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How long should a 3 year old be away from him mummy?

(98 Posts)
Rainbow03 Tue 23-Apr-19 07:52:21

Hi, me again smile recently separated, going for a divorce based on H unreasonable behaviour. Regarding the concerns and the fact it tears my soul how long should DS, 3 stay with his dad.

At the moment he goes 2 days over night so Monday till Tuesday and has been coming on a sat eve if he finished work early enough . My H has sent me a msg to say it’s not fair on him that I have 5 days and him 2. This is based around his days off. He wants to give up a day of work and have Ds 3 days, but I’ve said to hold up it’s not what is fair on us but what is best for our son and his mental stability at such a young age.

Previously when we were together my H hasn’t really been that fussed doing anything with DS, I used to have to beg him to read a bedtime story. His usual response was I’ve been at work and I’m tried you’ve done nothing all day so you do it. I’ve done every bedtime, bathtime etc whilst he has sat on the couch. So so does he want more now?

YouWinAgain Tue 23-Apr-19 18:43:27

My Solicitor told me Mediation wouldn't be suitable, but the mediators can also decide that. The initial meeting is done with just you, no ex-partner he has his own separate one.

Rainbow03 Tue 23-Apr-19 18:51:13

And if it’s deemed not suitable because he intimidates me it goes to court? Do you have to go and speak in front of a judge and husband? I’m guessing this will be expensive and my husband has already told me if he doesn’t get his way he will drag it out until all the money has gone. I have very little saved up at the moment, it’s literally the child benefit I saved in a children’s account for Ds.

YouWinAgain Tue 23-Apr-19 18:57:51

He can't drag it out. Tomorrow is our final hearing of 3. It's only lasted so long as our DD has SN.

I had a solicitor who did all the speaking for me all I had to do was confirm my name and confirm DDs name and DOB.

Erythronium Tue 23-Apr-19 18:59:59

Supervised contact only. You need to stand up to him and protect your son.

If he threatens you again or harasses you, call the police.

Rainbow03 Tue 23-Apr-19 19:03:37

I’ve said about this on another post but if he doesn’t get what he wants he will spend as much money as possible and will go to jail if needs be! Im sorry but I hate his so much.

Surfskatefamily Tue 23-Apr-19 19:05:26

I actually think that its better to have a stable base home than being passed around so much. Personally. Id go for 1 day overnight in week plus EOWeekend.

Its not in the childs best interest 50/50 split. This is coming from me whos folks got divorced when i was 3.

I felt comfortable that mums place was home....and also that if i didnt want to go with dad i didnt have to. In the same breath, there were times i wanted to go round to dads for dinner more and thay was always ok.

YouWinAgain Tue 23-Apr-19 19:06:40

My Ex threatened the same, the courts can stop him making malicious applications to them.

I know it's scary, but it will get better. I remember being terrified of going to court, I honestly think it was the best solution for us now and we've got an arrangement that works for DD which neither of us can argue about or change.

Rainbow03 Tue 23-Apr-19 19:19:26

And I guess if he gets angered in court and shows his true colours (which he will as, and these are words from his mouth “I’m not f*****g scared of anybody, nobody can tell me anything ” then they will see what he is really like!

YouWinAgain Tue 23-Apr-19 19:22:32

Yes they will!

I was allowed to produce evidence for the hearing tomorrow of his continued manipulation of me, it all counts!

Rainbow03 Tue 23-Apr-19 19:27:15

Are you having 3 hearings because he didn’t agree on the 1st one? I think I’m gonna have to go down the solicitor route and just try and find the money. I thought (god knows why) that we would be able to sort this out between us for the sake of our son (of whom he claims to love so much) but we can’t, my very existence sets him off confused

YouWinAgain Tue 23-Apr-19 19:31:14

1st hearing was a primarily hearing to decide what was happening.

The 2nd hearing should of been the final but because of DDs SN we had to "try out" the contact agreed first to ensure it suits her.

The 3rd (and hopefully) final hearing tomorrow is to confirm if the contact is working and if any changes need to be made.

ExH originally took me to court for full custody/residency without visitation for me, and was laughed out of court. He agreed to everything I offered, no fight whatsoever, which surprised me.

Rainbow03 Tue 23-Apr-19 20:10:31

Probably just wanted to cause you more pain. Or maybe like my H he really doesn’t see the problems he has caused so thinks he is justified. That or maybe they not so big when stood in front of a judge as they are in front of there wives.

GabsAlot Tue 23-Apr-19 20:20:11

thats it op theyre ful of it for the partners and then cower in front of anyone else

but if he doesnt they'll laugh him out of court

Rainbow03 Tue 23-Apr-19 20:40:46

I’m actually starting to think that he is loosing his self control. I never respond to these but in one text he begs me to come back then the next tells me he will move out of the family home so we can return then the next he he telling me he will make this as hard for me as possible. I’m not sure if he is ok?!

YouWinAgain Tue 23-Apr-19 21:45:27

He might be manipulating you, or trying to. But if you're worried when it goes to court you can ask for a mental health assessment.

SteelRiver Tue 23-Apr-19 21:49:35

I'm probably being cynical, but my first thought was that he might be trying to get out of paying child maintenance, or to reduce the payments as much as possible.

Rainbow03 Tue 23-Apr-19 22:04:00

Personally I don’t think he has a clue what his anger has done to us and is getting wound up because I’m not budging on my decision to leave. He hates the fact I will benefit in anyway from the money saved during our marriage which he believes is all his. He is busy emptying and moving money from joint accounts but he doesn’t realise I can see the large figures leaving on the bank statements online so I’m taking screenshots. Money had been one of his main points of control in our relationship.

YouWinAgain Tue 23-Apr-19 22:14:35

My ex tried to do the same, I froze the bank account. He seems to think when we eventually get divorced it'll be his, but it was earned while we were together so technically it's both of ours, and I'll probably get 3/4 of it due to the debts he left me with and the fact I have our DD 13 days out of 14 (and actually see her every day as I get her up and drop her to his, then pick her up and put her to bed even on his weekend)

YouWinAgain Tue 23-Apr-19 22:15:02

*on his weekend i get her up Saturday and put her to bed Sunday

nauseous5000 Tue 23-Apr-19 22:16:18

Look, my ex sounds a lot like yours, but since DD has been 3 he's had her for 8 days at a time (22 daus over summer) He's committed to being a good (Disney) dad when she's with him. He's gone from a FFSdad, to "I won't pay but she'll be spoilt rotten and see other fam with me."

Try to chill about DS having extended time with him, but ask for FaceTime/ Skype: you and DS might not get much out of it, but you'll get comfort from seeing him alive etc. It's effing shit, but it's better than being in this position per brex

Coyoacan Wed 24-Apr-19 02:20:55

Oh dear, OP. Have you collected any evidence about his behaviour when he is angry and his drug taking?

If you haven't you need to start doing what you can to collect it. He sounds a lot like my ex-SIL, except that dd wasn't married to him and hadn't put him on the birth cert, fortunately enough. He was always a loving father, but his drug-taking and his rage when angry eventually made him too dangerous to allow near their daughter. She misses him but it is just too dangerous.

Tavannach Wed 24-Apr-19 02:35:14

Don’t respond to these demands. Seek legal advice and do it through a solicitor. Set out your concerns about the anger and drug-taking. Don’t be scared of this man

Get legal advice asap.
You need to stop him emptying the joint accounts asap, too.

albayalby Wed 24-Apr-19 11:40:45

my very existence sets him off
It isn't you, it is him. The important thing is to do you best to ensure that he doesn't behave in the same way to your ds.

@youwinagain it sounds as though you are ok with what was decided, but I find it shocking that your ex was violent and yet has your dc unsupervised at all.

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