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Why do I get so cross with DH?

(10 Posts)
pamelat Tue 26-Aug-08 18:54:09

Its unreasonable and I don't know why, at least I am pretty sure I am unreasonable? He certainly thinks so.

Today as an example. Have had a lovely day with DD and was looking forward to picking DH up from work, had bought wine and a nice tea to treat him as we have both had colds for a week or so and felt generally run down.

I got there a bit early and nipped to get petrol. Now, I had taken part in the thread about whether you would DD in the car at a petrol station and was abig "no" person in this. However, I decided to test my anxiety and see if I could. Afterall, DH was due any second and I figured he would turn up mid fill anyway.

DD was asleep in her car seat.

DH was late and I felt that I couldnt hang around not paying so I went in to the petrol station (have never left her before but so many m/netters said that they do that I wondered whether I was being stupid!)

She was always in my sight and to be honest I was worried sick (and won't be doing it again)

DH turns up whilst I am paying and I beep the car open. He does not see me do this and wrongly assumes that i had left the car open. I see him pull a face and point at DD and immediately I feel like I want to punch him!! (Am not a violent person).

I pay, walk to the car and start to defend how I would never leave the car open, to which I get "remarks" about how I should also not leave her alone in the car.

I snapped (and swore several times). I think it was because I felt that I had been "caught out".I am normally the more protective one of DD, but at the same time I feel so angry that he thinks that I need telling how to look after her. Its ME that is with her all day every day.

Anyway, I over reacted. He is a great DH, always gives her tea, bath and bed time milk and usually gets up with her for the first hour of every day (meaning i get a 7am lie in!).

I am just so cross with him, I even know I am over reacting but cant bring myself to apologise. We haven't spoken for an hour now, am just avoiding him (like a child i know)

So why did I / do I get so so angry with him? I never swear at anyone else.

Its scarey as my mum is rather sharp with my dad and I dont want to treat DH like that.

3littlefrogs Tue 26-Aug-08 19:02:18

Do you think you got angry because you were already anxious, and deep down you weren't comfortable with what you were doing? I am not judging you, BTW, just trying to analyse where your anger was coming from. As you say, you felt you had been "caught out", so maybe you over reacted a bit.

TBH, if I were you, I would just apologise to him and try and make up. Tell him how you feel. It is one of those situations that happens - better to sort it out now, than let it fester. As my mum used to say, it sounds like 6 of one and half a dozen of the other.

asicsgirl Tue 26-Aug-08 19:15:09

poor you. several things possibly going on here i think. sorry if very obvious!

1. you put effort into planning a nice treat and feel like dh spoiled it before it even got started by criticising you.

2. you feel like he doesn't trust you, despite the thought that you obv put into the decision to leave dd in the car while you paid.

3. you are both still under the weather having been ill and both over reacted (not just you wink)

i do this kind of thing all the time blush. i know IABU but can't help it. counsellor once told me 'you are not your mum, and your dp is not your dad' and i try to remember this. learned patterns of behaviour can be v hard to change!

what i would do: pour big glass of wine for both of you. take him his, and say 'i'm sorry'. don't explain why or go over everything again (the mistake i always make, raking over the argument for hours). he'll prob say he is sorry too and it'll be ok.

hope you still have a nice evening smile

pamelat Tue 26-Aug-08 19:23:46

Thank you both, feeling a bit silly already (after a bath - I locked the door! Never normally do that!) and a cup of tea.

What you both say makes sense. Isn't it easy to see that when your emotions aren't involved.

I can see his point of view, he had no idea I was planning an especailly 'nice' evening, nor about my testing the whole silly petrol station thing (he probably thinks I normally leave her sat in the car everywhere I go!).

I almost feel that he has no right to judge me, but he does really as her dad.

This anger is only around since the arrival of DD. My mum infuriates me as each time she sees her (at least once a week) she will pick fault, either her ears are dirty, she should be in a dress, her top is covered in dribble, she isn't warm enought, she doesn't "want" to have a lunch time nap (?!) etc etc. I think I bottle up the resentment of the criticism and it then comes spilling out.

I do clean her ears, dress her appropriately etc etc but she is a faily dribbly baby (teeth) bless her.

Treeny Tue 26-Aug-08 19:30:47

Anxiety about leaving DC in LOCKED car while you pay for petrol? What's that all about?? I couldn't function if I operated at this level of anxiety about life!

pamelat Tue 26-Aug-08 19:35:33

Treeny - see separate thread where this whole petrol lark debated. Think it has a title about parent and toddler parking spaces.

Know its anxiety so tested myself (!) but Dh was not happy, resented being made to feel irresponsible when if anything I had perhaps too responsible

dittany Tue 26-Aug-08 19:38:43

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

asicsgirl Tue 26-Aug-08 19:40:15

pamelat i have also discovered an angry side i never knew i had since dcs' arrival. i am a very anxious person and i think worrying about the dcs translates into anger if i am challenged/ criticised. complex stuff isn't it.

poor you with your mum criticising like that. i spend a lot of time reading criticism into what dp/ my mum say, probably entirely unfairly, but that's me not you...

sounds like you are all concerned about your dd's welfare, which is a good thing, as long as you can see it positively (v hard at times)

pamelat Tue 26-Aug-08 19:44:30

I dont know why my mum des it.
She is lovely and we have always got on very well (she is only 18 years older than me)
I know she is only thinking of my DD, she was a very different mum to me (she used to lock the door so that she didnt have to "share" me)
I love her to peices and have asked her to take a step back and let me make my own mistakes but she cant help herself.
DH, on the otherhand, rarely criticises me. Bless him.
Have said "lets start the night over" and he has agreed. Will apologise in a bit (when I can be sure to not raise any "buts" with it)
asicsgirl - that sounds like me. I hat ebeing challenged about her as found motherhood very challenging initially and feel I need to prove myself.

Janni Tue 26-Aug-08 19:47:34

You were already anxious and questioning your wisdom in leaving DD in the car. Your DHs reaction confirmed to your anxious self (despite your protestations) that you had done the 'wrong' thing. You are secure enough in your relationship with your DH to allow you to splurge your bad feelings.

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