To find this is very insulting(80 Posts)
I invited my mum to our house for Mother's Day as well as DHs mum.My mum said she'll come but doesn't want dinner even thought she will be here. This is a common pattern every time she comes out she never eats anything I cook. If she stays overnight she'll just have a bowl of cereal and if I make a fry/eggs she won't touch it or else she tells me to sit down and cooks it herself. The last time she was out I was after cooking a roast chicken and she didn't want that yet the next time I went to have lunch in hers she made a roast chicken. As far as I know I haven't poisoned anyone yet and we have people over for dinner a lot plus I've 3 kids. AIBU to find this insulting? If I was cooking steak I'd always ask how someone would like it cooked and if someone left something on the plate they didn't like it wouldn't bother me.
When I divorced and had the kids at my DD and DSM I cooked everything for me and the kids; my DSM is an awful cook and her idea of a nutritious meal would be turkey twizzlers and microchips, or an undercooked frozen pizza.
It just wasn't worth the hassle of "insulting" her by not eating what she had prepared, and the lengths I had to go to that meant we missed her meals, or had already eaten were ridiculous.
We both meant well, both wanted the best for the kids, I didn't have much money, but I wish I had had a big chat about it rather than try and hide it all for fear of offending someone.
It might have made it worse though, they were massively kind in helping me get back on my feet and having somewhere to put a roof over the kids heads and a kitchen to cook in, so on balance I would probably do it again.
You can usually be a bit more direct with your own Mum though, and you’d know a lot more about her background and historic behaviour to perhaps get to the root of the issue. Plus whether she’s always been like this.
Blimey you really do.learn something new every day on here. I can understand not wanting to eat.i someone's house if it is really filthy but refusing to eat anything anyone else had cooked ever is a new one on me.
You live and learn
Thanks Jessie. That doesn't really change anything whatsoever though!
Some people are just like that, they don't mean to be insulting but it wouldn't hurt to mention to her that you find it hurtful and to ask her why.
I had a cousin who would only eat what she cooked herself; her eldest moved away to the Scottish borders and when she went to visit she'd go to the shop every day and buy her own food! Odd.
She's either got some sort of phobia about other people's kitchens (I can see that a person with this phobia would be OK about eating in a commercial food place because they are licenced and inspected and all that) or she's an attention-seeking, spiteful twat. You know her, OP, which explanation do you think is more likely?
Blimey I'll eat pretty much anything put in front of me made by anyone.
My mam doesn't LIKE food other people have cooked for her, but she'll eat it because they've made the effort and she'll compliment or thank them for it. It's an anxiety thing with her. Shes a fantastic cook but worries she'll accidentally poison someone. Occasionally I or a sibling will cook something and leave it on the side and she'll taste it and like it and ask if she can have it but I think when someone cooks for her she is anxious about them watching for her response and feeling like they're watching her eat.
Actually I can relate to quite a bit of this myself. Food is an anxiety trigger for some people, including me.
It’s just plain rude. Sounds like she needs to be in charge and can’t accept you as a competent adult as that leaves her without a role. Have you talked to her about how this makes you feel?
You need to ask her. She's making it all about her and being weird.
Does she have an ED?
Is she attention seeking?
What's she like the rest of the time?
Will she just sit there while everyone else eats??
I've a friend who would never eat at her relatives homes although she will cross her fingers and eat in restaurants. Nobody meets her standards and I never invite her to my house as I know it would make her uncomfortable. It's a bit OCD but no point in taking it personally.
"she knew because it wasn't up to his usual standard but didn't want to hurt his feelings."
Well that doesn't even make sense because if she knew that he hadn't cooked it, how would it be hurting his feelings??
I agree for your mum to not be there for the meal, Op if she makes others feel awkward.
Leave her alone, stop offering. She's obviously got an issue of some kind that may well sound irrational if explained. Stop taking it personally.
It’s her Mum not her MIL who does this Armadillo.
I would take the attitude it's not you, it's her. You can't change her so you need to change your own attitude and let it wash over you and not bother you. It's anxiety or control of some sort.
I would stop inviting her for dinner, and save yourself the hassle. Ask her to pop in for drinks or coffee, put some crisps in a bowl. Job done.
I do think it is rude and insulting, but I would not take it personally. Simply adjust your behaviour accordingly.
See her for an hour, and then you and your family go to your most favourite restaurant and she can go home.
Don’t make it into a big deal op. It makes her visits very easy for you going forward.
I fully understand why you would find these hurtful OP. If 5he cause is some form of anxiety your MIL should be kind and explain. Anxiety and other mental health issues are not a Carte Blanche to trample on other people's feelings. If course she has a right not to explain it she she wishes, but that would be a selfish choice when she is causing upset.
My mum does this
She has always been very proud of her cooking ( she is very good) and struggles to try mine, I think it is a power thing
Sounds like if she eats at yours and it tastes good, then she it's as if you have won. Sounds like a relative. Very competitive and something stupid as this means that she isn't the one oohed and aahd over. The reason she eats at restaurants perfectly fine is that there isnt any competition there.
My own DM is like this - although she does eat food I cook but not my aunt's or brother's. I think it a cleanliness thing - so I suppose I should be happy she is willing to eat my food.
Just say it makes you feel bad, if it does
Has she been like this since you left home, or is it a recent thing? I’m thinking dementia possibly?
Just don't invite her for a meal then. She can come after lunch instead. TBH she sounds very difficult if you feel that you can't even ask her why she won't eat at your house. I like the idea from a pp that you get one of your children to ask her why.
I've had to stop reading this thread- I could get obsessive like this if I thought too much!
I’m a bit like this sometimes, if I’m already feeling anxious about something else, I’ve got a very sensitive stomach and I worry about gettting food poisoning. It’s especially bad if I don’t think the persons house is clean, if they’ve got pets or if they wash their dishes by hand.
Some people think their houses are really clean, but actually you don’t always notice the dirt when it builds up every day. I’ve got a friend who tells me she spends hours cleaning everyday, but there’s always a lot of dust in her kitchen and the cupboard doors are sticky.
My ex had a mother like this. To make things worse, she also brought her own cutlery and plates and little crappy bits of food like crisps and scotch eggs. I thought she had an eating disorder or control issues....years into the relationship I found out his sister had been hospitalised a few times for anorexia.
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