Leaving my husband

[Fallonuk]

So I just want to get everyone’s opinions please. I’ve been with my now husband for 11 years. Have two kids. We are “happy” we have had a lot of problems. I have a lot of shit memories of him throughout the relationship. Most recently was an episode of him messaging another woman who he used to go to school with. Their messages where not suitable in my opinion for two people who are in relationships. I stupidly decided to stay due to financial reasons. He loves his drink which is another issue for me but most recently he’s managing to do this thing where he compliments me but then says something horrible and laughs. Almost like he doesn’t know what he’s saying if that makes sense. I tried to ask him to leave a few weeks back but he just ignored me and said but we have a good laugh. We do. We laugh and fool around. I do love him but I really just want to be friends and feel this need to get on with my life. What’s stopping me now is I’m worried about splitting up my family when really it’s just because I want to leave now. I can’t be bothered any more. I don’t want another man I just want to be me and live a life with my kids and no stress because of him constantly making stress in my life .

[geekone]

Ok, so you haven’t really asked a question, but I am going to pick the lowest hanging fruit. YANBU leave it might make you both happy. It might be painful at first though but if you no longer love, fancy or want to live with him your marriage is over and you will just end up making it worse if you stay.
Good Luck OP

[Fallonuk]

Thank you. I guess my question is am I being silly? His view is we are fine. He’s not abusing me and we have fun together sometimes. I feel like I’ve missed my chance to leave when the other woman was involved and now no longer have one as it’s all “settled” can I leave without a reason other then I want to not be with him?

[Home42]

I left my husband because he didn’t make me happy. He wasn’t abusive or a cheat. He was a lazy, grumpy git though. It took 2 weeks to sink in and some work to sort out arrangements and a divorce and there were a few times when I wondered if I’d done the right thing or missed him a bit. These were far outweighed by the other times where it was a huge relief. He locked himself out of his flat the other day so I let him stay in my spare room overnight until he could get the spare of the landlord in the morning and it was awkward... just like the last 6 months of our marriage (before I said I wanted a divorce) and it totally convinced me that I’d done the right thing.
Kid was fine within about 6 months, by 12 months she was adamant she preferred it this way!

If you are long term unhappy and you’ve tried to work with him to fix it, and failed, then it’s ok to leave. Expect it to be tough even if it’s the right choice. Don’t vacillate, it’s not fair on him or the kids. Make a decision, be kind but firm and then follow through.

[OhYeahYouSuck]

He doesn't have to be abusive for you to not be happy with him.

I was married. No abuse or anything but I was unhappy. This just kept increasing whilst I tried to pretend I was fine. As there didn't seem a 'reason' to leave, I couldn't do it. Then I realised I didn't have to have a big reason and the fact I didn't love him and couldn't kid myself was reason enough. Plus my children were being modelled a totally platonic relationship which is no good for them at all.

I did leave in the end. I never regretted it and I am so much happier now.

[GhostCurry]

Darling! You are unhappy! That means you get to leave. You don’t have to ask anyone’s permission, not his and definitely not ours.

Good luck!

[AliasGrape]

He had an inappropriate text relationship with another woman. He drinks too much. He insults you (and he definitely knows what he’s saying).

All perfectly valid reasons to leave.

But then not being happy is a valid reason to leave too.

Do you still love him? Do you think that if he were to put the work in and you did too, you could address some of these issues you could be happy again? Do you want to try? - it’s fine if the answer is no, but if it is no then I think ultimately your marriage is over either way, it’s just a case of whether you want a clean break or to drag it out. If the answer is yes or even ‘maybe’ to those questions then maybe there’s a chance - but he would definitely need to recognise that there are issues and that, for you, things are not ‘fine as they are’ and he’d have to want to work to address that.