To expect not to have to keep contacting a friend if want to meet up

[wonderwall]

I have namechanged. I have been friends with this lovley lady for about 4 years, our DC are friends too. We met on a fairly regular basis which was iniciated by both of in fairly equal measure. I always enjoy our meetings and my friend has said she does too and seems too! My DS loves her DS and they mostly play really well together.

Anyway, we were supposed to meet up - she cancelled saying she was going through a hard time - fair enough. I texted her back and said if she wanted to talk to give me a call. Anyway I texted her on a fairly regualr basis - no reply - this went on for a number of weeks then she replied asking to meet up - great - we did - was fab - told me all about the MAJOR problems she had been having - completley understood. Anyway arranged to meet up again - she cancelled - gave a valid excuse and I texted back a nice message back. She said that she would be in touch, 2 months ago and she has'nt.

I texted her yesterday - no reply. MY DS keeps asking when we can meet up and I really like her and want to meet up too.

AIBU to think that she could contact me? And what should I do?

[wonderwall]

Anyone?

[alicet]

I have had a similar situation recently. Kept asking mate to meet up and she kept making excuses (that all seemed totally reasonable) but never got back to ask me to meet.

Initially I was a bit put out but eventually just got fed up with it being so one sided and stopped asking. Now we occasionally bump into each other and it's amicable but I doubt we will be as close again.

I think sometimes people are close friends for a time but circumstances / whatever means you grow apart again. After going over and over the situation with my friend in my head I have concluded that this is what happened with us as I couldn't for the life of me think of anything I could have done to upset her and we have too many mutual friends for me to not have heard of anything big in her life that might have meant she was out of the loop for a while.

Maybe try and arrange playdates with her ds so your ds doesn't miss out rather than meeting all together?

[wonderwall]

alicet - Thanks for your reply. I'm sorry to hear that you have been through this too. I know what you mean about circumstances and growing apart!

I did think of the playdate thing but as it usually us that meet too I feel like she might think I'm snubbing her if I try and arrange a playdate? Is that stupid? I will be my next move if she does'nt reply to my text.

[influence]

I had a situation a while ago where I was the one who didn't keep in touch.

It was an old school friend who's company I really enjoy, but for a while (several years) I really didn't feel I had the energy to meet up regularly and I often didn't see her for a year at a time. She, bless her, kept sending email jokes, and occasional messages asking after the family etc and now I'm feeling much better in myself, we go out on the town about once a month, have a fantastic time and organise it about 50/50.

I am so glad she didn't give up on me and I'd hate to be without her as a friend now. Can you acknowledge to yourself that she's not feeling on top form because of some of the things you know about (and poss some that you don't) and just keep in touch without "needing" her to respond?

[wonderwall]

influence

I suppose I know that there is a very good chance she is not replying because of her problems BUT i guess I'm feeling insecure and worried that she does'nt want to be friends anymore because of something I've done (can't think of anything) and I miss her and my DS misses her DS. Prehaps, I'm being abit selfish?

[alicet]

Yes understand how you feel she might think you are snubbing her. Maybe say to her that you understand she must have a lot on her plate with eveything she is going through and how about her ds comes over for a playdate. If she wants to come too she is very welcome but if not then you understand.

[estuaryfairy]

Depends on what her problems are, and only you know that. What do you think? Maybe she's overwhelmed by what's happening, can't face people? I would leave it a few days and text her again, not arranging to meet, but just letting her know you're there if she wants to talk, or needs anything. Sometimes it's hard for people to accept help, or even kindness, when they're going through a bad time, however well intentioned, it can make them feel worse about their situation. And it's amazing how much time can pass without you really noticing when you're trying to sort bad stuff out. Don't take it personally. Just offer your support. If you don't hear back from her in, say, another month, text her again to let her know there's an open invitation to meet for a coffee, and leave it at that.

[wonderwall]

estuaryfairy

Sh does have some really serious problems. These posts are helping me put things into context - Thanks!I just feel really sad for my DS and don't know what to say.

[Bramshott]

I think if she is having problems you should keep trying and keep trying.

When I was in a bad state after DD1 was born prematurely and I was very ill, a friend called a few times and offered to meet up, but I kept making excuses and saying I couldn't leave the house etc. Luckily she kept calling and kept calling, and is now my DD2's godmother.

Any chance you can call rather than text? If she is feeling overwhelmed it is easier to ignore a text, when maybe what she needs is someone to call and say "come over on Friday and eat cake"!

[chipmonkey]

I have a friend that I lost touch with for a while but heard through a third party that she is having problems with her dh which she has not told me about. I keep in touch with her even though she doesn't reciprocate simply because I feel her dh is controlling and I want her to know I'm still here if she needs me even if she doesn't currently have "permission" from him to see me.

[squilly]

I read this and wondered if it was about me. I have a good friend I met 7 years go. She's a lovely girl, got a big family and lives some distance away. Keeping in touch was always an effort, but I enjoyed making it. Travelling 150 miles round trip was a chore, but I liked my friend so made the effort.

Problem is dd is now 7. She's at school 5 days a week and I find that making the commitment to travel and see my friend is getting more difficult. I have an aging parent who lives an equal distance away and I rarely get to see her!

So...I aimed to see her once every 3 months or so, but this last year it's fallen through a few times and I missed the birth of her last child and didn't see her til the dd was over a year old

I don't feel good about it, but as someone said...life here has moved on. I love to see my friend, when one of us makes the effort, but it's hard. Don't be too hard on your friend. She may have moved on a little, she may still love you to bits, but life becomes so complex with kids. Keep dropping her a line on email now and then or a text just to say hi, you're thinking about her. That way she'll know that you're around and when it's convenient, she'll come around. If she doesn't, perhas it is time to move on

[bubblagirl]

i think it comes down to how it makes you feel if it uis always one sided im would just send text once a month and if still noyhing i owuld text and say you know where i am if you need me and leave it at that

unfortunatly i have had to do rhis on few occassions as im always the one who does the running leaves me feeling lonely as i need a friend too especially if its months so i just say you know where i am and they dont bother they have befirended someone else in similar situation and talk to themm instead

i have my good friend swho contact me and i contact them the ones who dont get back to me regardless of cercumstances i leave them be they get my message to say i care but also stating they can contact me now

its hard work especially if they were your rock also then you have lost that someone to talk to anfd its horrible i now have new bunch of friends none of us are in contact alot but we all do bother its better stilol see other friends but its not the same now we have all changed

[wonderwall]

My friend has texted. She has problems. I have let her know I'm here fro her and hope to meet soon.

[bubblagirl]

oh good well keep it that way and just every now and then send a thinking of you text x