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AIBU?

my husbands constant gambling

38 replies

bikkiemuncher · 17/08/2008 19:34

My husband although a fantastic dad and husband, has always had a problem with 'betting' he bets around £200 every saturday the same on a sunday and during the week more if its a festival. He was convinced he had fail safe stratergies. The problem came when I gave up work to have our children as his job brought in a fraction of what he gambled but he never told me. We are now four years down the line and after a massive bust up I found out how much he had lost (all of our savings £40,000 + the childrens savings of around £6000 and debts upto around £15000) I have gone back to work to try to help re pay these debt but neither of us bring in much money. I lent him £500 to pay our mortgage last week and have just found out he has been back on the gambling websites again, he hasnt confirmed or denied placing a bet or paying the mortgage and went to work a day early without saying anything (he works away for a week at a time)
My problem is that he swore to me on the name of our dead baby he would not go into a bookies or place a bet unless I was with him and now he's used my poor baby in such a sick way I dont think I ever want to look at him again. what do I do!?

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bikkiemuncher · 17/08/2008 19:35

My husband although a fantastic dad and husband, has always had a problem with 'betting' he bets around £200 every saturday the same on a sunday and during the week more if its a festival. He was convinced he had fail safe stratergies. The problem came when I gave up work to have our children as his job brought in a fraction of what he gambled but he never told me. We are now four years down the line and after a massive bust up I found out how much he had lost (all of our savings £40,000 + the childrens savings of around £6000 and debts upto around £15000) I have gone back to work to try to help re pay these debt but neither of us bring in much money. I lent him £500 to pay our mortgage last week and have just found out he has been back on the gambling websites again, he hasnt confirmed or denied placing a bet or paying the mortgage and went to work a day early without saying anything (he works away for a week at a time)
My problem is that he swore to me on the name of our dead baby he would not go into a bookies or place a bet unless I was with him and now he's used my poor baby in such a sick way I dont think I ever want to look at him again. what do I do!?

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bikkiemuncher · 17/08/2008 19:36

sorry new to this and posted it twice!

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catinthehat · 17/08/2008 19:42

This may be of assistance to you?

mrsruffallo · 17/08/2008 19:43

Tell him to go to gamblers anonymous immediately.
It's irresponsible behaviour but also a dangerous addiction.
That's a hell of a lot of money to pay off!
The problem is that he is dragging you and the children down with him.
You have all my sympathy but you have to take some action

slightlycrumpled · 17/08/2008 19:45

Oh my goodness, poor you.

He evidently needs help as he is addicted. He must also feel terrible about what he is doing.

Try to encourage him to seek help, maybe you need to get seperate financial advice and keep all of your accounts etc seperate.

You sound so sad, I hope you manage to sort something out.

nkf · 17/08/2008 19:45

He's not a fantastic dad. Nor is he a fantastic husband. He's a gambler. You're wasting yout time with him. Disentangle your finances immediately and call it a day.
Good luck.

MummytoWillow · 17/08/2008 19:49

He's addicted I'm afraid and unless he gets help from qualified people he will find it almost impossible to change?

Gamblers anonymous is what he needs, you must think of your children and yourself and keep your accounts separate, don't give him anymore money he will not be able to help himself if he has money in his pocket, you should pay the bills instead.

Hope it gets sorted soon?

bikkiemuncher · 17/08/2008 19:50

I will try to get him to go but whenever I mention it he laughs and tells me a pack of lies about how he's got it sorted. I'm starting to really worry about us losing the house, but its all in his name and he's got several secured loans on it which I dont think he's been paying does anyone know where I stand with that? I cant move out as I've got know where to go short of my parents which is 200 miles away and thats a heck of a school run! I dont want to speak to my parents about it as they would be absolutely mortified but not too sure what else to do

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WorzselMummage · 17/08/2008 19:51

If i were you i'd leave him.

nkf · 17/08/2008 19:52

You need to take financial advice immediately. And stop trying to get him to do anything. Seriously, with this level of debt and that level of gambling, you need to safeguard yourself and yoru children.

pamelat · 17/08/2008 19:54

He must get it sorted.
Dont let him drag you down with him.
Am sorry about your baby. He must feel terrible too.
I hope that he is willing to at least try to address his issues? Show him this thread?
x

mrsruffallo · 17/08/2008 19:55

You can't make him go but you can make decisions about your life.
He has spent all your life savings and the children's savings and tells you it's sorted?

bikkiemuncher · 17/08/2008 20:01

yes, it looks so terrible to see it written down here in black and white but he is so good with his excuses I end up feeling like the one with the problem. I want to get away from all of this but school starts soon and I dont want to make my son miss his first day etc etc now I'm the one making excuses! how annoying!!

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Aimsmum · 17/08/2008 20:05

Message withdrawn

mrsruffallo · 17/08/2008 20:08

What do you want to do Bikkie?
If you want to stay then he has to face these problems.
Addicts become experts at lying, making excuses, deceiving everyone. It is going to be very painful for him to come clean.

slightlycrumpled · 17/08/2008 20:08

Bikkie, addicts of any kind generally are very good with excuses!

Perhaps a good place for you personally to start is the citizens advice bureau. They will at least be able to guide you in the right direction.

If you have a good relationship with your parents I would also talk to them. Whilst they may be mortified they are more likely just to be very concerned about you.

This is your husbands addiction, not yours and you have nothing to feel embarrassed about.

Shoshe · 17/08/2008 20:09

I left, 28 years ago.

I have never regretted it, especially when I see EXH, still gambling, still dragging his subsequent Family down to the dirt.

I see DS doing well, having a stable financial life.

Gamblers never change.

moondog · 17/08/2008 20:10

Blimey Bikkie.
Start running now!!

mrsruffallo · 17/08/2008 20:10

Can he leave for a while whilst you mull this over?
No need to uproot the children then

ThatBigGermanPrison · 17/08/2008 20:10

You should IME immediately go to the council and tell them your husband is gambling your house away and you need to leave him, as his abusive (yes, I didn't accept it either, but spending more than you earn whe you have a wife and children to support is abusive) behavior means you need to be housed.

Then, get a job asap if you possibly can, as you are better off working - but you are better off single and unemployed than with a man who kicks holes in the boat of your security whilst denying any knowledge of the existence of his foot.

get out, get out, get out.

If he is a good father he will still see the children. If he is a good man he may eventually shape up and sort himself out. Until then, damage control, before you and the kids end up in a skuzzy hostel.

bikkiemuncher · 17/08/2008 20:21

I dont think I want to leave him but maybe thats because he's my habit? I dont really want to keep going this way either. I thought that once we'd had our massive heart to heart and he promised to stop, using such an emotive subject as his promise, that things would be good but that was only five days ago and I've just used the history button to find a website and seen lists of betfair and bookie websites so I'm wrong again and now I'm mad

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ThatBigGermanPrison · 17/08/2008 20:27

It's very very hard when nice men do bad things. The bad things don't stop them being ncie men, but equally, them being nice men doesn't mean they won't do bad things.

I think if you ever want peace of mind, and peace of pocket,, you have to separate your finances from this man. He will drain you. Addiction is a vampire.

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slightlycrumpled · 17/08/2008 20:31

TBGP is right bikkie.

Whatever else you do, you must seperate all of your finances before it turns into a disaster.

You have every right to be very angry with him particularly because of what he made the promise to stop gambling over.

mrsruffallo · 17/08/2008 20:35

bikkie- there is nothing wrong with not wanting to leave him, but you have to spell out what you have discovered and how it has made you feel.

Seperating your finances is very good advice

bikkiemuncher · 17/08/2008 20:44

thanks everyone I'll sleep on it now and hope I'm this brave tomorrow x

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