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Worried about elderly mum's new boyfriend

(11 Posts)
MsBlackbird Tue 26-Feb-19 14:55:43

Please help me get some perspective on this and on what if anything I can do. My elderly mum (85, legally blind, limited mobility but still of sound mind) has recently met a man whom she seems smitten with despite not knowing much about him. He's 86 and has had an amputation as a result of which he is waiting for a prosthesis. He seems to fight with everyone though so the whole business has been dragging on for months and he is therefore stuck in a wheelchair. Long story short his own house is a complete tip and mum has invited him to stay in her house (which she rents from me) as the hospital have now had enough of him. It's supposed to be just for a few days but he is showing little sign of making plans to move on. She's on benefits which will be affected if he stays any length of time. I'm extremely concerned as I have been warned by someone who knows this man that he 'has a history of abuse'. The trouble is mum is enjoying having him in her life so I don't want to be too heavy handed but of course I am desperate to make sure she is safe plus I don't like this guy and I think he has longstanding mental health issues (not serious enough to lack capacity or be sectioned though). She has panic buttons etc in her house and he is stuck in a wheelchair so I don't suppose he can really do too much but I hate this situation. How worried should I be and what should I do? Thank you so much anyone who can advise me how best to handle things or suggest people I could speak to.

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking Tue 26-Feb-19 15:04:14

I'm extremely concerned as I have been warned by someone who knows this man that he 'has a history of abuse'.

Call social services, your mother is vulnerable and this is a form of 'cuckooing' (cuckooing traditionally applies to drug dealers) but the ethos is to take over the 'nest' of another person.

Long story short his own house is a complete tip and mum has invited him to stay in her house (which she rents from me) as the hospital have now had enough of him.

- his house - will be known to SS, he will self neglect or be a hoarder.
- hospitals will discharge when the medical need is over, he can’t bed block forever. They don’t throw people out because ‘they’ve had enough of him’

I would call SS, they wouldn’t discharge him back to an uninhabitable house so it must have been arranged he would move in with your mother shock

MsBlackbird Tue 26-Feb-19 15:13:52

Thank you PSST, this sounds like excellent advice. I had been wondering about involving Social Services and I think you are right that I probably do need to if he doesn't move on pronto - even if poor mum ends up hating me.

Just to explain: The hospital said the medical need was over months ago but this guy kept refusing to have care at his home or to go to a nursing home (I am not party to all the fights as to why exactly) and eventually he insisted on being taken back to his house. As he was assessed as having mental capacity the ambulance crew had no choice but to leave him there. My mum of course was horrified when we took him some shopping and saw the state of the place, so that's how he has now ended up with her.

HavelockVetinari Tue 26-Feb-19 15:14:30

I agree with PlainSpeakingStraightTalking, you need to contact Social Services immediately. I completely understand that the hospital were desperate to get him out so they could use the bed, and so latched onto your mum as a solution, but it's clearly not acceptable for him just to remain at hers for the foreseeable. What are the plans for him to go home?

Please ring SS, your mum needs protecting here.

MsBlackbird Tue 26-Feb-19 15:22:11

I've just heard from mum that this chap's GP has been to visit and is involving SS now, so hopefully this will happen soon. Thanks for the great advice!

LadyFidgetAndHerHandbag Tue 26-Feb-19 15:25:00

I was going to suggest Social Services too. I'm glad the GP has got involved, I hope a solution can be found that keeps your mum safe.

SpottedTiger Tue 26-Feb-19 15:31:28

FWIW getting a prosthesis after amputation is a long process and does take many months. Learning to walk with one is very hard particularly is you are elderly and frail/not very fit. Many amputees are never able to use one even with an intensive period of rehabilitation.

If both adults have mental capacity there is very little anyone including social services can do. They can't force him to clear the house or to accept carers/move. I would be surprised if all these avenues had not been explored already if he has been in hospital so long.

MsBlackbird Tue 26-Feb-19 15:43:25

You are so right SpottedTiger - these are exactly some of the issues insofar as I understand the situation. The NHS are saying a prosthesis will be too heavy for him. I don't know whether lighter ones might be available (tho perhaps not on the NHS) or whether he is just not up to any of them.

They do both have capacity but of course I have some powers as it's my house and mum very much relies on me for all sorts of things. I have LPOAs for her (wellbeing and finances), do her shopping, banking, medical appointments, correspondence etc etc. I don't want to use this to force things but if I have to I might just consider it. Hoping it won't come this this tho. I have made it very clear that he is only welcome at mum's for a few nights so I want to see things moving quickly...

StillMe1 Tue 26-Feb-19 15:56:40

Can you speak to DM's GP. It is too much for anyone aged 85 to be a carer for anyone especially as she needs some help from you. Also, agree that SS should be involved. The more agencies you bring on the better. It may also annoy this man to have people coming around all the time that he would decide to leave. You could speak to the local community police offers about his history of abuse.

RockinHippy Tue 26-Feb-19 16:06:15

I feel for you, I've been in this situation with simple aged DF, though it his case, it was a woman my age who had form for using men for financial gain, to run around after her & DF was unfortunately flattered as she was younger& became a nightmare. hmm

I'm glad the GP has involved SS, we tried to involve SS for DF, they were dreadful & told him I'd rang themangry, leading to a complete breakdown in our relationships as he convinced them I was just after his money & was finehmm

Thankfully he saw sense after a few months, but not before she'd stiffed him for several thousand poundsangry & tbh, I'm not sure our relationship has ever fully recovered

Good luck

MsBlackbird Tue 26-Feb-19 16:20:27

Oh how awful for you, RockinHippy! At least my mum doesn't have any money of her own.

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