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Who should I punch - DH or MIL....or both???

(122 Posts)
Usernamewillautodestrustin Mon 14-Oct-19 16:50:03

Long running issues with MIL. She is manipulative, controlling and annoying. She likes to try and offend me without it looking like she is offending to anyone (if that makes sense).

Anyway...we had her over for lunch yesterday. She cooks and brings it with her. No matter how many times I tell her I am happy to cook she puts on an offended look as if I have slapped her and says 'her son deserves a break'. I don't get this because DH never cooks but I ignore it and move on.

Cue the insults - oh I see you didn't have time to clean....didn't mummy do your hair (to my 5 yeah old DD), looks at me and says 'Oh you look tired'...but the worse one was my DH saying that our youngest DD is starting to really look like me. She looks at DD, looks at me and says 'Well hopefully her looks will come in soon - they change so much at this age'.

DH carried on doing what he was doing and I felt an overwhelming need to punch her, I didn't but I did look at my youngest DD and say 'well I hope you don't change, because you are beautiful'. Then I gave MIL a look and walked in to the other room.

Why oh why is she such a bitch???

pallisers Tue 15-Oct-19 22:05:22

One day we will all be someone MIL. This is an eternal story of hurt ,loss , and fear.

Are you kidding? My mil is a joy and a dear friend to me. We were once exclaiming how her youngest and very beautiful grandchild looked so like his dad (her son) and she said "I think he looks very like his mother actually".

Janaih Tue 15-Oct-19 21:55:42

oh honey this has to stop flowers
give her one last warning: deep breath, look her in the eyes and say "It is not acceptable to speak to me like that. If you do so again you will no longer be welcome in my house. Do you you understand?"
Any wanky feigning ignorance and you say louder "DO YOU UNDERSTAND?"
If she still persists, tell her to get the fuck out of your house.
good luck.

justilou1 Tue 15-Oct-19 21:46:16

To your daughters while at the table with everyone present...
“This is why you will never be staying with Grandma, girls. Some people never seem to learn that bullying is never acceptable behaviour.”

Johnsonsfiat Tue 15-Oct-19 16:11:16

This is upsetting to read. I don't think you should have her in the house. It's cruel to you and unhealthy for the children to see her bullying you.

And it's wicked if your husband to allow it to continue.

WarmSausageTea Tue 15-Oct-19 16:07:56

Pull her up on it. Every. Single. Time.

I think this is crucial, and I would respond to all insults with ‘what exactly do you mean by that?’ It puts the ball straight back in her court and gives her very little wriggle room. You’ve put up with more than enough, time to start pushing back.

And really, your DH needs to be far more aware of his mother’s unpleasantness - and to stamp on it hard when it manifests itself.

cacklingmags Tue 15-Oct-19 15:52:22

Don't leave your kids with this woman, she is very strange and aggressive. Tell your DH to visit her on his own. Occasionally arrange a lunch out with MIL and the family and if she is rude to you or the children just pack up and leave. Don't let her into your home to insult you - it is demeaning and your children should not witness their mother being belittled.

RhinoskinhaveI Tue 15-Oct-19 10:37:59

What a gift she is, I would have a great time pulling her up on every single thing she said, you need to give as good as you get here ....and then some😊

BlueMoon1103 Tue 15-Oct-19 10:34:01

I can’t advise but well done for telling your DD she’s beautiful as she is! That was a mean thing of your MIL to say to her.

justilou1 Tue 15-Oct-19 10:33:23

Poison them both and blame her cooking.

Kanga83 Tue 15-Oct-19 10:31:56

See anytime my MIL or DM pull this kind of stunt I would cheerily sing song say 'oh sweet DD, those mean things grumpy x is saying, that's what people do when they are jealous of what a happy home we have. But WE know what kind manners are don't we'. Believe me, it stops pretty quickly.

lazylinguist Tue 15-Oct-19 10:22:23

One day we will all be someone MIL. This is an eternal story of hurt ,loss , and fear.

confused No we won't all be someone's MIL.
'Eternal story of hurt, loss and fear' - a tad dramatic, perhaps. Many people have perfectly nice MILs. Some MILs are arseholes, because some people are arseholes.

mbosnz Tue 15-Oct-19 10:19:30

One day we will all be someone MIL.

Not necessarily. Our children may not want or acquire a life partner.

This is an eternal story of hurt ,loss , and fear.

It doesn't have to be. If your children do acquire a life partner, than you are having additions made to your family, rather than 'losing' anything. If you are civil, kind, and considerate, you tend to get that back. That's how it's mostly gone in our families, anyway. When it hasn't, it's been very easy to see why!

anniemac1 Tue 15-Oct-19 10:15:04

One day we will all be someone MIL. This is an eternal story of hurt ,loss , and fear.

LittlefairyMum Tue 15-Oct-19 10:11:45

What a weapon confused

coconutpie Tue 15-Oct-19 08:58:22

I wouldn't allow her into my home again, nor would I allow her around the DC. She insulted your DC's appearance. Your DC may be too young to understand right now but soon they will be old enough to understand what your MIL is saying.

StCharlotte Tue 15-Oct-19 08:55:21

goes all quiet and tries to deny she was being offensive.

"I am offended. By definition you are being offensive." Now fuck right off

Beveren Tue 15-Oct-19 08:43:12

When she brings round something she's cooked, thank her profusely for being so considerate as to give you a break as her son never cooks. That'll stop that one.

billy1966 Tue 15-Oct-19 08:15:26

OP, you don't reward a bully by vacating your home and allowing her to have your husband, children and house.

You tell your husband, "she went too far insulting our DD, she is no longer welcome. Visit her on your own. End of"

See how often he wants to do a 5 hour round trip for lunch!

OP, children are like sponges, they hear and absorb everything.

Your DD heard and felt that swipe at her by her grandmother, please don't lie to yourself that she didn't.

Your children will definitely hear the remarks, see your face hurt and distressed, witness the strained atmosphere.

You are teaching them that they do not have any control over where they live or who comes into your home and insults you.

Why would you allow your children to learn such a damaging message.

I repeat, your husband knows EXACTLY what is being said and done, but doesn't have his family's back.

He's weak and he's wrong.

JellyBabiesSaveLives Tue 15-Oct-19 07:23:04

I think I’d get a notebook. Every time she is rude I’d ignore her, sit down in the room somewhere, and right down what she said, with the date.

It’ll make her feel nervous, it’ll be the signal to dh that he needs to,support you, and it will be a record of how awful she is. A long list of insults written down will be much harder for either your MiL or DH to brush off as “oh she didn’t mean it”.

Then I’d wait till next time she asks to visit, and say “no, you’ll have to wait till I’ve recovered from your rudeness last time” and leave it a good long while. Don’t be driven out of your own home. Your daughter doesn’t need to be seeing someone who behaves like this. Tell DH he can go to visit her without the children (as long as he dies the childcare on another day while you go out and do what you want).

Mummyoflittledragon Tue 15-Oct-19 07:10:44

My mother is like this with me. Don’t presume she will be ok with your kids long term. Mine started on dd when she was about 7. Thing is little kids grow up and often become like their parents. Yours, especially being female are going to strongly remind her of you.

ForkHandlesplease Tue 15-Oct-19 05:53:26

My response to "Did you not have time to clean?" Or as many of her comments as you can .. DH your mother s talking to you .

Soon2BeMumof3 Tue 15-Oct-19 05:31:29

Oh wow what an absolute witch.

Durgasarrow Tue 15-Oct-19 04:01:17

I would not treat a comment like that as a joke, and I would not treat it as a valid underpinnings. I would stop all conversation in its tracks to deal with it in a calm and sober manner.
"Making mean-spirited insults to a child is a choice you don't have to make. I expect you to make better choices in the future."

Pixxie7 Tue 15-Oct-19 03:13:08

Sounds narcissistic if she is she won’t change, so walk away before she can cause too much lasting damage.

Ce7913 Tue 15-Oct-19 01:05:02

You need DWIL Nation in the worst way.

Why do you tolerate being treated this way?

Do you think it's good for your daughter to hear her mother and home being constantly trashed and undermined, and see her father do essentially nothing about it?

How was MIL able to sit there and insult your five year old daughter's looks to her face and not get told to leave?

MIL is passive aggressive, manipulative and hateful, and she clearly has nothing but contempt for you, and for your marriage.

You don't have to expose yourself or your child to someone who abuses and disrespects you just because they share DNA with your husband.

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