AIBU to keep this boundary with PTSD boyfriend?

[ClearSky40]

To cut a long story short, he announced at short notice that he had to go to his other home (think Ireland/Scotland) to do some house stuff for a few days & invited me to go up next week.

I said I would think about it, as I don’t want to just drop everything whenever he feels like taking off. It wasn’t clear how long he would go for, but it sounded like about a week.

Today he hinted at staying longer - or at least at wanting the chance to stay longer, I don’t know how long but it must be less than a month.

It’s really important to my own well-being that I’m not picked up & dropped whenever it suits any man (history of neglect & cPTSD myself). I suggested I go up once he decides how long he will stay, so we can do the 10 hour drive back down together. Has added perk of splitting the driving.

He said he will think about it.

Am I right to keep this boundary? I know PTSD can make people appear selfish & I know he doesn’t always mean to act without consideration - in this case, I guess he has considered me. I just feel cruel for not leaping on the next flight ASAP...

[Waytooearly]

As far as I understand, PTSD does make it difficult for someone to hold on to a life narrative and plan. So they are often flighty and lastminute.com.

Randomly travelling at the drop of a hat would have huge implications for your life, I suppose? In terms of getting off work etc?

If you would genuinely like to go with him, just say, 'I could go for x days as long as I have x notice.'

If he grizzles about that then he's being a manipulative jerk.

[Clearsky40]

Thanks Way I guess that’s what I was trying to work out - is he being controlling/manipulative? Hmm I think not then.

I’m not working right now, so there are not quite the implications there might have been to go off next week. Not this week cos I have my kids, although he did invite us all but they have plans of their own.

Yes, last-minute and lack of narrative describes him well. He has been through a lot, not surprising. He is there now and says he misses me, which I believe.

Hmm maybe I should just go there & be clear about return. Ahh so difficult to know but maybe I’m overthinking. I just don’t want to feel rubbish about myself.

[Blondebakingmumma]

Why don’t you decide how long you want go to go for. Tell him how long you will be staying and share the rd rice up and come back when you are ready that way you are still in control

[Blondebakingmumma]

*Share the drive up

[GreenEggsHamandChips]

Does it suit you to go? Would you have fun going?

I think your overthinking it

[hazell42]

I think you are right to have reservations. If he wants to go, fine. But it is never a good idea to let your partner think that you are always prepared to work around them and their desires . Particularly when they are being deliberately vague about their intentions.
Trust your instincts.

[alliejay81]

Hmmm, I wonder if your previous experiences are clouding your view of this? Written down it all sounds pretty reasonable, but only you know if there is a wider context.


On first reading, assuming you don't have joint responsibilities, it's fine that he wants to be at his house. It's fine that he doesn't have a specific end date. He's asked you to visit, so he's not dropping you.

Frustrating for you, but not controlling, unless set against a wider background of controlling behaviour. How does he usually behave?

[Clearsky40]

Thanks for further replies. I've been thinking about this a lot today...

Blondebakingmumma He is already up there. He left when I got my kids back, which is fair enough. I suggested we come back down together but he was vague and said he might like to stay, although he is planning it now like we will drive down together and he will go up again at a later date.

I guess the problem is that he can up and take off whenever it suits him, without consideration for me. It will be expensive now for me to go up alone, not to mention time consuming.

GreenEggsHamandChips
Does it suit you to go? Would you have fun going?
I would have fun and I miss him badly - as he says he does me - but it doesn't suit me costwise, and it's a long way to go, boring by myself. Maybe I am overthinking it but I feel a tiny bit resentful that he didn't consider this. I suppose PTSD does make people selfish, in a self-reliance sort of way...

Hazell and alliejay81 Yes, my instincts are telling me something.
I think it is that he is acting selfishly. Vague and making me think that I should make great moves if I want to be with him. I know he loves it in his home there and I do, too, but he could have waited a tiny bit longer for us to be there together, at little cost to him.

I am not meaning financial cost, also time and energy. Yeah, I guess there's a bit of a wider context... Does he really have this little self-insight?

You ask how he usually behaves. He sometimes comes across as controlling. He drove the speed of the relationship and I slowed him down. He sometimes acts like he has the right to choose his way, with no plans or considerations for others. On this occasion, I want him to feel the consequences of his choices: in this case, that if he chooses to take off whenever it suits him, I won't just drop everything to be with him unless it suits me, too. He can't dictate what I do.

Gosh, this is getting deep. I have father issues and can see myself repeating those feelings. Maybe it is more about me than him!