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Being 2nd fiddle to partners kids activities

(77 Posts)
Catg76 Sun 07-Apr-19 14:58:50

Just looking for others opinions as maybe I'm being demanding or unreasonable? My boyfriend of 8 years (we do not live together BTW). Sees his teenage kids a week night every week and a Fri sat and Sun night every other week, plus any extra nights they ever ask to stay, now my issue atm is I just feel Like I don't know where I fit in anymore, I've always had the view of kids come first as mine do with me but he seems to do more that the average absent dad which in some ways is good, good dad I guess and nice for his kids but atm seems like he never has any time to me to spend with me, he ends up working list Saturdays and every Sunday takes his son to football even though originally when it was agreed his ex would do it every other week, this never happened, he ended up volunteering to coach the football too so even though yes I expect kids come first if they need him but I feeling really pissed off lately that he chooses to go to football training every wed and matches Sunday meani g we never get to go out for day or do anything, but I'm made to reel like the bad guy cos they're his kids and hmax he said today hell spend as much tme with them as he can. He's due to work away all next week, this was our weekend without his kids but as his dad was visiting abroad and staying with him his daughter stayed fri and sat, I said you don't have kids tonight do you (Sunday) as not his weekend and his dad has gone, he said yes his daughter wants to stay as she won't see him in her week night as he's working away (she's 13). It annoyed me as she'd already stayed two extra nights, where as I now won't seem him for over a week, am I being unreasonable to want to be a, priority sometimes, or expect him to make alternative arrangements for football every other week he doesn't have his kids?

Catg76 Sun 07-Apr-19 17:15:48

For the person wanting to know a back story, we've been together 8 yrs, we did break up for a few months in that time because he cheated, and another time was very deceitful, we have worked hard and trying to make it work but as I'm sure you can imagine it's tough,

Catg76 Sun 07-Apr-19 17:14:11

If he'd had his daughter tonight I wouldn't have seen him as I have my kids too.
My eldest daughter has been out all day with her boyfriend and I would've suggested going out me him. My other child and his daughter if she was there with him for day,

Catg76 Sun 07-Apr-19 17:12:24

His son has said he's not fussed about doing the football anymore, my partner said he'd carry on coaching even if his son gives it up

SandyY2K Sun 07-Apr-19 17:09:07

You feel how you do and that's fine, but it means you're not compatible.

He is happy coaching and he's happy to have his kids over on extra nights as they wish.

If it doesn't work for you, you have a choice to end it.

I think he's a very involved father and more should be like him.

Catg76 Sun 07-Apr-19 17:08:48

The football even goes on in holidays. I stay with them when my kids are with their dad so every Tues and Fri I see his kids, we all get on pretty good most of the time, we'd like to love together but just do it financially at this point because of the size house we would need, plus don't thin either of our children would've happy living with eachother sharing rooms etc so for now we've stayed as it is with the long term goal of when the kids are older we could then live together. His son specifically asked him Not to go to football today as he'd had a big fall out with him. If ever he does suggest doing something I call in favours for my kids to be collected from. School or dropped to their hobby so we get a bit of quality time so feels bit one sided. Tbh I think it boils down do the fact he likes and wants to go to football which is fair enough but be nice if sometimes we could do something with or without all the kids I don't mind either way. And no I don't expect him to forgo spending time with his kids. To spend time with mine!! And I know and expect to come after his children in the pecking line and FYI on the person saying I'm selfish and what not, it was me messaging his son offering he could stay at my house if he didn't want to stay at his dad's as his dad lost his rag with him and he was scared he'd hit him! I've always said to his kids anytime or any problems they can always talk to me etc so it's not about that it's about my partner neglecting our relationship,

IncrediblySadToo Sun 07-Apr-19 17:04:06

So what would you have done with your kids if you were going to his tonight?

lyralalala Sun 07-Apr-19 16:58:49

I just feel he's putting coaching football before our relationship and things are really unbalanced

He's not coaching a kids football team because it's a lifelong ambition. His kid wants to play football and those kinds of activities are often crying out for parent volunteers.

So he's not putting football coaching before you, he's doing something his child really wants to do.

Purpleartichoke Sun 07-Apr-19 16:53:37

He is being an active parent. Coaching his kids team is not extraordinary. Having his kids with him every chance he gets is the mark of a good parent. I wouldn’t want to date someone who wasn’t putting his kids first, but not everyone is like me.

Catg76 Sun 07-Apr-19 16:53:28

And by absent dad I mean someone who isn't still with their kids mother. I like the fact he's a good dad I wish my kids father was more like it, I just fee like I not considered in any plans and with both of us having kids and living separately it takes but more thought and consideration which I do but don't feel he does

Catg76 Sun 07-Apr-19 16:47:50

I do see him with her a kids there if mine are with there dad, but a lit if the time we bith have our own kids at our houses and neither has a big enough house to accommodate all of us and teens bring teens rather often don't want to stay at the others house. I just feel he's putting coaching football before our relationship and things are really unbalanced

Figure8 Sun 07-Apr-19 16:30:47

Definitely need more of the backstory.

Why, after 8 years do you not spend time when his kids are there?
Is it because you have children, and he needs to come to you when he's free?

Are you frustrated with your own lack of freedom?

Of course you should be A priority, but not the only one.

MinisterforCheekyFuckery Sun 07-Apr-19 16:30:41

What do you want him to do, tell his 13 year old daughter that she can't stay an extra night with him because he wants to see his girlfriend instead? Imagine how rejected she would feel!

Do you get on with his DC? Could you offer to go with him to support his DS at one of his football matches or suggest a day out altogether? If after 8 years together you haven't made any effort to get to know his DC then it's not your DH's fault if you're feeling pushed out.

Wannabeyorkshirelass Sun 07-Apr-19 16:28:40

But would you like him better if he dropped time with his kids to be with you? I wouldn't like a man who did that.

Youseethethingis Sun 07-Apr-19 16:28:25

It’s not unreasonable to want to come first sometimes. Relationships of all kinds need a bit of nurturing or they will die - I think that’s as true of the 2.4 kids “nuclear” family as any other set up, although, as a PP said, you not living together and being able to stay connected in smaller day to day moments is probably making you feel worse.
Only you can know if he’s just not invested in the relationship enough to want to spend a bit of time together sometimes, or indeed if you are able or willing to wait it out until his kids are older.

Crossfitgirl Sun 07-Apr-19 16:21:34

I don't think it's unreasonable to set aside some time to spend as a couple every now and again.

Yes I agree that kids come first and yes he does sound like a great dad, and yes, doing things with him AND the kids should be a part of your regular activities.

However, everyone needs quality time together sometimes. Can't he agree on a date night every so often where its just the 2 of you? I don't think that's unreasonable. I think that's important in any relationship x

Purplejay Sun 07-Apr-19 16:21:29

YABU.

There must be times you can see him. Evenings in the week? After football?

Do you never do things all together?

He sounds great and you sound a bit needy tbh. His kids should come first. It is not ok you were annoyed his daughter wanted to (and was allowed) to stay when she missed out on doing so earlier on in the week because of his work. Jeez.

Petalflowers Sun 07-Apr-19 16:20:37

You’ve been together eight years, so by now, you should be spending time as a family. Why don’t you do things altogether? Not necessarily the football coaching, but afterwards or midweek.

You can’t ask him to choose between the kids and you - the kids will always win out, but you can ask to be part of his life. Why does his daughter coming over stop you coming over as well?

Shinyletsbebadguys Sun 07-Apr-19 16:19:08

I think the key here is that this isn't really about him being a non resident parent....families with two parents together find this at times. There are periods of time where the amount of activities and commitment mean they take up all the spare time.

He's doing his bit and in the nicest sense being the full resident parent can be beyond exhausting. All the stuff like school and weekday stuff is hard going...even my Exdh says he has no idea how we do it on the treadmill so if the least he can do is cover the Sunday football we very week I think that's admirable

Ultimately at a certain age kids take up every spare minute ....it waxes and want a but if you can't accept it then yes sorry yabu selfish

JaneEyre07 Sun 07-Apr-19 16:15:42

He sounds an amazing dad, which is something to consider if you see children in your future.

Don't resent him for this, it's part and part of dating someone with existing children. If it's not for you though, move on. No shame in saying you want more.... but you'd be massively unreasonable to dump that on him and expect him to change flowers

FifisLovelyApron Sun 07-Apr-19 16:13:25

Is he even "great" really? He sounds like he's being a standard parent. It's a shame there are so many utterly shit fathers that someone seeing their child outside of their scheduled days is seen as amazing.

However you should not expect him to prioritize you over them, just as he shouldn't expect that of you. Maybe over time you can all see each other together. But if you are going to be jealous it's best you walk away.

MNSDKHheroines Sun 07-Apr-19 16:01:49

I think it's because your still in a dating relationship rather than living together when you would get those spontaneous bits of time to chat. I feel your boyfriend is being a good dad. What you describe is life with active teens and he's doing all he can to stay relevant in their lives.There is no football if parents etc don't get involved! We 're married & due to DS's sport for the last two weekends we've not been in the same county as DH.

Ragwort Sun 07-Apr-19 15:54:51

He sounds great, you sound rather needy, being ‘annoyed’ because your boyfriend’s DD stayed with her own Dad for a couple of nights hmm.

NabooThatsWho Sun 07-Apr-19 15:54:32

You sound a bit selfish, sorry. If you aren’t happy in the relationship then end it (not that it sounds like it would make much difference as you don’t live together or see much of him).
But don’t ask him to see less of his children or be ‘annoyed’ that his daughter wants to see him an extra night, that’s just wrong.

Coffeeandcrumpets Sun 07-Apr-19 15:50:27

He sounds like an amazing dad. My husband coaches my sons football team and I we also work a lot over the weekend. It is true that we hardly ever get any couple time. However, we have amazing family time and do lots as a group. maybe you need to accept his kids will be a big part of his life. We hear so much about dads not being involved and having no bond with their kids. He sounds like a breath of fresh air.

NorthEndGal Sun 07-Apr-19 15:45:30

Is there a reason you can't be there too?

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