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Depressed and selfish partner - what to do?

(9 Posts)
Exhausted18 Sun 03-Mar-19 15:29:32

I'm starting a thread here to get peoples thoughts and partly so I don't go upstairs and have an all out blazing row with my DP. So as to try not to dripfeed I should say that he suffers from depression (and is medicated for it). I also have depression although didn't require any medication until it escalated into full blown PND almost immediately after DD was born. I am off meds now as they made me too tired to function with small baby. I still have bad days but I push myself through as baby comes first. DD is now 6 mths. DP does nothing around the house or with DD unless I nag him to. He can conveniently act the doting dad when his parents or guests are in but mostly he ignores her or leaves her to me. He will have bursts of playing with her for 5/10 mins and then gets bored and puts her down. If I ask him to give her a feed he will say yes but then will make no attempt to get a bottle ready when she starts fussing. Usually I remind him 4 or 5 times before he'll feed her. Twice I have left him to it and he leaves her until she's crying hysterically then he will pick her up and ask me to go get the bottle ready. I can't do that anymore it's too upsetting to see her that upset and completely needlessly so!! He can be so selfish too. I know his depression is a lot of it and he has missed a lot of work because of it lately but still. He won't do anything to help himself. Reminding him to take his tablets doesn't even work. I have to physically put them in his hand and watch him take them or else he can't be trusted (and he is 10x worse when off pills, literally won't leave bed or wash for days - he knows this). Example of him being selfish though which I can't understand; I asked him to change DD's nappy one evening (he had been in bed all day until about 3 and then got up, had time to himself to shower, have food, watch tv etc, DD was teething and cranky and I was exhausted). He said he wasn't available (exact words) to change her for 25 mins as his football match wasn't over. I tried to insist but there was no way he was budging. He would have happily let her sit in a dirty nappy that length without giving it a second thought despite the fact he had done f--- all for her all day. I just can't fathom it!!! On my worst day, and I was really bad for a while, suicidal and wanting to give baby up as thought she was better off without me, I still never EVER left her hungry or sitting in a filthy nappy like that. I can't trust him alone with her because I honestly think he would neglect her. And he acts so hurt when I say this and I feel like the world's biggest bitch. Last night he stayed up til 3am playing online games with his friends. I called him at noon today and asked him to help me with baby (to be honest, I could have coped as I'm used to it now but why shouldn't he pitch in with his own child). He said he'd be there in 5 mins. At half 2 he drags himself downstairs, I gave out to him for being noisy (getting the dog worked up and starting her off barking mostly) as baby was only just asleep for her nap. He sulks and disappears upstairs to play games with his friends again. I'm so pissed off!!! He won't do a thing! Dishes, laundry. I've stopped doing his and it just piles up and sits there pissing me off more. His family know all about it but are very softly, softly approach. Fine for them, they don't have to live with it. My family are 2hrs drive away (4hrs by bus and I don't drive) his are 5 mins round the corner. Some days I just want to pack up baby, dog and myself, go back to where I'm originally from and leave him to it and honestly I'm not sure he'd even notice we were gone. Am I being a total cow? I was understanding for so long and now I'm just at the end of my rope But I'm so bloody exhausted. And I'm afraid my own depression is clouding my judgement and making me react more badly to things than I should. Just feeling so alone. Sorry for disjointed post, baby has not slept last week properly and I'm so tired. Also should say, he's been to GP twice in past fortnight (due to me and his mum nagging him for 3 hrs straight each time) and is on waiting list to see psychiatrist but I just don't know how much longer i can take this.

PtahNeith Sun 03-Mar-19 15:37:16

That's not depression. He's using depression as an excuse to behave like a dick.

I did think reading your post that you sound like you're operating as a single parent, only with him tripping you up and making life even harder than if you actually were single. Seems like you've thought the same.

It's a statement of fact that he did neglect his child. That he tried to turn it back around on you when you raised it with him is manipulative and concerning.

What was he like before you were pregnant?

kingfisherblue33 Sun 03-Mar-19 15:39:34

He's using depression as an excuse to behave like a dick.

Yup. Depression does not make most people behave like this.

He's a selfish, useless man child. I'd LTB. You'lll be a lot bloody happier.

Duchessgummybuns Sun 03-Mar-19 15:40:50

Congrats OP seems you got two children for the price of one.

What you’re describing isn’t depression, it’s pure selfishness. You’d be best off getting rid, put your own mental health first.

Exhausted18 Sun 03-Mar-19 15:43:09

Thank you for your reply.
He's very good at talking the talk but not following through if that makes sense. He seemed wonderful before I got pregnant and during. But then I suppose he didn't have to back it up with action then. I'm so sad. I do love him and he is good in so many ways. He says he loves our daughter all the time but practically he doesn't take care of her at all. He is a lazy sod and makes me doubt myself (although I don't think he does that intentionally). I have a family member I confide in over the phone and she made the exact same comment re single parent and how she thinks I would actual cope better if I was one because I'd be doing all the same things and won't have the resentment towards him to deal with sad.

MortyVicar Sun 03-Mar-19 16:18:39

And I'm afraid my own depression is clouding my judgement and making me react more badly to things than I should.

Nope, it's the other way round. It's his appalling behaviour that is making your depression worse.

Seriously, there is no excuse for his behaviour other than selfishness. He demonstrates that he can do things when he wants to.

I know depression can make life seem almost impossible. It doesn't sound like this is the case here. But even if it is, it's OK to say that you can't handle it any more.

Please think about taking a longish break away with your family. I bet your mood improves.

PlinkPlink Sun 03-Mar-19 16:45:27

For me, personally, focusing on something other than how shit I felt dragged me out of my depression.

I went to live with my DSis and her boys. I would take them to school, get their uniforms ready, get their breakfast etc. That responsibility dragged me out of my depression (I know though that's not the same for everyone). It gave me a chance to not keep thinking about how shit I feel.

Your OH is using his depression as an excuse. Nothing excuses shitty behaviour. Perhaps you could go and stay with family for a bit - couple of weeks maybe? Make him realise he's close to losing those that are supporting him? Or would he just continue to wallow for those 2 weeks?

In any event, I think you need to tell him you can't do this for much longer. You recognise he has depression but he needs to take responsibility for his own illness and stop relying on you to carry him. Not only that but he needs to start stepping up to the plate in regards to his parenting.
It sounds to me like even if you did move on, you'd pretty much be doing the same thing you are now but with less crap to deal with, less stress and less plates to clean 🤔

Cherrysoup Sun 03-Mar-19 16:50:02

Tbh, it sounds like you’d be better off without him. I’d be off.

Exhausted18 Sun 03-Mar-19 17:55:52

Thanks all for taking time to reply. I've asked my sister if I can stay with her for a few days, waiting on response. Lots to think about sad

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