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AIBU?

to be confused about my feeling towards my dad even though he is in ICU

23 replies

heartmummy · 11/09/2008 23:04

ill keep this short, im 32 not seen my dad for 10 yrs, im one of three my sil came to my home 2 weeks ago to say that he was near death and that we all should say our goodbyes so i went i felf nothing for him but went out of guilt. he was a very abusive husband and father and ive always been scared of him. when my mum left him it was just the best thing we had begged her for yrs to leave him,he also has mentel health problems, i didnt want to see him alive i wanted to shout at him when he was gone but he survived. ive seen him machines keeping him alive but stable when i saw him this over whelming felling of love came over me and it hit me really hard.i came home and cryed im so bloody confused right now i thought i had dealt with these issus lond ago and has come back to give me my nightmares again. not seen him for about 6 days now not sure if i should my sister and brother go everyday my other sister wants nothing to do with him, what would you do? there is alot more to this story but i havent thhe right to tell. please need advice

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DorisIsAPinkDragon · 11/09/2008 23:20

Don't have any advice but wanted to answer your thread.

I used to work in ICU and it is a highly charged and very emotional environment, critical illness raises to the surface alsorts of emotions that were well locked away ( for want of a better turn of phrase)

You can only do what is right for you, and that may be different from what is right for your siblings.

Good luck with your decision, it may help to tlk it through with a RL counsellor if you truely don't know which way to turn.

ethanchristopher · 11/09/2008 23:24

whatever you decide to do just remember that that will be your decision for the rest of your life. i know this is obvious but you could regret it so much if you didnt go and see him at keast once more

otoh you might feel you are betraying your sister and mum by visiting him if he damaged your chidhood that much

nobody can make your decision except you, but you need to think hard about it

heartmummy · 11/09/2008 23:50

i have such a stronge urge to see him, talk to him but i dont want him to hurt me again he makes me feel like that little helpless girl, he looks like a little boy not the stronge big man i remember and all the things he has done come flooding back i know if i go to see him i will have to forgive him but its bloody hard, im a caring loving person i wanted to touch his hand and say i was there but i couldnt speak to him, i just need to type this there is no answer anyone could give me

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MrsSnorty · 12/09/2008 00:01

What an awful situation to be in. He can't hurt you now though. Have you got anyone (a friend?) who could go with you?

MrsSnorty · 12/09/2008 00:02

Sorry - that sounded a bit crap because I don't really know what to say. Feel for you though

heartmummy · 12/09/2008 00:15

no it didnt its nice to know that im not being a heartless daughter and that other people given my situation may feel the same, this feels so odd ive always been so helpful,caring,giving and loving the oppsite of my dad and maybe this is the real test to show im really not like him even though we look and sound the same, i think ive just given myself the answer !!!!!!!!!!

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skydancer1 · 12/09/2008 00:16

Touched by what you are going through and even though as you say there is no answer to give you I wanted to respond. I too struggled with such mixed emotions when my dad was dying and after he died. Children are so naturally loving and forgiving and yet this man hurt you so much. It is understandable to be torn. I think do whatever you decide to do for yourself, in a spirit of kindness to yourself first and foremost. If it helps you to see him then see him. You can talk to him without being with him if that helps (in your head, out loud or write a letter you don't send). Remember he cannot literally hurt you again now he is dying.

KVC · 12/09/2008 07:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

pamelat · 12/09/2008 12:04

Its a complete cliche and may sound tacky (it isnt meant to) but I like to live by its better to regret what you do (ie visit) than to regret what you didn't do.

You aren't heartless, whether you visit or otherwise.

I haven't gone through what you have (not that I know the details) but I would probably visit again. I, personally, would find it easier to regret visiting than if anything happened and I hadn't gone again. That might sound like a selfish take on it.

Sorry, I am rambling

christywhisty · 12/09/2008 12:21

I know exactly how you feel. My Dad was similar to your dad and I wouldn't go and see him by myself. He was abusive to my Mum and she finally left him after 30 years but still regularly came to see him.
I would only take my children to see him when my mum was there, but he was a very good grandad to them and they never knew him the way we did.
He died suddenly about 5 years ago after we had had a lovely get together at christmas (he ruined a lot of christmases for us as children with his temper)
I have the quilty feeling of being thankful that he died before my mum, because I could never have coped with him by myself IYSWIM.I did love him because he was my dad and I know he loved me, but it is so difficult to forgive him for what happened when we were children.
I don't think you are heartless, but as the others say. Remember in the hospital you are in a safe place with him He is not in the position to hurt you mentally or physically, If that makes sense!

shootfromthehip · 12/09/2008 12:33

I also had difficult relationship with my alcoholic father who died last year. I did visit him as much as I could when he was in ICU and High Dependancy and don't regret it at all. This man IS your father and that allows you to love him without any guilt. You will be confused because of the anger you have towards him but now is the time to let your love and not your hurt out.

You think that you are 'over it' and yet you aren't. Don't fight what feels right- and if that is to stay away then do it as long as there are no niggles of doubt. I wasn't actually there when my dad died and I have no regrets about that- I didn't want to see him either but I am totally glad that I spent so much time with him.

You should get some counselling though as it does really help- Person Centered Therapy is good.

Good luck and love at a difficult time.

heartmummy · 12/09/2008 18:53

the doctors have decided that his machines should be turned off tomorrow be all over soon

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shootfromthehip · 12/09/2008 19:13

Just checked on thread. Shit- so sorry heartmummy. Wish you all the best.

bluebell82 · 12/09/2008 20:06

heartmummy, I don't want to tell you what to do but here is my experience. My father was my idol and unfortunately suffered from acute alcoholism for the last 5yrs of his life. I was his main carer and I went through so many emotions, unfortunately the only way I coped (I was 18-23 at the time) was to shut down emotionally. I would show him so much love and kiss and cuddle hold his hand during the night terrors and basically being his mom. I have since not been able to express emotions, siunce he died I have basically been dead inside. I can laugh and joke but I can not cry. I recently have my 1st dd and she is wonderful but although I don't have PND, things came crashing down when she hit 6months and I cried for 4 days solid.. I have always shut down my emotions to 'cope'.. I was frightened of cathing PND when I first had Ruby so I refused to cry and what I'm trying to say is go with your heart, I am so glad I did, unfortunately 4 months before my dad died I got married and he didn't turn up to walk me down the aisle. I was devasted but I refuised to hate him maybe I knew deep down that I couldn't hate him so I didn't stop speaking to him and when he died he knew I forgave him and that I loved him more than anything in this world. Go with your heart regardless of how much your head is screaming at you. I found when my dad died I forgot all the bad times and remembered the beauty of my childhood. I hope I have somehow given you a bit of advice, but for all the heartache your father has put you through over the years he can't undo the past so you have to decide the future. Take care and I wish you the best x

heartmummy · 13/09/2008 07:52

my dad died at 10.10 last night, he looked very peaceful sweet dreams dad be restful

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LucyJordan · 13/09/2008 08:33

heartmummy, sorry for your loss

Hopefully he is at peace now and you can maybe get some closure on this.

shootfromthehip · 13/09/2008 08:40

How do you feel? I hope that you are alright. You just need to get through the funeral and then find a way for your grief to catch up with you, or like bluebell82 you will end up 'dead inside'. Do you have a DP who can get you through the next couple of months? I found that my siblings and my Mum were not the people to help me through as neither sibling had the relationship with my Dad that I did. My Mum was so wrapped up in her dysfunctional relationship with him that she couldn't help me either, Grief is a complicated animal. Good luck x

skydancer1 · 13/09/2008 09:54

Hi heartmummy I hope you too will feel more at peace now - or at least eventually. I hope the funeral goes well for all concerned.

I found that it took me longer to grieve because I was wrapped up in being mum to a (then) one year old. I went through a weird phase when all I could remember was the painful or horrible stuff about my dad, but after a drunken evening talking about him with my sister it kind of 'exorcised' all that and I could again remember the warm, loving or good aspects of him and my childhood again. The grieving process is so individual but just to say you will get through this and everything will change.

DorisIsAPinkDragon · 13/09/2008 14:39

Just thinking of you, at this difficult time

MrsSnorty · 13/09/2008 19:53

Sorry heartmummy, hope you are ok.

cheshirekitty · 13/09/2008 21:38

Heartmummy, god bless you. Your dad is at peace now. Be gentle with yourself. We are all children of the universe.

vixma · 13/09/2008 22:12

Sounds like I am making this up, but have been through a simular exp. My dad was abusive too but stayed at home with us. Me and my mum was his target.... When I left home (which was really hard), when I wentback to see mum it was really uncomfortable and awkward and I felt anxious...I wont lie as I child I wished him dead passsionatly( i know this may sound uncomfortable to some reading this). 5 years ago he was taken into hospital with an illness and was transferred to ICU. When this happened it was painful, even though the illness he had was not terminal...he had GBS (Guillen barrie syndrome). Me and my sisters saw him every day and had to feedback carefully to my mum who is sevearlly disabled and mentally ill, information on how he was. The love you are feeling is letting you express the person you are. I did the same and felt annoyed at myself for feeling this way at the time. He died after 4 months in ICU and I did feel sad and found myself and my sisters feeling no relief but sadness. You are going through a tough time and you have to go with the feelings you feel, its you. I wish you all the best.

cathcat · 14/09/2008 01:46

So sorry heartmummy for this horrible situation and hope you work through it the best you can. Sorry your dad has gone x

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