A bit of advice please...

[Lareymary]

I’m not sure where else to put this so hopefully some help may be given here...
A bit of background. Some years ago my FIL confided in me that he had been married when he was younger (early 1960s) had a child but the relationship had broken down when the child was a toddler and there seemed to be some agreement that he would cut all ties and have no contact with his ex wife or child. He said he often thought about the child, and seemed very sad when he spoke about it. I never mentioned anything to my husband as I thought if he knew about it he may not want to discuss it or if he didn’t, was it my place to say anything? So I left it alone.
My FIL sadly passed away a couple of months ago. What he told me has been really bothering me. I spoke to a friend who is a bit of a detective with stuff like this, and I managed to find out more about the child (name etc).
I broached it with my DH about a week ago, but he said that he did know about the marriage and child as his Dad got very drunk about 20 years ago, and he found a note that his dad had written. My DH didn’t mention it to anyone about this note, and the subject was never discussed again.
It’s totally none of my business, and I will respect my DH wishes about leaving this alone - but if you were a child who had been estranged from a parent, would you want to know if your biological parent had passed away? I mentioned to my DH the right thing to do would be to inform her - but am I right?

[TakeTheCuntOutOfScunthorpe]

Personally, I'd leave it alone. If the child wants to find out about the parent who left them when they were very young and had no role in bringing them up, then that is their decision. It's not your choice to make.

The only reason this would be remotely acceptable would be if they had a large inheritance and needed to be tracked down to receive it.

[Ahmose]

Stay out of it.

[Newkitchen123]

If I was the child in this scenario it would depend on the reason why he wasn't in my life. If it was his choice to not be in my life then I'd have no interest but if he'd been kept from me that's a different issue.

[MatildaTheCat]

If your friend was able to find the ‘child’ with relative ease then it’s fair to assume they would have been able to trace their father without too much difficulty if they had wanted to. So leave it be, they possibly might come looking one day but it seems quite unlikely now.

[Lareymary]

Thanks all. Just to reiterate - I have no intention of doing anything about this, it’s not my place and would never go behind my DH or his family’s backs.
I suppose where I was (clumsily) coming from - if it was me - would I want to know? I am a bit in that position, my father Is not my biological father but I have no wish to find out who is either.
Would I want to be informed if my biological father had passed away? That’s what I’m struggling with and wanted to gain some insight, if anyone had been in a similar position.

I appreciate your replies x

[Sahm101]

Why on earth did you take this very private information and share it with your friend who then nosied around to find this person. I think that was very inappropriate of you. But yes, just leave it alone.

[StompStomp]

I can understand your conundrum. I am exactly the same.
My FIL was married at 19, had 2 kids and divorced by 22. His ex wife moved back to Belfast with her children and her new partner.
We don't know anything else, it's not discussed, even my MIL (FIL's ex wife) won't discuss it or if he ever tried to see his children. We have respected FIL's wishes and not said anything or gone looking for them.
FIL passed away end of last year, we won't be looking anyone up. It's not our place.

[StompStomp]

That should read MIL (FIL's 2nd ex wife)

[Lareymary]

@Sahm101 and @TheLittleRedToothbrush
Thanks for your opinions but they are neither here nor there.
I have already said I intend to do nothing with the information I have - so I don’t need a virtual lambasting. The information I think was given to me by my FIL for a reason, and I have chosen to do nothing and intend to do nothing. I have have known about this for 18 years.
I was asking if it’s right to inform if a parent had died - I don’t need personal attacks on me or what information I had shared with a trusted friend (which I could have got the info from any ancestry website anyway) . I’ll take the advice and leave well alone - but please don’t feel it’s your place to tell me off. Advice welcomed though. Thanks again.