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AIBU with DP not being entirely aware of our finances?

(22 Posts)
Reallyevilmuffin Tue 26-Feb-19 19:41:47

I'm kinda expecting to get flamed here, I can take flak if you think I deserve it.

We've been together 4 years. Just before getting together I bought a 4 bed house putting down a 15% deposit. She was in housing association housing. We moved into this house 6m ago, and it's pretty nice all things considered, but she would prefer a different area, which I agree with.

We now have twins under a year and a DSD to me of 7 who lives here full time.

Now for the money - she knows all about the house purchase, and how much I earn per year. We don't have a joint account, purely because she has not bothered to get ID stating this address, I am keen for one. I am the sole Warner, she is looking after the kids and then going back into education, which is set up for September. I pay all household bills, all clothing, her driving lessons etc. She gets 400 a month to do whatever she wants with on top of this currently, although this has halved currently so we can buy a car for her outright.

However, I haven't told her the full extent of my previous, now our joint assets. I have a savings account that the deposit came from that has a monthly contribution into from my wages. It has more than the deposit I put down in now.

How has this happened? Well it has slowly built up, and DP is not great with money. She has bipolar, and She has a lot of historical credit card debt that she built up when in a manic episode. She struggles to not spend money she has, but is more keen than me on moving and getting married etc, big expenses but just really struggles to save for them.

The bigger issue is her being a kind heart but a bit of a sucker for a son story. Apparently it was worse before, but in the time we have been together (mostly asked for from me) she has given away over 4 grand (that she has told me of) to friends who were hard up feeding her sob stories, or even just people on Facebook groups sometimes. The last time this happened was around 18m ago.

I am petrified of this happening again, so I create a somewhat bigger impression of hardship than we have. If for example the car broke down, I would just advise her that I would sort it and would mix finding a deal, money from parents etc.

So Essentially, I would have told her by now if it weren't for the masses of money that has wandered off, but it was too early then I was too worried about it getting sucked away... We are planning to move soon which she is completely niave about re costs/fees etc. I could sort it all out so she was never even aware of it. Which route should I go down?

Chocolate1984 Tue 26-Feb-19 19:46:06

If it were me I wouldn't tell her.

lily2403 Tue 26-Feb-19 19:50:11

Don’t tell her you have savings or they will be spent in her more generous moments, I lived with someone who has bipolar, I know what the spending can be like. If all is ok with how you are living why change it. I would arrange it all yourself and keep a tight string on the purse. What she doesn’t know won’t hurt her or your family finances

chipsandpeas Tue 26-Feb-19 19:56:26

if your not married its not joint assets tho

Walkingdeadfangirl Tue 26-Feb-19 19:57:37

Don't let her have anything to do with your finances and dont get married or she will have legal right to half of all of your savings, dont risk it. She is starting to sound like a cocklodger.

anniehm Tue 26-Feb-19 19:59:59

Dh hasn't a clue, not that I hide it from him, he simply doesn't do money. It works for us. Whatever works for you is fine

Ohhgreat Tue 26-Feb-19 20:01:14

Yep agree, you're doing the right thing.

Santaclarita Tue 26-Feb-19 20:05:12

Fully agreed you are doing the right thing. If she actually protests, she is a fool. She sounds lovely and kind, but very naive. The type that would still believe a Nigerian Prince.

No keep controlling all money. Some people just aren't good with money and she is one of them.

She hasn't asked by this point so I assume she doesn't want to know. Maybe she is trying to shake the habit by letting you handle it.

gamerchick Tue 26-Feb-19 20:05:36

Your set up sounds sensible imo.

Foslady Tue 26-Feb-19 20:05:58

Don't think of it as secret savings, think of it as a safety net. Right now if God forbid anything happened you could sort it whilst your partner gets help.
If they know it’s there when a manic episode happens it could be too much responsibility for them to cope with and financially a disaster.
So long as you are ensuring that no one is having to scrip and ‘rob Peter to pay Paul’ in your day to day living why alter the Status Quo?

Crystalintheeyes Tue 26-Feb-19 20:06:26

Don’t tell her

MamaWeasel Tue 26-Feb-19 20:17:10

I'm bipolar and I know just how hard it is not to spend money when I'm "high" (despite being medicated.) I say don't tell her.... It will become an obsession and be frittered away.

KanielOutis Tue 26-Feb-19 20:18:40

Don't tell her. It's early days in the relationship. It's not like you're being financially abusive.

Wallsbangers Tue 26-Feb-19 20:23:23

You're not married so it's your asset, in the same way your house is your asset. I wouldn't tell her.

Have you tried discussing money with her? In general I mean, not your specific finances. Does she understand budgeting, how much things like insurance etc cost. She could easily be left with nothing in this situation (not that I'm suggesting you're going to leave btw).

Whatsnewpussyhat Tue 26-Feb-19 20:26:54

Was she working when you met? Did she have any money/savings to bring to the pot or were you just seen as an answer to her financial prayers?

Don't tell her. You have children to think of now and if she knows about it she will piss it up the wall.

Waveysnail Tue 26-Feb-19 20:30:09

Tbh in my early relationship with dh I did the same. He knew we had some savings but not the extent as he always expected me to be money fairy and find the cash when he needed something paid (like a car breakdown). Taught him to be a bit more careful and plan as I wasn't his back up (cash cow) any more.

MsVestibule Tue 26-Feb-19 20:40:31

As you're not married, they're not joint assets. As long as you aren't being financially abusive or living a 'better' lifestyle than hers (e.g. expensive hobbies, cars etc) because you're the earner and she's the SAHM, I would keep things as they are.

However, if you're interested in being completely fair to her, please encourage her to continue her studies/have a career, even if it means you have to take a step back from your career progression. She's in a very vulnerable position, even if she doesn't realise it.

Reallyevilmuffin Tue 26-Feb-19 21:10:32

When we talk about spends I account for much less than she does. I'm frugal so do the shopping and buy quite well, her main expense is smoking. Neither of us drink. I jointly do lottery for us, but no other gambling. I tell her if I'm spending like 40-50 plus on something. She goes a bit overboard with designer baby grows, but now generally only buys in sale or second hand with her money, which I can live with.

She is due to restart education in September, and I am going to fund full time childcare to enable this so on that front I don't think I could do much more for her!

She had minimal assets when we got together, and a fair few benefits which since moving in have all stopped, except child allowance which I am going to pay tax on so she keeps and it reduces her NI years.

She knows she could end up being left with nothing which was a big reluctance to move in. I genuinely want to have everything joint, but I worry about spending... I am naturally very frugal.

imaleaver Wed 27-Feb-19 10:10:36

Nothing wrong with what you are doing.

Birdsgottafly Wed 27-Feb-19 10:20:08

You've got to start seeing it that you are protecting all of you, financially.

No-one is more important than the children and the amount of money that she has given away is bad. Unless she was having a mental health episode, she's taking the piss out of you.

She's going to be surrounded by 'hard up' Students and I'd be putting conditions on her giving money away, tbh. Or you are both going to be rinsed.

SarahSissions Wed 27-Feb-19 10:30:36

I think you sound more than sensible. She also sounds like she has ‘friends’ who know she is vulnerable and take advantage.
I would consider approaching these people and say that with her mental health issues it is not right or fair to ask her for money.
What I would suggest is that you look to create a will with a trust if something were to happen to you. I would be wary about traditional lump sum pay outs as it sounds like this could leave your kids exposed

VimFuego101 Wed 27-Feb-19 12:05:09

It sounds like she is simply not that interested in finances. Has she ever even asked 'what money do you have in savings?'. I don't think that what you're doing is unreasonable.

That said, it would make sense to have regular discussions about bills due, incomings and outgoings so she understands what expenditure you have as a family, so she is aware and can take over if needed. If anything ever happened to you it sounds like she'd be lost.

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