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Aibu to be upset with the way my brother told me his gender reveal?

(38 Posts)
etotheb Thu 11-Jul-19 19:38:13

Okay so I lost my son shortly after his birth in April this year on my daughters 1st birthday.

My brother never wished me condolences directly it was a few weeks later he commented on my F.B. picture just saying how strong I am etc.

My mum broke the news last month that the day my son died him and sil found out they was pregnant but was awkward for them to tell me? I didn't really mind and was happy for them.

Okay here's the back story. I never attended my niece christening 2 years ago, a few weeks beforehand he called me a fat tart because I asked him to be nicer to our mother and then I informed I wouldn't be able to make the christening because I had work and I live 400 miles away and can't get the time off. He never spoken to me again, only on the day my daughter was born, he wished me congratulations (I think my mum told him too)
I've been trying for over a year to make effort, when I visited my mum I even took my niece out, I send her Christmas birthday presents etc but he refused to see my daughter as he couldn't get over me not attending the christening a year earlier?
I'm always trying to make effort on Facebook etc, which he ignores and my sil has had me blocked on all social media ever since I didn't go the christening!
So he never makes effort to send me a message even these last 2 months he hasn't once asked how I was.
Now he was boxing last Friday and his gender reveal was the next day and I sent him a message saying "good luck and I hope you and your wife get blessed with what you both want" and he replied with "thanks love you"

Now the next day my mum told me they was having a boy and my brother didn't want to tell me himself because he feels awkward.,,
Next hour, I get a message on F.B. that said

" boy boy boy boy boy boy boy boy boy boy boy boy boy, ahahhaha ducking what!!!!"

I replied back with "aw glad you're happy but what's the last bit meant to mean?"

He hasn't replied since.

My mum seems to think that he may have meant to send it to someone else but it's so weird because he's never randomly sent me a message in 2 years lol

Am I being unreasonable to think he was being nasty?

Rachelover40 Thu 11-Jul-19 22:33:22

Oh etotheb, I might have guessed had I been sensible enough. D'oh!
People do use the word here.

Missangrypants Thu 11-Jul-19 22:22:16

As he is so insensitive and uncaring, stop trying to make an effort with him. He doesn't deserve it.

He's not interested you, so show no interest in him.

Tartsamazeballs Thu 11-Jul-19 22:07:02

Isn't "fucking what" a bit like "omgwtfbbq" used to be. A happy "I can't believe it" exclamation.

The rest of it though? Total dickhead.

StroppyWoman Thu 11-Jul-19 21:55:39

He sounds crushingly insensitive. I'm so sorry that's the level of compassion and support you've had.

I think ADropOf's assessment is a good one. Your brother is glossing over and ignoring anything he does that's inappropriate or hurtful and expecting you to give him a free pass.
You can choose to keep the hurt or write it off because he's a dick and you don't need the aggro.
(Or be stereotypically female about it and play nice but frankly I'd say bugger that.)
I expect he and SIL were honestly very hurt by the christening thing - let's face it, we're all a bit insane about our first babies and lose perspective. Don't let it niggle with you.
You are coping with enormous loss. My heart goes out to you - don't let your brother's insensitivity make your journey any more difficult than it is.

FiddlesticksAkimbo Thu 11-Jul-19 21:54:04

Yes, you are

Boysey45 Thu 11-Jul-19 21:52:33

I'm sorry for your loss and for other people who have lost children, it must be very hard.
I'd have nothing further to do with him personally, he sounds horrid.

Drum2018 Thu 11-Jul-19 21:11:29

That message aside, I think your brother and sil are appalling insensitive bastards. For your brother/sil not to contact you as soon as your son died is just awful. There was no excuse for that and it shows how nasty and self centred they both are. Personally I'd have very little to do with them.

etotheb Thu 11-Jul-19 20:59:56


I agree with above poster has said! Truly made me feel better

TroubleWithNargles Thu 11-Jul-19 20:41:34

#ADropofReality An insightful post there, it is always interesting to find out what the other side is thinking, so to speak.

SagAloojah Thu 11-Jul-19 20:37:29

OP, he was being nasty. That is not a message you send to someone who lost her son shortly after birth sad

Why are you still bothering wity bro and SIL? They sound like twats. Be thankful they're 400 miles away and block them on everything.

etotheb Thu 11-Jul-19 20:34:54


Thank you so much, you have made me feel better and also gave me some closure on what our relationship has been like for the past two years.

Also thanks everyone for your kind words.

I know there is two sides to every story but I just don't think me not attending a christening that I couldn't make warrants him putting low contact on me despite my efforts every week. But I guess he doesn't like me so his choice, when I found out I was expecting a boy he told my mum that "I must think I'm so good giving them the first grand son" so maybe he has been harbouring some competition with me that I've been completely unaware of since we've both left home?

PooWillyBumBum Thu 11-Jul-19 20:31:05

Honestly, I would assume it was meant for someone else and get on with your life.

Too much drama. He sounds like a childish idiot.

etotheb Thu 11-Jul-19 20:29:35


It actually sounds very much like him, everything you just said! Good to know from a mans perspective! Thank you!

etotheb Thu 11-Jul-19 20:28:00

Ducking is meant to be "fucking" but didn't know if that word was allowed here x

ADropofReality Thu 11-Jul-19 20:26:24

I trust it's realised the above post contains sarcasm. When I say "the OP is the unreasonable one" I mean in the eye of her brother.

OP, YANBU, and your brother is an insecure male who cannot face up to the consequences of his own actions when those actions were mistaken, if you wanted the straight answer.

lljkk Thu 11-Jul-19 20:25:32

" boy boy boy boy boy boy boy boy boy boy boy boy boy, ahahhaha ducking what!!!!"

OP seems to be saying these specific words were nasty.

I dunno if brother is a coward or if OP is spikey (we only hear OP's side in a thread like this). I would probably stay civil to keep the peace & my mum happy, if I was OP.

7sausagedoggys Thu 11-Jul-19 20:25:20

So sorry for your loss 💐

Sounds like faults on both sides to be honest. I don't think that message was meant to be for you. Doesn't make sense really.

BlueMerchant Thu 11-Jul-19 20:25:08

I don't personally think it was nasty. Insensitive yes.

ADropofReality Thu 11-Jul-19 20:24:26

Furthermore, he will expect you to work out it was a mistake on his part and for you to forgive him without even him telling you it was a mistake. You, no doubt, will always have that doubt in the back of your mind, but he won't confirm for you it was a mistake. That would mean confronting his mistake and admitting he's not perfect. No, all the deduction is one for you. And you're the unreasonable one for not working it out immediately and unconditionally forgiving him immediately.

ADropofReality Thu 11-Jul-19 20:20:57

This is in no way to excuse this behaviour, but I would lay odds that that "boy boy boy" message was meant for someone else; then when he realised he'd sent it to you, and received your message in return, knowing you lost a son, he's too embarrassed to get back to you and apologise or say anything.

You see, us men are dickheads. If men make a mistake and that mistake hurts other people, they say to themselves "I didn't mean to hurt that person. So why should I apologise? It was an honest mistake. I shouldn't have to feel guilty. I don't care how the other party is feeling, I didn't mean to make them feel like that, so I shouldn't have to apologise, so I won't. I'll simply ignore it and hope the problem goes away (and if it's a woman I've upset, all the better to hope she'll forgive me tout suite)"

So your brother is a dickhead, but I'm afraid it is unlikely he'll apologise. He'll just leave you to fester over it in the hope you'd be too embarrassed to mention it when you next meet, especially if it's in a small gathering eg mum's birthday do in mum's living room.

Men will write off their mistakes with "I didn't mean to do it, so I shouldn't have to apologise and you shouldn't be upset", women will generally apologise. Men are dickheads, sorry.

Bansheezus Thu 11-Jul-19 20:20:18

What about calling her a fat tart and not speaking to her for the past year? The guy is a dick.

hazell42 Thu 11-Jul-19 20:19:14

He wasnt being nasty.
He was being a coward in not talking to you.
Some people just cant handle it and dont know what to say.
It doesnt cover them in glory but it's not malicious
Though I can see why it might look that way from where you are sitting

Widgetsframe Thu 11-Jul-19 20:18:08

I suspect that he copied the text and sent it to loads of people. Don’t give it much thought, congratulate them on their news or wait until baby arrives

Rachelover40 Thu 11-Jul-19 20:14:39

What does 'ducking what mean?

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult Thu 11-Jul-19 20:11:37

Where I don't think he is being nasty with that message, I think the death of a child shows people up for who they really are.

Since my children died people who I never expected stepped up, and some of my very best friends fell by the wayside.

I'm a lot of years down this shitty path of being a bereaved parent, but I do remember all the expectations and shocks I had in the first few years, some of the shit people say, and the stuff they don't say, is entirely shocking.

Honestly, my advice is to just be selfish,don't give him headspace, or anyone else who says too much, or too little, and look out for yourself and your immediate family. You're going through the worst thing anyone ever could, don't worry about anyone else.

I'm so sorry flowers

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