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AIBU?

Aibu to be upset with the way my brother told me his gender reveal?

37 replies

etotheb · 11/07/2019 19:38

Okay so I lost my son shortly after his birth in April this year on my daughters 1st birthday.

My brother never wished me condolences directly it was a few weeks later he commented on my F.B. picture just saying how strong I am etc.

My mum broke the news last month that the day my son died him and sil found out they was pregnant but was awkward for them to tell me? I didn't really mind and was happy for them.

Okay here's the back story. I never attended my niece christening 2 years ago, a few weeks beforehand he called me a fat tart because I asked him to be nicer to our mother and then I informed I wouldn't be able to make the christening because I had work and I live 400 miles away and can't get the time off. He never spoken to me again, only on the day my daughter was born, he wished me congratulations (I think my mum told him too)
I've been trying for over a year to make effort, when I visited my mum I even took my niece out, I send her Christmas birthday presents etc but he refused to see my daughter as he couldn't get over me not attending the christening a year earlier?
I'm always trying to make effort on Facebook etc, which he ignores and my sil has had me blocked on all social media ever since I didn't go the christening!
So he never makes effort to send me a message even these last 2 months he hasn't once asked how I was.
Now he was boxing last Friday and his gender reveal was the next day and I sent him a message saying "good luck and I hope you and your wife get blessed with what you both want" and he replied with "thanks love you"

Now the next day my mum told me they was having a boy and my brother didn't want to tell me himself because he feels awkward.,,
Next hour, I get a message on F.B. that said

" boy boy boy boy boy boy boy boy boy boy boy boy boy, ahahhaha ducking what!!!!"

I replied back with "aw glad you're happy but what's the last bit meant to mean?"

He hasn't replied since.

My mum seems to think that he may have meant to send it to someone else but it's so weird because he's never randomly sent me a message in 2 years lol

Am I being unreasonable to think he was being nasty?

OP posts:

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BlueSkiesLies · 11/07/2019 19:40

You know how some people have dick heads for relatives? You’ve got one of those.

Pinktinker · 11/07/2019 19:42

I reckon it was meant for someone else as well personally.

I wouldn’t be giving him much headspace. I can completely understand why they both find it awkward mentioning the pregnancy, they don’t want to trigger you in any way. What I can’t understand is his reluctance to reach out at any point and ask how you’re doing. That’s pretty naff and unforgivable.

TheChain · 11/07/2019 19:43

I don’t think that was a nasty message, I think he seems excited. You’re understandably sensitive at the moment so I think you’ve read too much into it. He probably messaged you because you sent him a message saying good luck... he even said he loves you in the previous reply.
Nothing about that message seems nasty xx

So sorry for your loss

etotheb · 11/07/2019 19:43

Yeah I'm trying to imagine myself really excited going "yeahhh and what woooo got my boy "

OP posts:

Soubriquet · 11/07/2019 19:44

I would say it was meant for someone else

Sorry for your loss OP

Skittlesss · 11/07/2019 19:45

Oh gosh, I honestly think I would go low/no contact with him. I think the last straw would have been the fact that he didn’t even pick up the phone when you lost your son.

I’ve been there when a sibling loses a child. It’s horrendous, heartbreaking, utterly devastating. I couldn’t imagine not saying anything until a comment on Facebook some weeks later.

I’m so sorry for your loss

GruciusMalfoy · 11/07/2019 20:01

I don't think it was supposed to be nasty, but I think it was possibly sent to you by mistake, and if not that, it was ill thought out.

I'm so sorry about your son x

Chloemol · 11/07/2019 20:03

I think you just need to ignore it and move on

Durgasarrow · 11/07/2019 20:07

I don't think it's necessarily personal--this is the kind of comment that could mean a lot of things. Your relationship is fragile, and I understand why you are hurt, but this isn't a direct reason why I think you should be offended without other evidence.

Bansheezus · 11/07/2019 20:08

Even if the message was sent to you in error all the other stuff makes me confident in declaring that your brother is a massive twat. Calling you a fat tart? Being a dick to your mum? Cutting off all contact because you couldn't make his daughter's christening? And I bet they're not one bit religious and the christening was just a day out. Fair enough if it was but don't then kick up a stink because people couldn't make it!

Honestly forget him.

for your terrible loss. You must still feel so raw.

Bansheezus · 11/07/2019 20:09

And yes, biggest of all was his failure to get in touch when your baby son died. I'd find it impossible to come back from that one.

lljkk · 11/07/2019 20:10

I don't understand what was supposed to be nasty.

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 11/07/2019 20:11

Where I don't think he is being nasty with that message, I think the death of a child shows people up for who they really are.

Since my children died people who I never expected stepped up, and some of my very best friends fell by the wayside.

I'm a lot of years down this shitty path of being a bereaved parent, but I do remember all the expectations and shocks I had in the first few years, some of the shit people say, and the stuff they don't say, is entirely shocking.

Honestly, my advice is to just be selfish,don't give him headspace, or anyone else who says too much, or too little, and look out for yourself and your immediate family. You're going through the worst thing anyone ever could, don't worry about anyone else.

I'm so sorry

Rachelover40 · 11/07/2019 20:14

What does 'ducking what mean?

Widgetsframe · 11/07/2019 20:18

I suspect that he copied the text and sent it to loads of people. Don’t give it much thought, congratulate them on their news or wait until baby arrives

hazell42 · 11/07/2019 20:19

He wasnt being nasty.
He was being a coward in not talking to you.
Some people just cant handle it and dont know what to say.
It doesnt cover them in glory but it's not malicious
Though I can see why it might look that way from where you are sitting

Bansheezus · 11/07/2019 20:20

What about calling her a fat tart and not speaking to her for the past year? The guy is a dick.

ADropofReality · 11/07/2019 20:20

This is in no way to excuse this behaviour, but I would lay odds that that "boy boy boy" message was meant for someone else; then when he realised he'd sent it to you, and received your message in return, knowing you lost a son, he's too embarrassed to get back to you and apologise or say anything.

You see, us men are dickheads. If men make a mistake and that mistake hurts other people, they say to themselves "I didn't mean to hurt that person. So why should I apologise? It was an honest mistake. I shouldn't have to feel guilty. I don't care how the other party is feeling, I didn't mean to make them feel like that, so I shouldn't have to apologise, so I won't. I'll simply ignore it and hope the problem goes away (and if it's a woman I've upset, all the better to hope she'll forgive me tout suite)"

So your brother is a dickhead, but I'm afraid it is unlikely he'll apologise. He'll just leave you to fester over it in the hope you'd be too embarrassed to mention it when you next meet, especially if it's in a small gathering eg mum's birthday do in mum's living room.

Men will write off their mistakes with "I didn't mean to do it, so I shouldn't have to apologise and you shouldn't be upset", women will generally apologise. Men are dickheads, sorry.

ADropofReality · 11/07/2019 20:24

Furthermore, he will expect you to work out it was a mistake on his part and for you to forgive him without even him telling you it was a mistake. You, no doubt, will always have that doubt in the back of your mind, but he won't confirm for you it was a mistake. That would mean confronting his mistake and admitting he's not perfect. No, all the deduction is one for you. And you're the unreasonable one for not working it out immediately and unconditionally forgiving him immediately.

BlueMerchant · 11/07/2019 20:25

I don't personally think it was nasty. Insensitive yes.

7sausagedoggys · 11/07/2019 20:25

So sorry for your loss 💐

Sounds like faults on both sides to be honest. I don't think that message was meant to be for you. Doesn't make sense really.

lljkk · 11/07/2019 20:25

" boy boy boy boy boy boy boy boy boy boy boy boy boy, ahahhaha ducking what!!!!"

OP seems to be saying these specific words were nasty.

I dunno if brother is a coward or if OP is spikey (we only hear OP's side in a thread like this). I would probably stay civil to keep the peace & my mum happy, if I was OP.

ADropofReality · 11/07/2019 20:26

I trust it's realised the above post contains sarcasm. When I say "the OP is the unreasonable one" I mean in the eye of her brother.

OP, YANBU, and your brother is an insecure male who cannot face up to the consequences of his own actions when those actions were mistaken, if you wanted the straight answer.

etotheb · 11/07/2019 20:28

Ducking is meant to be "fucking" but didn't know if that word was allowed here x

OP posts:

etotheb · 11/07/2019 20:29

Adropofreality

It actually sounds very much like him, everything you just said! Good to know from a mans perspective! Thank you!

OP posts:

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