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DH and priorities...

(49 Posts)
MAFSShocker Wed 06-Mar-19 08:47:01

DH wfh with a Flexi diary - can go to gym etc
Tomorrow we have an IVF appointment, it's been in his calendar for weeks. Get in from work and was met with assuming your just making your own way to appointment tomorrow. No, I want you to be there like we discussed. Was my response.
Him, ok it's just an hour out of my day there and back just for the appointment, I don't really have time as have to pick DSS up for sport in the arvo. (Which is an hour round trip) Will really cut my day short....
If he doesn't take me, it means 2 cabs and a bus for me to get to the clinic and then back to work.
More importantly- I'd like him there for the emotional support, it's us both doing it not just me.
Appreciate I might BU and over reacting due to hormones. But surely if you've time to take DSS to sport practice - not an event or match.
You can make the time to take me to our IVF appointment?!?!

Sausagerollers Wed 06-Mar-19 09:17:31

Does he really want another child, as he's not exactly looking keen on the idea is he?

More importantly, do you want to have a DC with a man who isn't interested in the intricacies of you getting pregnant/carrying a child to term? Surely if he was interested he'd make time for your appointment.

Shylo Wed 06-Mar-19 09:18:52

I agree with Sauasage .... he doesn’t seem to be enagaged and if he’s not on word at this stage I’d be questioning whether it’s a good idea to proceed

Jupiters Wed 06-Mar-19 09:19:15

Wow, he is definitely bring the unreasonable one here. I'd be upset with him if I was in your position, as I'd feel I (and the IVF process) wasn't very important to him.

Hotpinkangel19 Wed 06-Mar-19 09:19:46

Doesn't sound like he's that interested to me..

BabyDarlingDollfaceHoney Wed 06-Mar-19 09:20:41

I don't think prioritising your existing child's needs over an IVF appointment is unreasonable.

TheHodgeoftheHedge Wed 06-Mar-19 09:21:19

I’m With the others - this would have me seriously questioning whether he is actually committed to the IVF journey at all.

ADHMeeee Wed 06-Mar-19 09:22:28

He has flexi and works from home. He can miss some gym and bloody well accompany you. This is a big deal.

blackteasplease Wed 06-Mar-19 09:26:05

He is very unreasonable. I wouldn't bother going either if he's like this. You can imagine what he all be like when he has to do anything for the dc.

Mayne put the ball in his court and say "I really need you to be there. I need to know you committed to this otherwise I don't see the point of going "

Plus the way he said it as though you hadn't agreed was annoying.

blackteasplease Wed 06-Mar-19 09:27:34

Ps nothing wrong with prioritising dss but it sounds like he can do both but choosing not to? He can make up the hours.later and miss the gym / an hour of sleep/ downtime etc

KatnissMellark Wed 06-Mar-19 09:27:58

What appointment is it? Do you need his support or is it just the transport issue? This does make a difference to be honest. I'm going into my seventh IVF cycle now so be aware these things can go in for many years. You need to be together through it but also normal life needs to carry in. For the first cycle DH came to every appointment as that's what I felt I needed and there were no other children to consider. However as you have other children to consider this may not be possible. If you do end up needing as much treatment as we have (I hope you that you don't!) it may be worth considering what appointments are important for him to be at, and what you can cope with on your own. For our subsequent UK cycles DH came only the EC and ET, didn't attend any other appointments. We are now going into our third cycle abroad and DH has only been over with me once for EC/him to give his sample, I've done all other trips/appointments myself including ET, as a)cost and b)to minimise disruption to DS (from our fourth round!).

It's not as black and white as he should be there or not-everyones' needs must be balanced, he needs to keep his job, look after his DSS, but also support you appropriately depending on where you are in the process.

Can you learn to drive or is there a reason you can't (obviously a long term solution if it's the transport issue that concerns you)

PandaSky Wed 06-Mar-19 09:45:59

I think it depends what the appointment is for, some IVF appts are just a quick blood test. But then others are more in depth with lots of information or scans.

Cailinnua Wed 06-Mar-19 10:02:22

What is happening at the appointment? I would only want him there if he is needed. You end up with a lot of trips when you are doing a cycle, we went together for the first informative meeting and then I did the rest alone. I felt it was a waste of his time hanging around, he would have gone if I’d asked him though

frenchknitting Wed 06-Mar-19 10:13:54

Can't he just start work an hour earlier? That is the advantage of flexi WFH.

TriciaH87 Wed 06-Mar-19 10:17:30

Tell him if he wants this baby he starts as he means to go on....being there every step of the way. Otherwise your being treated like a single parent before conception. He needs to step up or you need to consider is this a good idea if his not 100% committed.

MAFSShocker Wed 06-Mar-19 10:33:18

We've just done one cycle which failed. Appointment tomorrow is prep for EPU - we are mid stims. I don't need him there, but want him there. I did some appointments alone last cycle and appreciate sometimes you just need to tough it out. We've done a back to back failure to stims and I'm feeling shit, hence the need this time.
I can drive but we have one car, barely gets used so we don't need another. I take public trans. to work. But if I take the car he can't then pick up DSS.
I know he's invested in this, I just sometimes think he needs to think a bit before he acts. Also I have the controversial view, that sometimes not always the child shouldn't always come first. Shock, horror. And yes I'll hold that view when we have children.

KatnissMellark Wed 06-Mar-19 11:02:00

Honestly I do think you're being a tiny bit OTT (said in the kindest way). I've been there myself so totally understand. You are right, the child doesn't always have to come first, it's about balancing the needs of the family as a whole. If it's prep for EPU it'll likely be a scan to check your follies, weight, blood pressure and info regarding the procedure. DH doesn't really need to be there for that.

I'd be more annoyed he'd previously agreed and is now messing you about tbh so would raise that as an issue with him but not push him to attending this time. Tell him you want to feel supported but understand the need for balance so in future honesty up front would be better, and delivering on his promises.

It is shit, because even though you're in it together, it's all on you, you're the one who undergoes all the procedures, takes all the drugs and the majority of the emotional fallout. It's really fucking hard and at times I've been really angry at my DH over it-the fact that it just barely affects him and has such a huge impact on me drives me nuts.

And they should be doing all they can to support us, in principle. However in reality there are other issues to be weighed up. You don't want your dss resenting a sibling that's not even conceived yet, and you don't want DHs work cracking down because they think he's taking this piss, which will then cause more logistical issues in the future. So on this one is be the grown up and let it slide (after the convo I've suggest above) but for EPU, ET any treatment planning appointments where different approaches are discussed, he should be there.

lastqueenofscotland Wed 06-Mar-19 11:27:11

I think leaving an existing child to go to an appointment for IVF is actually really naff...

KatnissMellark Wed 06-Mar-19 11:36:21

@lastqueenofscotland what do you mean? Anyone with fertility issues is only allowed one child? Or we should take then with us to the fertility clinic? Because people complain about that too...

Is it less acceptable leaving them a few hours/a day for an IVF procedure than it is for work? A different medical procedure? Or a weekend away with friends? Or a meal out or drinks? Because people do those things all the time, why is IVF different confused

mrsm43s Wed 06-Mar-19 11:40:38

If he can only do one thing, then I think taking DSS to his sports commitment trumps coming with you to your appointment.

But it sounds as though he could do both, and I think he should make the effort to do so in order to support you. Can he work an extra hour or two another day to make up time? Or even take some annual leave?

timeisnotaline Wed 06-Mar-19 11:43:48

Going back on being agreed when it’s a sensitive topic would really shit me.

MAFSShocker Wed 06-Mar-19 19:40:09

So I'm clear there are some (not all) opinions, that a pre existing medical appointment that concerns us both should take less priority than DH being a taxi for DSS to routine sports practice (when he can talk there unaided)
Appreciate that I might be being a bit OTT, being full of hormones and struggling TTC will do that to a person!

PandaSky Wed 06-Mar-19 21:12:15

I've had IVF but what is EPU? Either I've forgotten it or didn't have it.

MAFSShocker Wed 06-Mar-19 21:39:59

@PandaSky EC - EPU egg collection

Iggly Wed 06-Mar-19 21:41:56

And yes I'll hold that view when we have children

You don’t actually know that.

Logically maybe he sees that he doesn’t need to be there and can pick up his child. And you’ve done these appointments alone before?

PandaSky Wed 06-Mar-19 21:45:28

EPU - egg pick up. Never heard it called that before!

Waterdropsdown Wed 06-Mar-19 21:52:42

EPU grin
Totally missed the point of the thread but that acronym is hilarious! Has it just been invented! Sounds like you are off to a farm to collect some eggs!

LL83 Wed 06-Mar-19 21:53:38

Yanbu.

Work would be a reason to go alone but he has time off. Dss would be a reason not to go but he can manage both.

He cant take the one car and expect you to do so much public transport so he can have "me time!"

If it was a haircut I would expect a lift in these circumstances and your appointment is clearly much more important even in a basic practical sense nevermind the emotional side!

MAFSShocker Wed 06-Mar-19 22:06:15

He needs to be there to do consent forms, they need to be witnessed or he needs to go to a JP.
Agree it's funny term EPU ..... if only it was as simple as a trip to the farm

AnneLovesGilbert Wed 06-Mar-19 22:38:38

Sorry to hear your cycle failed.

You know the deal with your husband, this seems to another conflict between ivf and his son and I worry for you it’s always going to be this way and you’re always going to feel you’re not getting the support from him that you need.

Nothinglefttochoose Thu 07-Mar-19 08:12:42

But you already have children. A DSS. Or does he not count in your “when we have children” spiel??

Nothinglefttochoose Thu 07-Mar-19 08:14:18

Egg collection is the standard term. They put a needle up your vagina, through your cervix and the pierce your ovaries to suck the eggs out. Real fun.

MAFSShocker Thu 07-Mar-19 08:16:50

@Nothinglefttochoose yup and don't believe my DSS's needs should alway be before mine. Sometimes yes, but not always. And yes same view when we have children. Sometimes yes, but not always.

MAFSShocker Thu 07-Mar-19 08:18:06

@Nothinglefttochoose EPU is standard used here.

ElloBrian Thu 07-Mar-19 08:22:57

Bit unclear on the timings. Could you elaborate? From what you’ve said, it sounds as though both events are on at the same time and so your DP wants to drive your DSS to a sports thing which is local enough for him to walk to? Does he walk to it often? Is he used to going to it on his own? How old is he?

JetGrind Thu 07-Mar-19 08:29:46

OP, I think you're getting some weird responses as a lot of people on MN just don't understand IVF.

But, if it's egg collection day, surely he has to be there to provide a sample? And surely you'll need some help after the anaesthetic - I had a local for one round and a general for another, and I'm got instructions that we'd need the rest of the day to recover.

outpinked Thu 07-Mar-19 08:30:30

I do think children come first personally but here it sounds as though he could do both and just isn’t because he can’t be arsed with the extra driving. Doesn’t sound overly supportive.

MAFSShocker Thu 07-Mar-19 08:35:46

So to be clear. Our appointment was in the morning, early 8am. He was required to be there to sign consent form, as he hadn't bothered to find a JP to witness.
DSS sport is in the afternoon, after school.
He can easily attend both.
But he didn't want to be inconvenienced by attending both, as it would cut short his working day. He'd prefer me to be inconvenienced by leaving for work early, getting public transport into the CBD and then cab to and from the clinic or walk/bus etc.

Holidayshopping Thu 07-Mar-19 08:40:37

Have you posted about this before-it sounds really familiar?

Has he got loads to do tomorrow and can just about swing an hour out but not two?

Just giving him the benefit of the doubt!

MAFSShocker Thu 07-Mar-19 08:40:36

@outpinked question for you, you need to take your DH into hospital for an intimate appointment, he doesn't want your DC there due to intimate nature of appointment or the questions you will be asked when taking a history. It would be helpful to your DH and the medical team if you were there.
You arrange for DC to be with their grandparents. DC doesn't want that, they get upset. Would you put their needs first in that scenario?

Notthatsimple Thu 07-Mar-19 08:48:10

I’m open mouthed on your behalf, OP.

Petalflowers Thu 07-Mar-19 08:52:22

Can someone else pick ds up, or can ds miss one weeks sports session? Can ds get home using a bus or walk?

ElloBrian Thu 07-Mar-19 08:53:02

Well, in that case I think I would tell him that I was seriously reassessing my willingness to have a child with someone for whom I, and the prospect of having a child, was clearly not a priority. Bad sign for how things will be if you do have a baby, I’m afraid.

mrsk28 Thu 07-Mar-19 08:55:54

YANBU.

DH should have gone to the appointment with you because it didn't conflict with DSS's sport training in the afternoon. If grandparents were happy to look after him then that's where he should have gone, happy or not.

IVF is something you both signed up to so he should be as involved as he can be.

And if he really couldn't go then he should have given you the car to go by yourself and walked DSS to sports in the afternoon.

PandaSky Thu 07-Mar-19 09:08:56

*as he hadn't bothered to find a JP to witness.

getting public transport into the CBD*

What is JP and CBD? You're using a lot of unfamiliar acronyms and it's hard to understand your posts

ItsLikeRainOnYourWeddingDay Thu 07-Mar-19 09:13:24

Are you in Australia or the US?

JP - justice of the peace?
CBD - central business district?

MAFSShocker Thu 07-Mar-19 09:28:24

Justice of the peace
And city centre yes

onalongsabbatical Thu 07-Mar-19 10:27:41

So he already has a child. Are you sure he really actively wants another one or is he doing it for you? Which means he'll be less motivated to engage with all of this extra and stressful stuff? Have you persuaded him?

KatnissMellark Thu 07-Mar-19 11:15:53

If he needs to be there to sign consent forms he has to go, otherwise the procedure won't be going ahead. Is it EPU or EPU prep? You said prep before but some people think you're actually having the procedure confused

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