To message him

[coddersrodders]

I'm in my 30's, a few years ago I was cut out of the family by DM who is a narcissist. This all came about because I read the toxic parents book and decided to stand up for myself once and for all. I refused to be abused any longer by my DM And as a result I was cut off. I'm not the first member of the family to be cut out by her and I won't be the last I'm sure.

Anyway, I miss my step dad a lot and lately I've been thinking about sending him a message. I know when I was kicked out of the family he told me that he was in an awkward position and had to 'be on my mums side to keep the peace at home' so he couldn't speak to me.

I know about the enabler but I also know DSF is quite far under DM's thumb aswell.

Either way, I want to tell him that I still love and miss him but I don't know if IABU as it will likely just result in a nasty reply from DM who will tell me DSF hates me after what I did to her blah blah blah. I don't care what she thinks or says about me but I don't want to cause him any pain or problems but at the same time I don't want him to think I don't care about him

[MummyStruggles]

What would you be hoping for if you did contact him? Do you think he would be "able" to offer you a relationship without your DM's knowledge and if not, would this just not hurt you even further?

[PlainSpeakingStraightTalking]

Your SFs loyalty is to his spouse, whether he agrees with her or not. I certainly wouldn’t contact him unless you are looking for a mediator to re-establish relationship with your mother

If your mother doesn’t have your address or any way of contacting you, then by all means, send him a ‘thinking of you card’. But I really wouldn’t bother if it’s going to open up a torrent of abuse.

What your post does indicate, to me, is that actually you aren’t happy having cut ties

[coddersrodders]

@MummyStruggles I guess nothing would come of it because I don't see him ever going behind her back for me. I wonder if I was his 'real' DD whether that would be the case or not. I was really close to him before everything kicked off and losing my mum didn't really hurt me but losing my DB and DSF did... now I'm in contact with DB as he's older now, behind both their backs, we all meet up for family occasions with our other DB and it's just DM & DSF who don't know anything about it.

I think In her mind it would be seen as me trying to stick the knife in her but it's really not my intention.

[Hollowvictory]

No it's a bad idea

[coddersrodders]

@PlainSpeakingStraightTalking yeah you're right, I'm not happy cutting ties with SF but like you say, his loyalty is with her. Like I said I wonder if I was his actual DD whether it would be a different scenario.

I know my DM relationship with my DB is currently strained and so time will tell whether being a biological child to SF makes a difference... I'm the 4th 'child' to be ousted so my DB is the last man standing so to speak ;) and he is their only shared child.

[HarrysOwl]

I've been in a similar (ish) situation and I feel for you OP

This may not be what you want to hear, but I would lean towards not sending a message to him. As sad as that feels, I think it may result in more pain.

The best thing personally for me, was to focus on the positive, healthy relationships in my life.

Let go of the toxic, complicated ones. You may find he contacts you, or the situation changes somehow in the future. No contact now doesn't mean no contact ever.

Have you sought counselling for your family issues? If not, I'd really recommend it.

Good luck.

[coddersrodders]

Yeah it probably is a terrible idea.

@HarrysOwl I have had counselling and it really helped me to get over being cut out of the family. I learned from it that it wasn't her I was sad about losing, it was the other relationships that were lost with it... I waited a few years until my DB was old enough and now we have a great relationship. I was always close to him growing up as we had a huge age gap. I think there was a lot of jealousy towards that relationship from DM tbh

[TopEndChops]

Well I'm going to go against the grain here but I may be coming from a skewed perspective as I lost my partner 3 weeks ago.
How can it be a bad thing to tell people that we love them, that they've made a positive impact on our lives and that while we understand things are the way they are you just wanted him to know that he meant something to you.
You can say you're not trying to build bridges and you are not looking for further contact, you just wanted him to know.
I've seen first hand what this information can give to people, though like I say, my situation is quite different to yours.

[Spiritinabody]

"You can say you're not trying to build bridges and you are not looking for further contact, you just wanted him to know."

I agree that it wouldn't hurt to contact him just to tell him you love and miss him.

My SIL was told she was terminally ill yesterday and has about 6 weeks to live. If your SF was given that news would you want to get in touch with him? You never know what's around the corner.

[coddersrodders]

@Spiritinabody @TopEndChops thank you both so much! I'm so sorry to hear what you're both going through. Life really is too short! Sending you both