AIBU to follow my heart?

[PlainJane89]

I have been friends with this guy for just over 15 years, we went to college together and have had regular contact with one another on a weekly if not daily basis for the past 15 years. It's always been platonic, a few flirty drunken messages but nothing substantial to mention over this amount of time. We are the best of friends, he's even referred to me like a sister(!) at times to other friends.

He has just turned round after all this time and told me that he loves me and wants to be with me and sees himself spending the rest of his life with me. He lost a close family member just before Christmas and apparently this has put a lot of things into perspective. Of course I'm over the moon and smitten. If I'm honest I've loved him from the moment I met him but have never had the opportunity to tell him or had fear of being rejected.

But there are a couple of problems I can't get past:

First of all he's mildly famous. He is one of the lesser know band members, but it's more his band that is very well known and they have a flock of fans. Now he's warned me if we go public there is a chance I will get some hate on social media. If it was just about me i wouldn't really care, I have a thick skin. The problem is I have a 2 year old with my ex and I don't feel comfortable with them being in the limelight or being targeted by trolls.

I am a private person and like keeping myself to myself, and I'm not sure I'm ready to be known by their fans and be picked to pieces yet. However if I am going to enter this relationship then obviously I will go and see him perform and be seen out with him and the other members of the band. He's ready to take the leap but again my sons safety keeps coming into my head.

He said he wants both my son and I in his life and he loves us both. They see each other often anyways due to our friendship so it's not going to change too much. It's when he goes on long tours it's hard for my son and I not seeing him. The longest was 15 months when he toured Europe and I only saw him the once.

Again if it was just me it wouldn't be a problem I can hop on a flight or stay a few nights with him. I can't see myself bringing my son into that world however and it's hardly rock and roll trying to look after a toddler whilst they all hang out. Again my son comes first so I would never dream of putting him in a situation like that in the first place. I'm just saying, would I ever get to see him?

Finally how the hell can I compare to these girls he's been with and those that drool all over them each and every day? We haven't even been intimate yet and I'm not sure I want to show him my mum bod. Some of his other band members are dating bloody models I'm going to stick out like a sore thumb.

Has anyone here ever dated someone or even married someone in the music industry or even someone that's worked away for long periods at a time? I can't talk to my friends because they are mutual and don't know about us declaring our love for one another yet and I have no siblings I can confide in.

I feel I should be shouting on the rooftops that finally I've met the man of my dreams but feel like I don't want to just jump into something without thinking of the consequences. Obviously I'm not saying I'll be on the front pages of magazines anytime soon but life will be slightly different from my normal day to day mum life.

It might be worth mentioning too that I work for a public company that states in their policy that if you are likely to be in the media or press at all you need to tell them. Anyone have any advice on this too?

So AIBU to take the risk? Please be nice. I've been a long time lurker and have found Mumsnet so useful since becoming a mum myself. I know this isn't a first world problem but I've just turnt 30 and would like to start enjoying life.

Obviously I've made sure this isn't outing.

[Pinkcat231]

YANBU to go for it! ‘Famous’ people are just people and it sounds like you’ve been leading up to this for 15 years! Yes, it’ll be complicated but if you don’t try you’ll never know.

Change your name on social media so random fans can’t find you, I have a lot of teacher friends and they all use their first and middle names now so you could do that.

And as for your mum bod it sounds like he likes you for you, if he changes his mind after seeing your body, you don’t want to be his friend never mind anything more!

[steppemum]

you know what, he has known you for 15 years, through thick and thin, ups and downs. Your friendship has already proved it can survive. He doesn't want a model, he wants a soul mate.

Some famous people keep their families totally out of the spotlight, keep your media profile low and chose not to engage with any of it.

I think once you are an item, he would chose to fly home regularly when on tour to see you.

[BeGoodTanya]

First of all, forget all that self-deprecating 'mum life' and 'mum bod' stuff. Do not ever go into a relationship feeling apologetic for what you are. Who the rest of the band go out with is nothing to do with you. If your friend was an accountant, you would not be worrying about who the rest of his department was going out with.

Secondly, why is he warning you before you even get together! about the potential backlash from fans? That's a very odd move to me, in the context of declaring his love. Assuming you aren't a fifteen year old girl, you can lock down your social media, if you use it, and not hang around on fan chatrooms, or wherever this bile gets spewed. There's no reason at all why your child should get any heat from this. In what way will your life change if you start a relationship with him? You don't have to go to his gigs, you know, and surely he can't permanently be on tour. A friend of mine is married to a very famous band member well, more famous a few years ago than now and I don't think he's been a single gig or award ceremony for years. They have two young children, and he has his own non 9-5 demanding job, so he's usually working on his own stuff or looking after the kids.

And frankly, is he worth all this hassle and soul-searching? Have you asked him how he plans to get home to see you during tours? If you've loved him for fifteen years, why has something not happened before now?

[Halo84]

I would go for it. You may not be in the press. Don’t ever talk to the press, or to anyone you don’t know about him and you should be ok.

I agree about social media. My daughter’s social media is her first name and surname initial, so she can’t be identified.

[PlainJane89]

Thanks for the replies so far

@BeGoodTanya you're right I need to leave the pity party behind and realise my own self worth. I just lost myself a bit after having my son and his dad had quite a few unkind words to say about my appearance (one of the many reasons why I left).

He didn't declare the dangers of being in the spot light in the same conversation as declaring his love. It was days after when he was asking where my head was at. It's only because I have seen first hand some of the negative comments on their Instagram page mainly targeted towards females being in pictures with them! It's just crazy fan girls. As for me no, I'm 30 and only have a private Instagram account with about 2 photos on there if that.

My life will change, again I can't really go into too much detail as to why but they are sometimes on TV and regularly attend events with partners. I know I don't have to attend or go to gigs by surely if this is who he is and a huge part of his life I want to be there for him for support from time to time. But you're right maybe not going is the answer. I'll see how he feels about that.

Again it's probably not a normal start to a relationship but it's more relaxed and open I supposed because we've known each other for so long. The reason we haven't got together sooner has been both our faults. Both been off to universities at different ends of the country, my mum passed away when I was 25 and I became a recluse for a while. He went travelling for a year. I married someone else and had a child. Life goes by pretty quickly and our stars never aligned until now.

The issue is the band are still relevant at the moment but like your friend's husband perhaps in a few years that probably won't be an issue. No they haven't been touring this whole time but they recently did a big tour supporting another artist, have their own tour coming up the end of the year, have festivals this summer and in the studio a lot of the time. That's obviously without then the award ceremonies, and the PR they have to do for each single and album release.

I'm seeing him tonight so I will speak to him more then. I'm not saying people are going to out right attack my son, I'm just cautious. I do love him so would really like this to work and feel it's time to explore where this can really go.

[Ottessa]

I know I don't have to attend or go to gigs by surely if this is who he is and a huge part of his life I want to be there for him for support from time to time.

Not if it has an adverse affect on your own life, any more than you would be attending work functions that didn't suit you in any other industry. It's not the same, but my husband used to have a very high-profile job that involved a lot of glitzy hobnobbing with the famous (not music, but in some ways equivalent), and as it really wasn't my scene, I tended to leave him at it, even if we had night-time childcare and it didn't clash with my work (while I definitely supported his career in other ways, obviously -- and he mine.)

I suppose what I'm saying is, yes, absolutely make sure you are going into this on a fully equal basis, not feeling apologetic or grateful for being chosen, or feeling you need to rush about 'servicing' his career or putting up with public exposure you don't want, just because he's in a famous band, rather than in any other job.

Get him to talk through his schedule for the next year or eighteen months, and how he will be able to arrange to see you. Friends who work in the (classical) music industry, even on a project-by-project basis, have detailed longterm diaries because singers' and conductors' schedules are booked long in advance. A friend who works in opera will be able to tell you exactly where he will be and what doing March 2021, and also blocks out family time in between gigs.