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To not want my baby. What's wrong with me?

(23 Posts)
Ivamisake Fri 12-Apr-19 13:11:24

I'm 38 weeks pregnant and I'm suddenly overcome with the feeling that I don't want my baby sad

This has came out of nowhere the past few days. I have an almost 2 year old and was only just recovering from PND when this baby was conceived whilst I had a coil fitted. After the initial shock we got used to the idea. I thought I was doing fine until now.

I regret not terminating, i think. I am with the father of both DC but the relationship isn't great. There's no abuse, it's just ran it's course and were more like housemates. He has been unfaithful some years ago but we reconciled. He has been a good father and is excited about the new baby. I can't shake the feeling I'm going to be left looking after both on my own at some point.

Please somebody tell me it's not completely abnormal to feel like this. Has anybody else? Could it just be third trimester hormones? I feel like a horrible person and so so down sad

bitchfromhell Fri 12-Apr-19 13:18:53

God it's completely normal, my ds is the most longed for and loved child in the world but towards of the end of a horrific pg and in those dreadful newborn weeks i could have cheerfully left him out for the foxes wink

Go easy on yourself and your relationship, you're 9 months pg with a toddler. Anyone who tells you you shouldn't be worried is a liar or of questionable intelligence.

Kelsoooo Fri 12-Apr-19 13:19:15

Are baby's movements ok?

You sound overwhelmed and exhausted, are you sleeping ok?

Hedgehogblues Fri 12-Apr-19 13:19:49

Honesty I felt just like this at 38 weeks. I was crying to my partner about how I thought I really didn't want her. She's three weeks old now and I love her more than life itself

ittakes2 Fri 12-Apr-19 13:20:24

Understandably stress I think.
We spent years with infertility, had expensive and invasive fertility/IVF treatment. As soon as I got pregnant you would have thought I would have stayed elated - nope - also decided I didn’t want to be pregnant. I went to a specialist who explained its natural to want to get rid of whatever is causing you stress. And yes it passed.
I’m sorry you are going through this - hopefully others will come online to help reassure you too. But I also think you need to go to the doctor to get some support - you have a lot on your plate at the moment.
Also - I wonder if your relationship has become more like friends because you have understandably never trusted him again to want to get close to him both physically and emotionally again.

outpinked Fri 12-Apr-19 13:22:02

Many people feel this way during pregnancy, especially towards the end. It’s an overwhelming time even when the pregnancy was planned and you already have a toddler to contend with so it’s doubly overwhelming! Don’t be so hard on yourself, you’re probably panicking about being a Mother of two which is perfectly normal.

Ivamisake Fri 12-Apr-19 13:27:21

Thank you all for replying, and for not telling me I'm a terrible person.

I've been in tears today because I feel so guilty that the thought of not wanting her even crossed my mind. I've been waking several times in the night lately so the broken sleep is probably making me extra crabby and hormonal. I think I'm scared of getting PND again and that's making me anxious.

Babies movements are fortunately absolutely fine and she's as active as she's ever been.

I don't remember feeling this sense of despair before our toddler was born. It's blooming awful isn't it.

MatildaTheCat Fri 12-Apr-19 13:28:18

Please, please confide in your midwife. This isn’t uncommon but it’s very distressing and you need additional support. Also tell your HV especially given your previous PND.

Do you have any RL support? Nobody will judge you.

Gently hugs, this is an awful feeling but it will get better.

GummyGoddess Fri 12-Apr-19 13:38:28

I felt the same about much wanted and planned dc1. I suddenly felt I'd made a terrible mistake and changed my mind. That lasted a while but he is totally adored now.

Oddly with dc2 who was not planned and may be the catalyst for divorce, I never felt that way. He is equally as adored as his brother and I didn't have a last minute wobble.

Ivamisake Fri 12-Apr-19 13:39:44

I do have a degree of RL support and people i could speak to, although I don't think they'd be able to understand per say.

I'm due to see my midwife on Monday so will definitely open up to her about how i feel. I'm hoping I'll have woken up by then and snapped out of it, it really has just come out of nowhere.

I was up at 6 this morning sat on the sofa thinking to myself that if it gets too much with the new baby i can just take my toddler and leave her with dad for a few weeks whilst i get my head together.

That is such a horrible thought to be having and it's not like me. I'm disgusted. I don't actually think I would do it, more so trying to reassure myself that I'm not trapped if you know what I mean.


Bluntness100 Fri 12-Apr-19 13:42:10

Op, speak to your doctor or midwife. I suspect you may be suffering from prenatal depression,

gemwhitt Fri 12-Apr-19 13:45:48

I feel exactly the same as you. Thank god it's not just me! I'm thinking it must be a normal, hormonal issue.
We tried for two years to get pregnant and I was sure having a baby would give me purpose and contentment. I'm now 35weeks along and starting to wish for my old life (and body) back.
I'm hoping, as other women have posted here, that after the baby is born, all negative feelings will just be replaced with love.
From what I understand, postnatal depression is not something you have much control over getting. You can be the sanest, happiest person in the world and still get it.
Just know that bad times pass, it will only be temporary, and help is out there for this kind of thing. I heard yesterday that the government is investing an extra £50 million into post natal mental health services. So it's clearly a very big issue that they are taking very seriously.

Ivamisake Fri 12-Apr-19 13:51:24

I'm sorry others can relate, but reassured that I too am not alone.

I never sought help for my PND after DS. I muddled through and eventually the clouds lifted but it took a very long time and alot of me pushing myself. The gym, exercise, getting out and staying active helped me no end but I've got SPD in this pregnancy so I've been more immobile and had more time to sit around ruminating which certainly hasn't helped.

I've promised myself not to ignore my symptoms if they develop this time around and will seek help. I'm clinging on to the hope that what I'm feeling right now is completely normal for some women and not the onset of depression coming back.

I've told my other half how I feel and he's encouraging me to relax, have a bit of a pamper and leave the childcare to him for the next couple of days (he's on AL fortunately)

Hormones are a bitch aren't they.

MitziK Fri 12-Apr-19 13:54:04

You hadn't experienced PND before your eldest was born - now you know what's like, you're worrying about it. And the waiting of the last couple of weeks, when you're at your largest, it's been a crappy winter and you didn't intend to have a second child in the first place when you were only just recovering from your PND, has to be one of the most difficult things for a Mum to go through. Even your feelings towards your DP might be a symptom of depression/hormones and not the end of your relationship - but if it is, make your decisions when you know you're on a level kilter emotionally, not now when it's all up in the air. I know DP adores me, but give me PMT - I use 'T' because it's not every month and coincides with particularly stressful times for other reasons - and in my head, he's an arsehole/is going to leave me/it's all so fucking hopeless - until I go to the loo, find I've come on and the 3am misery disappears again for another month or two.

Talk to your midwife, put as much help and support in place as possible now, plan to look after yourself immediately, including setting aside time for not 'doing anything' (which could mean a guaranteed hour to have a bath, sleep, lie on the bed doing nothing, whatever it is that you need) and I think you'll be able to not be quite so worried - taking into account that worrying is perfectly natural, we aren't all happy and excited all the time, whatever the media likes to tell us we 'should' feel.

After all, if you've had PND once, you're going to notice the symptoms more quickly, so you can get treatment before it takes over - you're wise to it, rather than getting blindsided by it when it happens.

You will be alright. In a short time, you will welcome your beautiful baby girl to the world and it will be hard. But, with the right support, plans and actions to look after yourself, whatever the future brings, you will be OK and your little girl will be loved, whether you feel it instantly or it takes a little time.


Ragnarthe Fri 12-Apr-19 14:00:57

It's not inevitable that you will suffer with PND a second time OP. I had it with my first but not with the second. Even though I was convinced I would.
Now you know the symptoms and the self care things that helped you will nip it in the bud if it rears it's head again by seeking help and prioritising your MH.
You don't sound like a horrible person, you sound like you are very stressed and worried.
Talk to your midwife about how you are feeling and they will keep an eye on you and might be able to give you some reassurance.
It will be ok, you are stronger than you think and you need to lean on your support.

Tweety1981 Fri 12-Apr-19 14:04:28

This is normal . To feel daunted especially towards the end . Not knowing how things will work out etc .

Don’t be critical of yourself just be kind to yourself and keep doing comfortable things you like and enjoy .

Ivamisake Fri 12-Apr-19 14:18:49

I'm having a mid afternoon bubble bath, lighting some wax melts and painting my nails. A few little things to make me feel more 'me' and less like a hormonal beached whale blush

I really appreciate the kindness here.

When I posted I was anticipating being told how ungrateful I was to be feeling now I am, i thought that being told I'm being terrible would give me a kick up the arse that I needed to snap out of it.

It was actually the opposite I needed to hear, which I have, so thank you x

TraceyLP Fri 12-Apr-19 14:20:02

Hi OP,
(Just in case you don’t immediately feel the rush of love when your baby is born) I found having my second very different whereas having my first I was madly in love with him before he was born. With my second he was “a baby” and I have fallen in love with him over time until now I think he is ace and wonderful but he is now 15 months and my feelings have grown as I have got to know him and bonded with him. Go with the flow and take it one day at a time x

Ivamisake Fri 12-Apr-19 14:25:39

I didn't feel the overwhelming rush of love when DS was born, it surprised me because everybody kept saying how I would. I bonded with him over time but didn't feel that "I'm obsessed with you and love you so much!" Feeling until he was a bit older. I'm totally smitten with him now and he lights up my world, so I'll remind myself of this if I struggle during the early days with DD.

I'd love to get that initial surge of love with her when she arrives but will try not to be disappointed if it doesn't happen, especially given my recent wobbles.

chillpizza Fri 12-Apr-19 14:29:40

I spent most of my last pregnancy thinking what the hell am I doing having another and that I was messing with some bad karma having three children. But once she was born it was all fine, I’m generally a pessimist anyway.

MissPollyHadADolly19 Fri 12-Apr-19 14:32:06

Can totally relate! I'm not as far into my pregnancy (only half way) as you OP but I've got one DD with a previous partner, have a good relationship with my DH, we have a nice life and this baby was a surprise but very much wanted yet I still get overly emotional that I wish I hadn't of got pregnant, there is no rhyme or reason for it at all. I also had terrible PND last time so I understand the fear of it againsad I think it might be normal but I've asked my MW to be referred to the peri-natal mental health team as a precaution, is that something you think may benefit yourself?
Don't worry too much OP, you're not a terrible personflowers

SinjunRivers Fri 12-Apr-19 20:12:38

I didn't feel a rush of love the first time.
I did with the second.
Good luck and I'm glad you had a nice relaxing afternoon.

iolaus Fri 12-Apr-19 20:21:45

antenatal depression is a real thing

It may be worth asking if your area has a perinatal mental health team

However it may also just be a blip, I think many people when pregnant (more so with a surprise baby) have a 'what have I done' moment and wonder if it's the right thing and if they want their life to change from what it was and to be scared of the future

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