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In not being able to forget this and being upset with dp for his view on it

(17 Posts)
tullytwo Tue 17-Jul-07 22:31:18

Hopefully that got your attention!

Basically my first sexual experience was not fun - I was intimidated into having sex and didnt speak throughout the experience - it was awful and not just in the normal sense.

I had had a drink but dont think I was drunk but I still cant remember an awful lot about that night except snapshots of it.

It was with a boy I did like and I think it was common knowledge I liked him as he approached me that night for the first time ever - he was 2 years above me at school. We had never spoken before and have never spoken since.

Word unfortunately spread around school and as I had moved from another country only the term before I think it kinda sealed peoples opinions of me although they couldnt have been further from the truth.

I have ended up being back 'home' again and find it hard as I do see him occasionally and see people from school and still feel judged on that incident.

Also dp is quite dismissive of it - I know he means that I shouldnt allow it to upset me so much but it comes across as if he doesnt really grasp how awful it was for me and how it stil makes me feel.

Anyway thankyou if you managed it to then end of this it helped just writing it down - I have never really spoken about it to anyone and I think about it every day.

MotherFunk Tue 17-Jul-07 22:38:16

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stressteddy Tue 17-Jul-07 22:38:54

tully - couldn't pass this by without coming to say hi
This sounds like such a massive issue in your mind. You think about it every day

Sweetheart, I think you need to talk to someone about it - a counsellor?

Try not to be too harsh on your dp - his history isn't your history

Love to you and I hope this gets better for you

madamez Tue 17-Jul-07 22:46:36

Agree that you probably need to talk to someone other than your DP about it - you may even find that having let it out on MN it begins to lose some of its power over you.
To be fair to your DP, he's a separate individual who isn't obliged to feel the way you feel and while he may be sympathetic to your distress no one's sympathy is infinite (for one thing, it doesn't actually help to encourage a person close to you to go over and over and over an upsetting incident - it is important to move on rather than get into a kind of closed loop about the incident).
You will be able to feel better about it soooner or later, honest.

Elasticwoman Tue 17-Jul-07 22:48:17

Unfortunately, an all too common experience; the flipside of freedom. At 15, MF you had no legal consent to give, and TT you must have been pretty young at the time too. It gives rise to the question: how do we protect our children (esp dds) from going through this?

tullytwo Tue 17-Jul-07 22:52:59

Thankyou all. I cant believe that it has helped just to write it down - have never spoken about his before - definitely feels a relief and makes me feel like its ok to not be ok with what happened to me (iykwim).

I know dp does it because he loves me and doesnt like to see me be upset and I wish I could tell him what I have said on here but I just cant.

Unfortunately what happened contributed to a cycle of self loathing which continues to this day and makes it harder to forget about it and move on although I do try hard too.

I hate drama and hate people to think I am drawing attention to myself by making this seem like something it wasnt - I know it wasnt rape but it wasnt consensual either and I find it hard to allow myself to acknowledge that as I feel I am making a drama out of it and I should just move on. I need it to be acknowledged somehow.

stressteddy Tue 17-Jul-07 22:55:17

Darling you have started the process here tonight
Well done you
This is a fantastic first step
You may find that this is enough for now but it also may spur you on to take more action

Love to you

tullytwo Tue 17-Jul-07 22:55:25

I was just 15 also

MotherFunk Tue 17-Jul-07 22:56:22

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MotherFunk Tue 17-Jul-07 22:57:57

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stressteddy Tue 17-Jul-07 22:59:19

Tully - I second that - it really does help to talk on Mn

harpsichordcuddler Tue 17-Jul-07 23:00:27

tullytwo I am very sorry to hear about your experience. I think it would probably be helpful to look at counselling or at least find someone to talk this through with.
I think yo9u need to work through it before yoiu can move on.
I know it might seem that your dp isn't sympathetic but he perhaps feels helpless and doens't know what to do or say. minimising it is his way of helping, perhaps?saying it doesn't matter?

Pan Tue 17-Jul-07 23:20:01

agreeing with harpsi...he may not know what to do or say..feeling pretty frozen..BUT..if you are constantly making your own reference to it, in your own mind, it sounds like it does need to be expanded upon, to someone who is a little more detached.

How old are you? Do you have friends who could listen??

tullytwo Wed 18-Jul-07 09:21:44

Sorry I had to go last night. Thankyou for your replies and for listening to me.

I do have friends in rl but none that I would talk to this about - my 2 closest friends are going through some serious stuff of their own at the moment as well so wouldnt bother them.

Not sure if I want to go to counselling - have been briefly before and it helped with family issues and dp and I have been to Relate but I just dont have the energy right now to do it I dont think.

I think you are right about dp - maybe I should talk to him clearly I just want him to be honest and not say what he thinks I want to hear either.

Do you think I am ridiculous for dwelling on this? I am sure this happens to loads of girls doesnt it? Its not that I let it affect me on a daily basis but I certainly think of it daily iykwim?

Donna10 Wed 18-Jul-07 10:20:52

I wonder if I am being unreasonable about thinking about a seperation from my husband as I feel his behaviour is a little alarming. He has recently been called to a meeting at his work which has the potential to be disciplinary because they think he has written 2 letters about people in his work blaming them for being incomtent etc etc. These people were suspended pending investigations and one left because she couldnt stand the stress of it all. I know he wrote them because I saw them on the comuter but hadnt realised what he was up to- he has since deleted them. I confronted him about it but he denies it but I KNOW he did it. I can't get my head round why he would do such a thing and its shaken my belief in him. Ive told him he has to come clean with me , even if he doesn't at his work and I feel if he cant be honest with me we have to go our seperate ways as I cant trust him. I have 3 kids and dont want to go this way -am I being unreasonable about this

anniemac Wed 18-Jul-07 10:39:52

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Elasticwoman Wed 18-Jul-07 13:35:58

Donna - you need to start a new thread for that.

TT - have you read Tess of the Durbevilles (Thomas Hardy)? It was written well over a century ago and subtitled A Pure Woman, which caused a furore at the time because Tess is seduced.

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