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AIBU?

To think this concept must have a name?

14 replies

FreeWifeEye · 09/04/2019 22:30

Someone who is delightful and charming but it's a facade and is really a vile abusive bully.....and a perceptive person in the same circle, whether family or workplace, realises the truth and the bully knows they've been clocked so then sets out to intimidate the 'realiser' in an insidious and covert fashion. But no one believes the realiser.

OP posts:

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MitziK · 09/04/2019 22:32

Office politics.

Time to update your CV.

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Troels · 09/04/2019 22:47

Two faced cow.

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Aerop · 09/04/2019 22:53

My sil!

It's soooo frustrating and you end up like you're the "baddie" in the whole thing. Totally messes with your head!

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pepsirolla · 09/04/2019 23:55

Sounds like a Cassandra situation. She had the gift of seeing the future and knowing the truth but the curse that no one believed her
en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cassandra

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BadPennyNoBiscuit · 09/04/2019 23:58

Covert bullying is also called 'under the radar bullying', this situation is really common and there should be a name for it.

I was the 'perceptive' person in this scenario and ended up being Wendied by the bully. They left the city and have recently returned to be welcomed with open arms

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DentonsFringe · 10/04/2019 00:08

Machiavellian?

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IShouldGoToBed · 10/04/2019 00:14

Sorry, don't know if it has a name, but I was the victim of one such bully about 15 years ago. Horrible horrible situation and still struggle.with confidence as a result :(

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EmeraldEmma · 10/04/2019 05:14

I read quite a bit on this subject when I was being bullied by the same type of person you describe. I would agree with the above poster that Machiavellian fits.

The harder you try to convince people the worse YOU will look because they are so bloody good at hiding it - which just goes to show that they know exactly what they are doing - and people would sooner believe that you must be "mistaken" than believe that someone they think they know so well is actually a vile, covert bully.

If at all possible, keep away from them, they are nutcases. If you can't avoid them then don't react when they strike, it pushes them to try even harder next time and that is what will out them in the end and you won't have to convince anyone.

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Putthatlampshadeonyourhead · 10/04/2019 05:40

A twat?

Honestly, the best you can do is let them unravel themseleves.

I had one of these in my family. I remained very neutral. Didnt rise to it. Remained friendly but also didnt allow myself to be intimidated. Never engage in difficult conversations alone with that person. One conversation went like this. For context she was sahm and I was working mum. She had previously said women who work shouldnt be allowed to have kids. She is very good at putting a very nasty comment forward as 'but that's just my opinion and it doesnt mean anything really in the scheme of things'

HER 'so many of DHS friends cant believe I am not going back to work. They make me feel so ashamed of myself'

ME "oh"

HER "why should I be judged for doing what everyone knows is best for children. Putthelampshade, dont you agree?"

At this point I know she wants me to enter the wohm vs sahm debate. I wasnt going to.

ME "dont worry about it, people will judge you whatever you do. People judge wohm, people judge sahm. Best to remember that most people are just doing what they think is best for their whole family. You and your dh made the choice that was best for your family. Dont let others make you feel bad about it"

Then talked to others in the room. As others knew what she said about wohm before, these conversations shone a light on her. Other people started realising she was trying to goad me into a debate as an excuse to air her views again.

It didnt take long and now everyone else has picked up on it. If I had risen to it and said something like 'well you judge wohm, so you reap what you sow'. She would have played the sad victim again.

It's a long game and its shit. But sometimes theres no avoiding it. My other choice was to avoid all family gatherings, which I wasnt going to do.