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To throw away cards my mum puts through my door for my son?

(28 Posts)
Dontcomeinmygarden Sat 20-Apr-19 21:15:54

Hi all

I’m NC with my mother. I confronted how I felt about what she’d put me through in my life (stuck with a sometimes violent, constantly criticising man no matter how mean he was for years while I was a child, didn’t want to know when I was in dire straits with my mental health, had tantrums if I didn’t do what she wanted, I could list many many more things) during therapy, had a nervous breakdown and seperated myself to protect my MH.

The sticking point is my DS. She decided to be super keen when he came along, round every five minutes, constantly doting on him etc. So for that reason the NC was fought by her. But I just couldn’t let her back in. I was too fragile and she affects me too much.

And then she decided to rock up to DS’ nativity play uninvited and try to ban me from seeing my dying grandmother and that was it, no going back after that.

But she continues to stick cards through the door for ds. She doesn’t even post them, she actually walks up to my door and puts them through. I never give them to him because it’s been a year and a half at least since he last saw her and I think it’s be very confusing for him to receive them as we don’t see her and he doesn’t talk about her anymore. Aibu to chuck them?

Ewitsahooman Sat 20-Apr-19 21:20:12

Just bin them.

Don't send them back because that opens a dialogue and gives her a reason to come back and post them through again or to up the ante by trying to deliver them directly to him (e.g., at school). Bin and say nothing.

aprilanne Sat 20-Apr-19 21:20:19

I think it is probably unfair to throw them out just keep them for your son until he is old enough they are after all for him not you .but don't engage with her personally if she makes you ill

4040vision Sat 20-Apr-19 23:04:03

Your mum, childhood and subsequent MH sound bear identical to mine. I to am NC now, after counselling made me see the light.

Bin them, although be aware that she might somehow play the victim and try to get to you through other family members.

Sparklesocks Sat 20-Apr-19 23:11:29

I’m sorry you’ve had to deal with this, I think it’s completely reasonable to quietly throw them away

bridgetreilly Sun 21-Apr-19 00:40:50

I think it's fine to throw them out, but how old is your child? At some point he's going to notice a woman putting cards through your door and ask about them/her. You'll need to work out how to explain things appropriately to him.

Cherrysoup Sun 21-Apr-19 00:44:01

Just bin them. Easy.

SandyY2K Sun 21-Apr-19 00:47:29

Throw them away. Would she listen if you told her not to send them?

VanillaBlossom Sun 21-Apr-19 00:59:17

I would pass them on to ds...they are for him after all ...quite shocked at all the other responses to bin them confused
She sounds like a shit mother but to be fair , could be an amazing grandmother...she seems to be really trying to make amends by what you describe and hopefully she will start to appreciate what she has...people do change - first strike as grandparent then out if anything occurs,,,!

CharityConundrum Sun 21-Apr-19 01:08:13

She sounds like a shit mother but to be fair , could be an amazing grandmother...she seems to be really trying to make amends by what you describe

Amazing grandparents don't treat their grandchildren's parents like shit, and posting obviously unwelcome cards to someone is not my idea of making amends.

Ewitsahooman Sun 21-Apr-19 01:09:21

She sounds like a shit mother but to be fair , could be an amazing grandmother...she seems to be really trying to make amends by what you describe and hopefully she will start to appreciate what she has

Please don't take this the wrong way but that's exactly the sort of kindness abusers prey on. Unfortunately abusive parents rarely make amazing grandparents and to you it sounds like she's trying to make amends but to me, the child of an emotional abuser, it sounds like she's trying to continue an element of control over the OP. When you're dealing with someone like her mother, a card is never just a card.

Ewitsahooman Sun 21-Apr-19 01:10:47

OP, the Stately Homes threads over on the Relationships boards have a wealth of knowledge and advice for dealing with toxic parents.

Widowodiw Sun 21-Apr-19 01:14:55

Um I wouldn’t give them to him
But perhaps keep them in case he finds out about them later in life. But I’d also be checking what was written in those cards beforehand.

70isaLimitNotaTarget Sun 21-Apr-19 01:16:54

Is there money in them ? (If so you could put it in charity collection tin)

I would shred them and return the bits .
No mistaking the message there .

Seahorseshoe Sun 21-Apr-19 01:22:26

If he decides to see her when he's old enough to make up his own mind, she can tell him she never gave up on him and tried to contact and send cards.

I'd be inclined to keep them. If this scenario never happens, then bin them. If they're gone, they're gone. You have the power to dispose of them at any point. Don't give her the ammo.

WhenISnappedAndFarted Sun 21-Apr-19 01:41:27

I would personally keep them for him until he's old enough and he can decide if he wants to read them or not.

However, if you really don't want to keep them then just put them in the bin.

Jaspermcsween Sun 21-Apr-19 01:45:51

You shouldn’t bin other people’s stuff.

Italiangreyhound Sun 21-Apr-19 01:58:00

I would not pass on to my child things which would or might create a link to a person I know to be not a safe person to have around kids. The fact was or he was biologically related to the person posting the things is immaterial in my mind.

A person who has stuck by a violent partner and allowed her child to be in that position is very unlikely to make a great grandma. She sounds like she has little common sense and is not at all nice.

They are not the child's cards, they are the grandma's cards, unwelcome and unneeded. I would bin them too.

When he is an adult she may well tell him of the cards and i expect he will have very little interest in them since he will know that you are the person who has loved him and kept him safe.


Italiangreyhound Sun 21-Apr-19 01:59:09

The fact I was or he was....

differentnameforthis Sun 21-Apr-19 04:07:37

She sounds like a shit mother but to be fair , could be an amazing grandmother Words spoken by someone who doesn't have a toxic mother.

first strike as grandparent then out if anything occurs, Trouble is, that first strike can be so bloody damaging, it's often not worth the risks or the conditions that come with it.

PregnantSea Sun 21-Apr-19 05:47:50

I think you should pass them onto your son. However you feel about your mother it's not really fair to pretend that she's never tried to contact your DS. If he finds out that you did this he will probably feel very betrayed and it may actually encourage a relationship between him and your DM, and then your DM gets to say that she's wonderful and you're the wicked one who threw away all those cards and hid it all from him. It's better to just be honest.

Mememeplease Sun 21-Apr-19 06:05:49

You shouldn’t bin other people’s stuff.
You can if it is part of safeguarding a vulnerable child from a toxic person.


You may want to read them and if the content isn't damaging as such, keep them so there is the option of giving them to him when he is older- if it is appropriate.

If it's too upsetting to read them right now, then that's ok too.

Dontcomeinmygarden Sun 21-Apr-19 06:23:53

She put one through the door at Christmas with his name on the front written in child’s handwriting. All scribbly. I thought it was from one of his school friends so gave it to him and when he opened it it was her normal writing inside. He asked me why she had written the outside like a child, I said I dunno, and then he just left the card on the kitchen counter uninterested. So I chucked it.

She was a good grandma in the superficial sense of buying him stuff, making him laugh and playing with him. However she never wanted to babysit, gave him food he was allergic to and once slapped his legs when he was having a tantrum. The last incident was the killer and the beginning of my therapy and separation.

He is 8.

Devon1987 Sun 21-Apr-19 06:31:32

Bin them. She sounds like an awful human/ terrible mother/bad grandmother. Do not feel guilty. You are protecting your family from her.

toomuchtooold Sun 21-Apr-19 06:53:09

first strike as grandparent then out if anything occurs

I don't mean this to sound harsh but what you're saying (and I've done it, and I look back and I'm horrified) is that you should give someone that you for a fact is abusive access to your son, and wait until she commits some act of abuse to him before keeping her away from him. If it was anyone other than the OP's mother, you would be very clear that that was a neglectful thing to do.

YouLikeTheBadOnesToo Sun 21-Apr-19 07:04:30

I’d keep them for when he is older, just in case he asks about her.

I’ve never met my maternal grandparents, they had a falling out with my mum when she was a teen & she ended up being raised by another relative.

I’ve never had any desire to know them, but one of my siblings attempted to make contact in his teens. In his head he had an incredibly romanticised view of how things were going to go, and genuinely wanted to build a relationship with them.

It didn’t go well, because they were awful people who had no desire to know us. But I can’t imagine the damage it would have done to my mum & brother’s relationship if my grandparents had told him my mum had binned cards from them.

Pop them in a box then they’re there for him to see if he wants to know more about her when he’s older.

Ithinkmycatisevil Sun 21-Apr-19 07:26:41

I think you should keep the cards. It's your choice if you want to give them to him now or not, but I don't think you should bin them.

VanillaBlossom Mon 22-Apr-19 01:20:41

Op I hope you things go okay for you either way flowers
I see I've had quite a bit backlash but I was honestly just giving my honest opinion.. maybes I can be too forgiving of folk but no one is perfect at the end of the day!....and I just thought from what you said that she was maybes really trying.

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