More a 'WasIBU' to my new mum sis? (long)

[grumblingirl]

My dsis had her first baby last month. Yesterday she mentioned that I'd been acting a bit 'off' with her since the birth. I was trying to get my two young dc's packed up and out of the door, was very stressed and hot and a bit PMT addled. So I just told her the truth and now I feel terrible about it.

I'm not 'off' with her it's her dp I p*ed with. The day after my sis and her ds came home from hospital her dp was IMHO pathetic. They'd had a bad nights sleep and he was crying, flopping around and generally feeling very sorry for himself. HE kept going off to bed during the days to 'catch up on sleep' and his mum and family were going round to give HIM cuddles and phoning to ask how HE was. I feel so angry that instead of my sister and my nephew being looked after and nurtured in the first few days it was all about her dp. My poor sis had a terrible time establishing breastfeeding - mastitis, blocked ducts etc and both my mum and I wanted to support her but we felt we couldn't in case we were disturbing her dp.

I told her this (briefly) yesterday and obviously she defended her dp (she would, he's her dp I know!) I now feel like I should have kept my trap shut, it's prob not something she wanted to hear and I feel like IwasBU saying it? Should I apologise and take back what I said?

[pooka]

Apologise. Definitely.

Putting her in the position where she has to defend her partner doesn't seem to be supportive of you. If she'd mentioned it, fair enough. But she didn't, and now on top of dealing with your nephew and looking after herself, now she also will probably feel that she can't reach out for the support of her own family.

[2point4kids]

Yes I wpould apologise if I was you, sorry.
She is probably already feeling tired and strssed by not having such a helpful DP and now might feel as though you are not supporting her either.

I dont understand why, if you thought her DP was not supporting her, you stayed away and was 'off' with her instead of making more of an effort to help her out.
I'm sure thats not exactly the case, but its how it sounds from your post and also how she may be feeling (new baby hormones, sleep deprivation)

[potoftea]

I think you should ring or text and just say, "sorry about all I said yesterday, you caught me at a bad time. Hope you can forget I said it."
That way you are apologising for saying it, but not withdrawing what you said (and what you do mean).
Hopefully she sees that it was said out of frustration, and love for her, and not with any aim of causing trouble.

[grumblingirl]

Thanks for your replies. It wasn't supportive of me, I know. I don't know why I let it all come out - I had a baby 8 months ago and when I said it I was thinking shut up, shut up you'd hate it if someone had said this to you. I'm just so annoyed with her dp and she's usually so feisty but she hasn't asked him to get a grip at all. I shouldn't let my problem with him be her problem though.

[RubySlippers]

apologise and move on from it

a usually feisty person can be knocked for 6 by labour and birth so perhaps she will deal with any issues (IF she does indeed have any at all) when she is good and ready

her DP may have been up all night with your sister - i know my DH stayed up with me during the first couple of weeks of night feeds

[Lowfat]

TBH I would have felt exactley the same as you - and I would have said something although maybe a little more 'sugar-coated'

Apologise by all means for putting her in the position of defending her DP. But also tell her it's becayuse she is you sister and you love her that you felt the way you do.

Is a difficult situation - I feel sorry for you and your Dsis

[grumblingirl]

Rubyslippers - whether he was up all night with my sister or not, I really believe that as the partner of a new mum you should be encouraging her to catch up on sleep, not leave her struggling downstairs to look after the newborn and your family who are visiting at the time. The midwife came and hauled him out of bed because she was horrified my poor sis was downstairs crying with the stress of it all and he was asleep upstairs.

[CuckooClockWorkShy]

I had a useless xh, and I knew he was less use than a chocoalate tea-pot, but it made me feel humiliated that other people noticed it too.

But I don't blame you for being exasperated with her dp.. he souns self-absorbed, immature, lazy, inconsiderate.... GOD help her when/if they have their 2nd child. The cracks in their relationship will be like fault lines in San Francisco earthquake zone.

[CuckooClockWorkShy]

Do you think the MW's words penetrated his forcefield at all?? Just curious?

[grumblingirl]

Nope - they both felt like she was totally unreasonable to drag him out of bed! It's all very weird because before their ds came along he was great - very supportive in pregnancy, as a person he's really nice etc but he seems to have got daddy pnd. She's my sister though so of course I'm going to be looking out for her primarily.

[CuckooClockWorkShy]

Maybe a few well-timed comments might help her out.

From you "It's just as well you're not tired sis" and she would probably reply "well, I am tired".......

Or maybe suggest to her (when things between you are easy again) that she should draw up a rota. Informally. When he gets out of bed, hand over the baby and say cheerfully, "phew, my turn to get some rest now".

[RubySlippers]

GG - i wasn't trying to justify his behaviour but rather find a reason for it

of course he should be letting your sister rest as a priority

you know, parenthood can be a huge shock for men - he has been crying and whilst his behaviour may appear pathetic perhaps he needs some support too BUT i agree not at the expense of your sister