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To ask why I feel this way. Utterly confused.

(17 Posts)
Seline Mon 18-Feb-19 23:16:19

I don't want to go into too many outing details here. Someone who I used to get on with as an acquaintance, but had completely different values to me, has done something to upset me when I was vulnerable. And they knew I was vulnerable at the time (unwell, had just come out of hospital after emergency surgery and having twins) and did it anyway, and continued to do it. The issue was to attempt to override me on a personal matter and when it became clear that it wouldn't work they tried to get my husband to agree to it hoping he wouldn't know id already refused. Can't give more details.

The incident is over now but I can't shake the deep, burning anger I feel towards this individual. I want no contact with them. The thing is going nc would be a hassle and I only have to see them about 4x per year. However I have never before experienced such anger and negativity towards one individual. I genuinely want to never see this person again.

The incident itself was minor I suppose. I'm usually fairly insightful with my own feelings but this has me confused as to why I feel so strongly about this person and cannot let this slide.

FauxFox Mon 18-Feb-19 23:19:15

You do not have to see anyone you do not want to see. Surely if you feel this strongly there will be more impact on you if you have to see them 4 times a year than dealing with saying you no longer wish to see them once?

Seline Mon 18-Feb-19 23:22:17

Person is a distant relative but not on my side and I don't feel comfortable letting them in the house when I'm not there, DH doesn't feel this way and would overlook indiscretions because he's laid back and doesn't see things as an issue.

What I'm trying to understand is why I feel such anger towards them for this. It's never happened before. There are people I dislike obviously but never have I been almost seething at the thought of someone.

BusySnipingOnCallOfDuty Mon 18-Feb-19 23:27:54

I don't know how to help. Specially not without outing details.

Two weeks ago yesterday, I was assaulted for the second time by my OH's best female friend. Long story short, despite the PTSD from pretty recent sexual abuse rearing its head and my shutting down for an entire week, we've managed to resolve this issue and his friend is actually mortified at her actions (she doesnt remember) and has been extremely apologetic. And I want to repair the damage when both sides are ready (we both have trauma to work through)

It doesnt sound like your situation could be resolved like this. But the range of emotions I felt towards her, the unstoppable feeling of wishing bad things upon her, the hatred for leaving me in such a vulnerable state and ruining a night out Id been waiting since last summer for.... Your description of your feelings sounds similar. I was scared I would never get past it, like with the shit I went through at school as a kid or the various workplace bullying i experienced for being different.

She needs speaking to but i dont know in your case who would be best to do it.

Seline Mon 18-Feb-19 23:36:03

Busy it's interesting you mention PTSD. I recently realised I may have issues with trauma regarding my recent vulnerability and spoke to someone about it who agreed it's potentially "mild PTSD", I'm starting EDMR therapy for it soon. I wonder if that's what's causing this, amplifying what may ordinarily feel like an annoyance into feeling like a heinous crime.

userschmoozer Mon 18-Feb-19 23:44:23

It could be that you have PTSD; but you also have a DH who doesn't respect your right to boundaries inside your own home. Thats not going to help.
His being laid back or not having an issue with the person who took advantage of you is irrelevant. YANBU to want your own space, and he should have your back.

userschmoozer Mon 18-Feb-19 23:46:49

You say you were targeted when vulnerable. Could some of your feelings be betrayal?
Someone posted about this book recently on another thread, and I wondered if it may help you;

Blind to Betrayal by Jennifer J. Freyd

SynchroSwimmer Tue 19-Feb-19 00:15:26

I think the feelings you describe are normal, the person crossed a boundary / there is no coming back from some certain situations / your subconscious wants to protect you / you need to avoid a repeat of the situation / you need to protect and look after yourself.

Writing this as someone who has just come out the other side of a similar sounding situation after 9 months where someone who befriended us, constantly caused issues and finally crossed a boundary which there is no way back from.

Feel shocked and puzzled at my depth of anger, thoughts and feelings and sick at the idea of seeing the person again, eventually my mind has processed the feelings and I feel resolute that I am justified in having no future contact and finally developed a coping strategy to deal with it.

In fact (and if it helps) I drafted a long post to put here on MN to seek advice, but having then written it all out, it sort of took the weight off my shoulders, let me mentally resolve the situation just by writing it down - and I then didn’t need to actually post the question. Just a clear resolution in my mind to have no future contact - and justification that there is no going back from the situation/no reason to rethink or deviate from my decision.

Andro Tue 19-Feb-19 00:19:40

If you were less than a month outside of a general anaesthetic, you may also have experienced this betrayal in a manner that affected by having had surgery. A general can mess with you for an extended period of time afterwards (for me, it's six weeks!) and alter how resilient you are and how your experience things.

Why can't you let it slide? This person knowingly hit you at your most vulnerable! That is the act of a vindictive coward, when someone tells you who they are, listen to them!

CSIblonde Tue 19-Feb-19 00:28:20

I think your anger is totally understandable OP. I'd feel the same with a relative trying to steamroller me when I was very vulnerable & go behind my back to my partner when I'd said no Thats inherently selfish, unkind, controlling & manipulative behaviour. If that's their usual MO, for your own wellbeing I'd be very firm on keeping a healthy distance going forward.

Seline Tue 19-Feb-19 08:28:45

Thank you. It's very alien to me to feel like this! DH agreed the person was out of line but thinks I'm being a bit silly by holding a grudge. It's not a choice though I genuinely feel utter rage towards them. Everything they do annoys me now. The phrase boils my piss has never been more accurate than here!

I wonder if it'll go, in time. I do feel a bit peeved at DH because he seems to think it's a mild problem and I'm overreacting!

Seline Tue 19-Feb-19 08:29:57

And yes this person is usually quite forceful and controlling. I'd never gone up against them before as our contact is fairly minimal, but I think they expected to be able to just walk all over me and were taken aback by my refusal to allow it.

Seline Tue 19-Feb-19 08:45:20

And yes this person is usually quite forceful and controlling. I'd never gone up against them before as our contact is fairly minimal, but I think they expected to be able to just walk all over me and were taken aback by my refusal to allow it.

PandaSky Fri 01-Mar-19 14:52:20

You have a lot of anger and fury OP. With your MIL on your other thread and also this person? Or is this another thread about your MIL? Either way it's not healthy but you only seem to write about it on here and not get any help in real life.

PotolBabu Fri 01-Mar-19 15:10:25

Is this about your MIL again? It’s fine if it is. But this is the fourth or fifth thread I have read where as I understand it your Asian in laws have either tried to insist they come over or in the last instance your MIL was waiting with your mum and DH in the recovery room. You have a LOT of anger over the birth of your premature twins and I think a lot of it is rightly or wrongly directed at your MIL. As a preemie mum of a 26 weeker I would say that it might be helpful to get professional help at this stage because I am beginning to think it is less about your in laws and who may have offended you at this vulnerable moment than it is about the long term consequences of that birth.

ILoveBray Fri 01-Mar-19 16:35:53

Now that the OPs other thread has filled up to the max, I'm waiting for the next one to appear.

Which the OP will constantly update despite 'having a 3 year old and twins'.

It's always twins hmm

PandaSky Fri 01-Mar-19 17:53:48

Well given OP has started 20+ AIBU threads since Jan then i don't think we will be waiting long.

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