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To think there's nothing I can do?

(12 Posts)
Tillygetsit Sun 24-May-20 00:44:40

My db has severe mh problems that get worse when he drinks. It has caused huge problems including prison for hitting his wife.
He casually told me today that they had a bottle of wine between them last night.
This is always how it starts. I am practically on my knees emotionally due to other issues and just dont feel I can do what I've done the numerous times before...taking her in when hes thrown her out in a drunken temper, going there to mediate (can't atm anyway) be present for police/psych interviews, visit prison or hospitals.
I've told him that when this escalates, and it certainly will, I will no longer be there to support him or her. He is 38 but emotionally about 14. Very intelligent and manipulative and I love him to bits but I can't get over how selfish and self destructive he's being. It's 3 months since he was released from a secure unit after promising no alcohol and his wife saying she would not allow it in their home.
She has also had a telling off from me because she knows the consequences and is condoning it.
My dh has told me to forget it and let them get on with it but Im terrified. Db can be extremely violent and has tried to kill himself several times.
My other family are useless and its left to me to deal with. Sorry Im ranting but there really nothing I can do is there?
I

Disquieted1 Sun 24-May-20 00:51:34

Others will be along to offer more specific advice.
What I will say is: don't let his, or their, problems become your problems. You have enough of your own.
Look after yourself and your family (husband and children, not db and sil) first and last.

Sparklesocks Sun 24-May-20 00:54:16

Unfortunately only addicts can control their behaviour, you cant view it from the same lens as you would with ‘normal’ people and their behaviours because it’s an illness, they are unwell. It’s incredibly destructive and damaging for their loved ones to witness.
I do think you’re being a little hard on his wife, clearly she is in an abusive relationship with a mentally unwell man who drinks too much and hits her, she might go along with sharing a bottle of wine if she thinks she’ll have a more palatable version of her husband. Or she might be too scared to stop him. It’s not always easy to stop or leave your abuser, and addiction issues complicate things even further.

I don’t blame you for being at your wits end though. It’s so hard to watch this unfold with your loved one over and over again and be powerless to stop it. I’m sorry to say there’s nothing you can do at this stage, but I’m very sympathetic as it’s so very hard to deal with and you feel powerless flowers

Frozenfan2019 Sun 24-May-20 00:56:58

I am so sorry OP this is shit. there really.is.nothing you can do apart from look after yourself. Have you thought about contacting al-anon for some support?

Merryoldgoat Sun 24-May-20 00:57:32

I’m really sorry you’re going through this.

Whilst I’ve not been through the same my family has some utterly hideous characters that I refuse to deal with.

The reality is you can’t change either of them, only your own behaviour.

Hard though it is to accept your husband is right. Neither your brother nor his wife will help themselves and therefore you can do nothing for them.

You say yourself he’s manipulative - it’s time to stop allowing the threat of his terrible behaviour to govern your actions. Do what is best for you and your family.

Tillygetsit Sun 24-May-20 03:49:11

Thanks for replying. His wife also has different mh issues and believe me she is the dominant one in the relationship and certainly not afraid of him or of giving as good as she gets. She really isnt frightened of him.
Its a powder keg. Very hard to explain without being incredibly outing.
My db is a sweet kind thoughtful man when well and is medicated by a member of his enormous team every week as he cannot be trusted to do it himself. His CPN doesnt see a problem with his drinking despite knowing dbs history.
Neither of them are horrible. Exhausting, infuriating and troublesome yes but they are unwell and manage ok when alcohol isn't involved.
He knows I'm unhappy with him. I guess I'll just have to see how he is when ee do our family Zoom quiz tomorrow.

Ponoka7 Sun 24-May-20 04:53:32

It's time to leave them to it. Let her go to a hostel if he throws her out. Don't mediate, there's nothing to mediate, the relationship needs to end.

They've chosen to take that drink. Let them live with the consequences of their choices.

I've spent years and used all my emotional wellbeing in similar situations and I've learnt that you don't actually change the outcome. If you wasn't available they'd manage.

Thankfully I was nearly sexually assaulted by the man in the couple and that made me stop contact. They've sucked in other people and it's great not having to deal with them. These are close relatives. I've had to get my head around what will be, will be and they aren't victims, it wasn't easy, but I've got control of my life back.

Aquamarine1029 Sun 24-May-20 04:56:18

For the sake of your own mental health, you need to distance yourself entirely from their madness. There is nothing you can do for them.

Stinkycatbreath Sun 24-May-20 08:33:06

She is probably scared that if she doesn't "condone" his behaviour she will be in danger. Although you love him it sounds as though he is the kind of man that we warn other women away from; a manipulative, violent immature, alcoholic. Id leave him to it you really can't take responsibility for this his poor partner.

Stinkycatbreath Sun 24-May-20 08:35:46

....sorry didn't finish. It sounds as though she is just as tocic from you description. People get stuck i these relationships for years you need a nice peaceful life OP.

Stelmariah Sun 24-May-20 08:40:44

Stay out of it from now on. They are both grown ups and you can’t save someone who doesn’t want to be saved. Focus on yourself and your own family.

DaisyDaisyMae Sun 24-May-20 11:24:01

You cannot help him, he has to do that himself. Best thing to do is walk away, don't help or support him. It's hard but do it for yours and your family's sake. Hugs xxx

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