to about it; if we didn't have this prior knowledge than it would just be two silly unrelated incidents.

I don't want to ban the disco as I was looking forward to it; I'm involved in the pta committee, although not directly with this event, and lots of my friends will be there, but his behaviour has been pretty challenging this week and it seems like the last straw to break the camel's back.

aaargh....it isn't easy this parenting lark.

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RiallyEeRiaee · 03/10/2008 16:16

Tough one daisy. I think it's probably unrelated too, just a bugger that your DS was the one who got caught. How about a chat to reinforce your previous discussions and "I would not expect that kind of the behaviour at the disco, if you don't think you can keep your trousers on you'd better not go"?

I have been lucky in the pants department!

RiallyEeRiaee · 03/10/2008 16:17

If you are going to be there you can keep a very close eye and there is the embarrassment of being taken home early factor to bring into play.

LackaDAISYcal · 03/10/2008 16:20

lol, I did some silly stuff myself in my time and remember regualr games of "doctors and nurses" in the playground at primary school....we were just lucky in that we weren't caught

It's just this other stuff in the background that worries me.

But he is tidying his room at the minute while his dad and I consider what to do (ie wait for the MN response ), and I know he feels pretty daft about it....maybe that is punishment enough?

We have reinforced the "don't touch anyone else's bits, or let them touch yours, and only touch yours yourself in the privacy of your own room" and I think that has gotten through.

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LynetteScavo · 03/10/2008 16:22

I think a talking to about appropriate behaviour would have more of an impact than not letting him go to the disco.
Emphasise he needs to think for himself,and not do what everyone else is doing.

Sputnik · 03/10/2008 16:27

I think I'd let him go.

HollyPutTheKettleOn · 03/10/2008 16:27

Oh daisy, a tricky one. I don't think I would ban the disco, mainly because you are looking forward to it as well and this could be your last bit of fun before Virgil arrives!

Could you give him some chores to do? Or tell him he can't watch TV for the weekend?

Obviously if he behaves badly at the disco then take him home, but personally I would let him go.

I am clearly a bit soft though. Go with your instincts. If you feel that banning him from the disco is the punishment that would work best then go for it. Could you go without him? Would that be weird?

Hope you get it sorted lovely xx

LackaDAISYcal · 03/10/2008 16:37

Can't really go without him holly as I'm excused official duties on the grounds of advanced pregnancy and they have plenty of volunteers anyway.

DH and I have had a chat and our thinking is that we let him go but make it clear this is not a letting off the hook exercise. He has a list of extra chores to do tomorrow.

Thanks for the very reasoned viewpoints

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