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Told me dp I need a break

(24 Posts)
Banwell32 Wed 11-Sep-19 09:07:50

Since having my baby me and dp have been arguing every day about the smallest things. This morning I woke him up for work and he wouldn’t get up I said I’m so fed up of waking him up 20 times in the morning when I’ve been up with the baby all night who’s asleep. His response to me was he’s fed up with this relationship so I’ve kicked him out told him I need a break aibu? Also does all this arguing after you’ve had a baby ever end because I’m just about ready to end it for good

Shoxfordian Wed 11-Sep-19 09:08:29

Yanbu
Why can't he wake himself up for work like an adult?

Sweetbabycheezits Wed 11-Sep-19 09:10:53

If he continues to act like a child, then yes, the arguing will continue. He should be getting himself up for work, and sharing parental duties, including night wakings at the weekends (if he works in the week).

Sunshine196 Wed 11-Sep-19 09:13:40

I think it was an appropriate response to what he said to you.

Aderyn19 Wed 11-Sep-19 09:14:21

Having a baby puts a lot of pressure even on good relationships. If you are involved with someone who's a bit of a twat, it amplifies all their worst traits.

If you stay together, my advice is to make him do 50% of the parenting from the get go, or you will end up as the one who is responsible for everything. Taking on the whole mental load is what kills a lot of relationships because you should not have to parent your partner as well as your baby.

Anothernotherone Wed 11-Sep-19 09:15:42

Who's going to wake him up for work now? Tut tut, presumably work is his paper-round before school and you mean DS not DP...

On the other hand if he's not your 14 year old son but your adult "partner" wtf! Why on earth do you wake him up for work? Does he have a chronic illness which prevents him waking up when his alarm clock goes off like every other adult in the world?

Malibucyprus Wed 11-Sep-19 09:15:43

I wouldn’t be waking him up. You have 1 baby, not 2.

Take the break and enjoy only having to worry about yourself and the baby.

WhatsMyPassword Wed 11-Sep-19 09:17:14

His response to me was he’s fed up with this relationship so I’ve kicked him out told him I need a break aibu?

do you need the link to the CSA calulator and a good lock smith?

Nonmerci Wed 11-Sep-19 09:18:55

Having a baby puts a humongous strain on any couple, even if you have been together for decades and the baby was very much planned. It’s always a difficult adjustment for any couple and the exhausting newborn days are probably amongst the toughest.

You may overcome this, it does break some couples entirely but I think most overcome the stress and strain of the newborn stage eventually.

adaline Wed 11-Sep-19 09:20:08

Why on earth can't a grown adult wake themselves up in the morning?

He sounds like a waste of space tbh.

nutbrownhare15 Wed 11-Sep-19 09:28:00

Certainly the worst and most frequent arguments I've had with my DH have been in the first year of our children's lives and it has got better. However I've never needed to wake him up for work, that's his responsibility. I might wake him once as a favour if I thought he'd slept in accidentally, but he doesn't really need this as he sets his own alarm. In your shoes I'd leave him to it and definitely wouldn't bother 20 times. Are you worried he won't get up and therefore lose his job and this would affect you financially or something?

MRex Wed 11-Sep-19 09:30:21

How old is the baby and how was your relationship before? Is there no alarm to avoid waking the baby? You've only mentioned him sleeping through and still wanting a lie-in, is it only sleep time that's the issue or are there other problems?

All negative traits get amplified with a new baby, because of the enormous life change as well as the tiredness. Consider your relationship; presumably there's a reason why you decided to have a baby together, do you think this is fixable so that you can start working as a team (again)? If it's only him longing to still sleep as normal then ignore the over-reactions and work with him on how he needs to change to support you better rather than having a perception that you're nagging. My DH called it thinking in 3-person; you can't think about just yourself any more but both adults have to consider what it takes to get 3 people up, fed, washed, dressed etc. How do you and your DP usually fix issues, can you agree to sit down together and talk everything through calmly this evening, so you can explain what you need and why?

commanderdalgleish Wed 11-Sep-19 09:32:51

My DP would not have lasted one day if he'd expected me to wake him up for work when I was taking care of a bag all night.

commanderdalgleish Wed 11-Sep-19 09:33:06

A baby! Oh dear 😀

Qwerty19 Wed 11-Sep-19 09:34:14

Yanbu. Don't back down. X

Juells Wed 11-Sep-19 09:45:03

Don't know why you've bothered waking him. Adults get up for work by themselves. You both sound very young, you might be better off splitting up now than putting up with several years of shite and arguments. I really regretted not leaving for good (left a few times temporarily, then would be persuaded back 'for the sake of the baby') as I'd have saved myself so much unhappiness. Instead of being able to enjoy my new baby, all my memories are of stress and arguments and my life being totally out of my control. At least if I'd known I'd be on my own I'd have felt more in control.

MRex Wed 11-Sep-19 09:48:55

The OP has just had a baby, her DP is being lazy. In the absence of other information, do none of you feel even faintly ridiculous suggesting that she immediately break up their little family to spend the next 17+ years negotiating maintenance and custody, potentially only seeing her baby 50% of its childhood and all the other emotional difficulties to navigate for separated parents? Calm the fuck down! Ask and wait to see if there are other problems before being so drastic and meantime make suggestions on how to get him to understand that life has irrevocably changed so he needs to step up. Lots of people in happy and successful relationships squabble in the first year or two until they find their groove and aren't so tired. In real life I doubt you'd be advising a true friend to break up their family at the first sign of problems.

Juells Wed 11-Sep-19 10:11:27

You're right, those of us who've been through similar are projecting.

MRex Wed 11-Sep-19 10:30:43

And you might be right to do so @Juells, I didn't mean to imply your thoughts in particular weren't useful because sometimes an early decision can be best. Just even better that we check if there are other issues as well before going for the slash-and-burn method.

Cheeseandwin5 Wed 11-Sep-19 10:49:23

Whilst I understand the situation must be trying for you both, you need to be able to have a proper chat when you are not so tired.
You both need to address your concerns and see if you can work as a team to make things easier.
I think ABU to just kick him out of the house. It is a property you both share and it seems to be such action is a control thing.
Ignore the man haters who seem to want every woman to dump their partners at the fist sign ( or not as the case may be) of any discourse. They are not interested in your best interests

Anothernotherone Wed 11-Sep-19 11:43:05

Cheeseandwin5 man haters? Most people have expressed disbelief at an adult expecting their spouse/ partner (especially but not exclusively where the partner has been up doing solo night wakings for a baby) to wake them up multiple times for work, like a sullen and badly organised teenager relying on their parent instead of setting an alarm and taking responsibility for their own day.

How is that man hating? Man-child eye rolling exasperation perhaps.

MRex he's not just being lazy, though the degree of lazyness - not even getting himself up for work even when it's the OP who's been up all night with the baby - is really a pretty long way off the scale in this situation. The op says they are arguing every day about small things, and that he responded to her saying she's fed up of waking him up 20 times in the morning by saying he is sick of the relationship.

There are always some posters who think anything short of massaging the male ego and putting up with any and all shit is man hating. There are always posters eager to fawn over any man who hasn't actually cut all contact with his offspring as "a brilliant dad" and believe women should be grateful for a man who meets the low standard of holding down a job and occasionally seeing his children. It's not man hating to hold father's to a higher standard than that, rather the opposite.

Very few people are saying ltb, most are asking a fairly rhetorical question along the lines of "why does an adult need to be woken up for work rather than behaving like an adult and sorting himself out?" and those few who are saying LTB seem to be the ones who have been in the OP's position!

Sometimes people are so deeply inside a situation that they don't remember/ recognise that it's really abnormal. Unless your partner or spouse has a chronic illness specifically related to chronic fatigue or strong prescription drugs it is highly unusual for a competent adult to rely on their partner/ spouse to wake them up for work every day and this is even more unusual when the one expected to act as an alarm clock with repeating snooze feature is the one doing the night duty with their baby.

He's not just being a bit lazy, and expressing disbelief and pointing out that adults do not rely on someone else to wake them up multiple times for work is not "man hating". hmm

Banwell32 Wed 11-Sep-19 13:08:34

He has never got up the alarms just go off and he don’t even move. He does do night feeds on weekends and is really good with dd. I just feel like we are not working anymore I don’t want dd to be around constant arguing I will try to talk to him later

Banwell32 Wed 11-Sep-19 13:09:22

The baby is 5 months and teething

MRex Wed 11-Sep-19 22:20:51

How are you tonight? Have you spoken to him at all?

Also, I advise buying a chew monkey/ sophie and layering the 4 drug types; anbesol liquid (must be liquid, gel lasts only 20 min but liquid 2-3 hrs), baby nurofen/calprofen (ibuprofen, lasts 5-8 hours, AMAZING but nuclear option for minor teething stages so we save it for severe pain) and calpol/ boots paracetamol (paracetamol, lasts 4-8 hours but really helps sleep too so fabulous 15 min before sleep time), maybe some ashton & parsons powders too when you don't want to give ibuprofen (lasts about half an hour but great if you've nothing else to add). The front teeth are more painful than the other front 6, but easier than molars / canines. Drugs work, up to you if you use them but most nights they just work, so they're great if you think sleep is most important for your baby and you.

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