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AIBU over choice of godparents?

(48 Posts)
Glittertrauma Sun 17-Mar-19 21:30:29

Mamas, I need some outside perspective on a big dilemma.

My partner is from a very close family and has two sisters. One of them, who I'll call Sister 'A' and his mum, I have always had an amazing relationship with and genuinely love. They made me welcome into the family from the first day and we're very close.

The other, Sister 'B', there has always been problems with. She has just never liked me and has taken every opportunity over the years to undermine me, make me feel belittled and just generally be a spiteful person. The things she has done over the years would fill pages. I honestly feel like I've tried again and again to build bridges and support her when she's needed it but I've finally had to give up over the years and just accept that not everyone will like you.

After many years of being a bit hurt and confused, it's gotten to the point now where I just actively dislike her and avoid her as much as possible. She honestly makes my skin crawl. My partner is aware of this. He doesn't deny that she's been pretty spiteful sometimes but at the end of the day, she's still his sister and he loves her, and I respect that. So far we've rubbed along at family occasions etc.

Now, I understand this isn't everyone's preference but for me it's important to baptise my children and for them to have godparents.

When Sister 'A' (the lovely one) had her first child, we were asked to be godparents. For her second child, she asked the Sister B to be godmother. Then we had our first child, and we asked lovely Sister A and her partner. Sister B then had three children in very quick succession. For the first child, she asked Sister A to be godmother. For the second two, she asked my partner but not me. I must admit I was upset - we don't get on, but it I felt it was quite a public snub.

Partner was amazing and said he wouldnt do it if I didn't want him to as he didn't think it was great behaviour from her. Decided I couldn't let him do that, as he loves his sister, so he is godfather.

Now I've had my second child. Following the family 'pattern', it should be that Sister B is my LG's godmother. I violently don't want this. I can't stand the woman and I don't want to give her the honour. I actively dislike her and even though I appreciate its all just symbolic can't stand the thought of offering her.

She was bridesmaid at my wedding and she was so vile about it and toxic her behaviour cast a shadow over the day, so I really dont want her invoked in anything else.

In an ideal world I would be completely NC with her but for the fact I wouldn't ask that of my partner.

However, my partner feels we 'should' ask her, particularly as he is godfather to hers.

Should I give in to what he feels is the 'right' thing to do even though I really don't want to? It's really upsetting me.

SheRaTheAllPowerful Sun 17-Mar-19 21:33:29

Stick to your guns, it would be different if you were her child’s godmother but she’s already shown her colours.
You should pick someone else!

cunningartificer Sun 17-Mar-19 21:34:15

No. Don’t ask someone you don’t like and respect to be a godparent. It means something more to you than a social ritual. Is there no one close on your side of the family to ask?

MinorChef Sun 17-Mar-19 21:35:05

Nope, don't do it

dragonsfire Sun 17-Mar-19 21:35:07

They are already aunties do not need to be godparents to!

Ellieboolou27 Sun 17-Mar-19 21:36:13

Don’t do it op, if she cant treat you with respect and be kind then definitely dont let her have the privilege of being godmother.

She sounds vile and there is no way I’d let her!

Goldmandra Sun 17-Mar-19 21:36:29

Absolutely not!

Being a godparent is a responsibility, not a right. It's clear that she couldn't support your DCs in any way as she hates you so much.

She has made it clear that you aren't good enough to be her DC's godparent so YANBU to refuse her the honour of being godmother to your DC. She hasn't followed the expected pattern herself because she excluded you.

Tell your DH that you've gone along with trying to keep the peace up until now and you will again in the future but this would be a step too far.

ohfourfoxache Sun 17-Mar-19 21:37:19

Erm, no

She doesn’t get to be a toxic bitch and godparent. The 2 don’t mix.

NoooorthonerMum Sun 17-Mar-19 21:37:47

I'm assuming you don't have a sister or very close cousin you could ask to be godmother? If she has 100% definitely been horrible to you (and not just stand off-ish) and it's not just a mutual dislike then I can totally see how it would be incredibly difficult to offer it to her. Who is the alternative?

Lovelylugs Sun 17-Mar-19 21:38:52

She has snubbed you twice. I would feel absolutely no guilt over not asking her. Why should you when she has been horrible to you? Also I'm sure you would like your child to actually gave a nice kind godmother not someone nasty and spiteful?

HappyBumbleBee Sun 17-Mar-19 21:40:03

Ask sister A again. If it's questioned just explain you want your DC to have the same godparents xx

Starlight456 Sun 17-Mar-19 21:41:26

No I wouldn’t have B

Xyzzzzz Sun 17-Mar-19 21:45:42

Nope I wouldn’t ask her. I’d chose someone else. She wants to make a fuss let her.

Spiritinabody Sun 17-Mar-19 21:48:00

I wouldn't ask anyone I genuinely disliked to be my child's Godmother. I would expect the GM to be someone the child would look up to and admire.

If you think of it in terms of who would look after your DC if anything were to happen to you and your DH, would you want his DSis to do that?

WorraLiberty Sun 17-Mar-19 21:53:26

I certainly wouldn't want her

But your child has two parents and your DH (knowing how vile she is to you) accepted the 'honour' of being godparent regardless.

So I can see why he may want to return the 'favour'.

Happilyacceptingcookies Sun 17-Mar-19 21:56:44

Don't ask her if you don't want to, choose anyone in the world that you want!

However it goes both regarded it as a snub when sister B asked your partner and not you but she was just doing the same and choosing who she really wanted.

Your families may operate differently but in my family I would view by siblings different to my in laws and wouldn't view it as a snub if DH's brother asked DH to be a godparent and not me, in fact to me it makes more sense.

PossiblyPFB Sun 17-Mar-19 21:57:59

Please don’t!!!!! DD has 3 sets of godparents due to unusual circumstances. One (the original) set are amazing, forever people that are dear. However there were extenuating circumstances and we chose badly for some additional godparents and now are stuck with that. It’s awkward.... in the end I’m addition to our dear friends we chose some of our very best friends from the time when Dd was born, who we were super close with. One couple is now divorced and we don’t speak to the wife anymore as she turned out to be a bit of a sociopath, and the other set we rarely see, so while they do make an effort to an extent it feels like an obligation on their part that is embarrassing to release them from.

You say you already know she’s toxic, so just don’t. Choose lovely people who genuinely will be there and will pray for your child / be present for them throughout their life. It’s about your child, not about someone’s “turn” to be a godparent. And it’s highly unusual for related parties to be chosen I’d say as well- as others have said, she’s already the child’s aunt! Please choose well! smile

cinderfeckinrella Sun 17-Mar-19 22:08:13

I'd ask sister A again, I'd go down the same godparents line. Never easy but she already snubbed you which was nasty.

peanutbutterandbanana Sun 17-Mar-19 22:09:05

Why would you choose someone who hates you to be godmother to your children? If anyone says anything you just have to tell them: 'She hates me and I'm sure you can understand she has thus ruled herself out'. She didn't choose you and so you don't have to choose her.

HJWT Sun 17-Mar-19 22:12:08

If have same as the first, if anyone says anything just say you wanted it to be the same...

Mummymummums Sun 17-Mar-19 22:19:47

No way! Time to make a stand on this - you had her as bridesmaid and she couldn't be decent.

Glittertrauma Sun 17-Mar-19 22:20:38

Yeah. I agree it is a little odd to be both aunty and godparent - but that's just how it's been done in his family so far.

I don't have any siblings myself I could ask.

Myself and partner have close friends we'd both like to ask. One of the friends we'd like to ask, who was best man at our wedding currently lives abroad and we're not sure he'd be able to come back for it. Another is a childhood lifelong friend of mine.

Then there's a couple who are close friends of ours who are godparents to our first child. would like to just have them, partner feels his sister 'should' be asked as well as the friends, mainly as he's godfather to some of her DC.

I would dearly love to be as close to Sister B as I am to his other sister and their mum, and honestly think I have tried over the years, many times. But she's just poisonous. Even partner has said he thinks she had an issue with me 'taking him away' from her - even though that was never the case. We have always been very involved with his family. I could understand her being a bit protective but this is not normal. Also I met partner nearly 15 years ago and she is still the same!

However I do feel sorry for my partner as I appreciate it must be hard being stuck in the middle.

Starlight456 Sun 17-Mar-19 22:25:42

Re friend abroad . My Ds’s godmother had a terminally ill df at the time . I spoke to minister about what could be done but was told someone could stand in if she couldn’t make it.

jellybeanteaparty Sun 17-Mar-19 22:28:07

Does your sister in law B happen to have a lovely husband you could ask ?

Cherrysoup Sun 17-Mar-19 22:31:13

A friend of mine had someone stand in for a godparent who couldn’t make it. Choose your friend, not your nasty sil.

HJWT Sun 17-Mar-19 23:27:27

@Glittertrauma not really OP, he is only stuck in the middle because he choses to be! He should of told her to grow up a long time ago!

FlossieTeacakesFurCoat18 Sun 17-Mar-19 23:38:57

A friend sounds much better! You have the perfect excuse in that she didn't ask you. The fact that she did ask your dh is irrelevant, you might as well suggest asking her dh and not her!

RedHatsDoNotSuitMe Sun 17-Mar-19 23:41:00

I think it matters what you consider the godparent role to be.

If it's just a symbolic thing, then I think it's fine to ask her.

However, if it's got a more significant role to you, then it's inappropriate.

So, in my view, it comes down to that.

I do understand your dilemma, though.

Redwinestillfine Sun 17-Mar-19 23:45:02

A godparent should be someone you foresee in your child's life who can provide help and guidance when they are older and who they develop a close relationship with. If she's that person go for it, if not rethink. There's no obligation about offering this to family.

fargo123 Mon 18-Mar-19 04:38:52

No way would I have the nasty sister. She's made her bed, now she has to lie in it.

It's not unusual to have only person from a married couple as a godparent. We have DH's brother as godparent to one of our children, but not his wife. We have a friend as one of the godparents to DC2 but not her husband as he's a bit of a tosser.

ChaosMoon Mon 18-Mar-19 04:52:55

No no no no no.
What message does it send to your kids, that this woman hates you, is actively unpleasant, but their DF felt that it was still on to make her their godmother? The message I'd take from that is that how you're treated doesn't matter, and that's a horrendous message for a child to be given about their mother.

I'm sorry if it seems harsh, but it's high time your DH sorted his shit out and started backing you.

kateandme Mon 18-Mar-19 05:50:50

no way.godparent is something really symbolic.and if your choosing godparents this means you now how important the role is too.
you would give It to someone who is like a second guid in their life apart from give that to someone you trust with your babies life and ur own and that will have all ur best wishes and theirs at heart always.
what will gtoewing up be like if the little one then older and older has a godparent that quite clearly actively dislikes their mum!this will show and might rub off if she is spiteful enough.
don't put it to your partner that you don't want his sis.put it that you really want one of the friends you mentioned.he should respect this.and if he doesn't and you need to discuss it then put all the point you have here to him and tell him you feel really uncomfortable putting repsonsiblilty of your child onto someone that doesn't like their mum!

kateandme Mon 18-Mar-19 05:51:11

ps not strange to have aunties as godparents.all ours are.

PregnantSea Mon 18-Mar-19 06:08:27

This isn't just about you returning favours and honouring a person. It's about choosing someone you actually trust and respect. Do not ask your SIL, she has been a vile and spiteful cow and very much sounds like someone you do not want your child to emulate. Also I'd be surprised if sil is expecting it given that she specifically didn't ask you to be godmother to any of hers. So just ask one of these close friends you mentioned. I wouldn't back down on this.

Fuppy Mon 18-Mar-19 06:31:42

Personally I don't agree with family also being godparents.

Soontobe60 Mon 18-Mar-19 06:41:19

I think you have to support your husband on this one I'm afraid. He wants his sister to be a godparent, you don't because you don't like her and she didn't pick you. Maybe this is a way of building bridges.

hardyloveit Mon 18-Mar-19 06:51:32

If you don't want her to be then just say no. She doesn't respect you at all. Just choose friends. Maybe she will get the hint that she's not been nice!

OffToBedhampton Mon 18-Mar-19 06:58:05

Ask your close friend instead. Definitely don't ask B as she'll use it. Godparent is a privileged role and can be influential.

If B questions it, easy reply is" B you made it obvious over the years how much you dislike Glitter so we can't have you as a godparent"

MsSquiz Mon 18-Mar-19 07:00:00

I would stick you what you want. It's not like you have just had a little disagreement.

If DH and I have children, we will likely be in a similar position. DH's sister and I are barely polite to each other and I would do anything to ensure she is not a godparent to my children. Trouble is, she's a vicar, so on paper she is the most ideal person for the role!
However she did our wedding ceremony and tried to take over the whole day and she will be doing the baptism too, so I am hopeful that that means we don't have to have her as a godparent (and we can choose DH's brother and wife instead!)

CoraCoo Mon 18-Mar-19 07:00:07

Choose someone else. First set of godparents came from oh's side, the second set of godparents can come from your side. There's nothing unreasonable about that even if sister b was nice!

Arowana Mon 18-Mar-19 07:00:26

I would choose your friend, and use the "first set of godparents from DH's family, second set was my choice".

SnuggyBuggy Mon 18-Mar-19 07:03:22

YANBU, would she even want to be your child's godparent?

anniehm Mon 18-Mar-19 07:03:27

I would ask a non family member ideally someone who is actually religious! They are aunts already. It's a great way of formalising a relationship with a close friend.

Skittlesss Mon 18-Mar-19 07:06:53

I would have the same as your first child, but then again I don’t know what the bible says about it.

MidniteScribbler Mon 18-Mar-19 07:27:59

DH chose the first set, you should get to choose the second.

RockinHippy Mon 18-Mar-19 08:27:40

No way in hell would I choose a godparent who actively dislikes me & likes to cause drama around it. Stick to your guns

Happynow001 Mon 18-Mar-19 09:17:00

Choose your close friend to be godparent - not this SIL who hates you and could also use the fact that she's godmother against you or your child in the future.

Also you compromised with your husband, when he was asked to be godparent without you. Time for him to put you first and listen to/compromise in your favour.

What a mind field- stick to your guns OP.

TriciaH87 Mon 18-Mar-19 13:26:05

Ask sister A again. Its your child your choice. If she makes a comment just say you have 3 of your own to look after and with your clear dislike of me if something ever happened i dread my child being raised with your constant mocking.

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