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To think when you agree to meeting up with one person, you only agree to meeting up with one person?

(235 Posts)
Prosaic Fri 08-Feb-19 14:59:41

I have a friend who I haven't seen for ages as she lives in a different town. She's going to be in town and we made plans to meet up tomorrow night. I get a message from her now saying 'Hope it's ok but I've invited X to come along too'. X is a friend we both know and who lives in my town but we've never hung out as a trio or anything and since I haven't seen this friend in a while I was really looking forward to catching up one-on-one. I don't know X that well either and so wouldn't feel comfortable talking about personal stuff in front of her. But she's already asked X it's presented as a fait accompli and I can't really tell her to uninvite X.

AIBU to think you don't just invite a 3rd person along to a pre-arranged catchup? She will be seeing X separately anyway so it's not like she's in town for one night only and needs to catch up with everyone all at once! I have another friend who often does this - you think you've agreed to a nice catchup and then all these other people are invited along. Am I being overly precious?

Mmmhmmm Fri 08-Feb-19 15:00:52

It's rude, I wouldn't go and tell her why.

Ragnarthe Fri 08-Feb-19 15:01:06

This annoys me too, YANBU

Prosaic Fri 08-Feb-19 15:09:27

I'm thinking about cancelling but don't want to seem petty. I know she doesn't see it as a big deal - she's very extroverted and will go along with anything. But I think the dynamics are very different with 3 people compared to 3 especially when you don't know the third person very well.

havingtochangeusernameagain Fri 08-Feb-19 15:11:07

Yes it annoys me too. YA deffo NBU.

howdoyoukeepawaveuponthesand Fri 08-Feb-19 15:11:37

There’s a similar thread about an OP who’s friend did this but with a holiday! Most agreed she should cancel and that the friend was out of order.

BogstandardBelle Fri 08-Feb-19 15:13:06

I have a friend who does this all the time. I hate it, and now I check beforehand if it’s going to be just the two of us or a group. She sometimes invited her husband along too!

Prosaic Fri 08-Feb-19 15:14:42

Oh, and she just created a group chat with the 3 of us saying 'can't wait to see you both tomorrow night!' It just goes from bad to worse. I can't really back out now, can I confused

Sukochicha Fri 08-Feb-19 15:15:06

“Oh, I was lookkkg forward to having a catch up just the two of us. It’s quite a different dynamic as a trip especially as x and I don’t really know each other. Is it possible to revert back to the original plan?”

Prosaic Fri 08-Feb-19 15:24:36

That would be good @Sukochicha but now that she's created the group chat I don't think she can uninvite the 3rd person. So I guess I'll just have to back out or suck it up and go.

lifestooshortandsoami Fri 08-Feb-19 15:27:52

Yanbu one of my closest friends does this a lot! I suspected it was me being antisocial but this thread is showing me that it is actually rude and not just me thinking it's odd. If they asked before asking the other person it'd be a little bit better but it's when they've already done it!

TheTitOfTheIceberg Fri 08-Feb-19 15:30:53

I agree it's rude to invite #3 without checking with you beforehand that you'd be okay with it, and I'd be a bit annoyed at my plans for a nice 1-2-1 night out having been unilaterally changed so YANBU.

Having said that, if you go along and try to keep an open mind about the evening, you might find that you have a good time even if you can't talk about as much personal stuff as you planned, and you may come away with a closer friendship with #3 which, as you don't say anything about her being an awful person, may be a positive thing?

Aprilshowersarecomingsoon Fri 08-Feb-19 15:31:07

Can you also take a plus one?

EmeraldShamrock Fri 08-Feb-19 15:31:25

Some friends are not interested in one to one meet ups to discuss personal things.
It is annoying if you're the opposite. It sounds like she is looking to having a night on the tiles.
Does she socialise often, if not maybe she thinks it is s good opportunity to see both of her friends on a night out.
I prefer a group meet up as I go out rarely.

Butchyrestingface Fri 08-Feb-19 15:33:55

That would pee me off. Can you take plus five? Preferably people she’s never met.

RuggyPeg Fri 08-Feb-19 15:34:51

It's really rude and I would definitely back out, regardless of how committed you might feel. I'd just say, sorry, will have to duck out, something's come up, hope you enjoy your night. If she asks why, I'd tell her.

myhouseistoocold Fri 08-Feb-19 15:35:04

You mention that she's an extrovert - they don't see things in the same way. I'm sure she isn't being rude, she probably just genuinely thinks it's fun to get everyone together.

You have to be quite specific with these types of people. It's too late now but next time say up front 'Can we keep it to just the two of us, it'd be great to catch up with you 1:1 this time'.

Extroverts don't usually see the whole thing about the dynamic nor understand that you can have better quality conversations 1:1.

I have a wonderful friend who always invites the most random selection of people to her dinner parties or holidays. I still love her to bits but recognise that she is never going to get 'dynamics'.

ShatnersWig Fri 08-Feb-19 15:38:42

I have a friend who regularly did this. Pisses me off no end. She stopped doing it after several of us told her it drove us mad inviting weird people along (and seriously, they always were) whom we don't know.

Whywonttheyletmeusemyusername Fri 08-Feb-19 15:40:45

A friend of mine did this to me once. And only once. I made it clear i wasn't happy about the 3rd person and sat there in silence the whole time. The 3rd person made her excuses and left early. Mutual friend never did it again. Yes...very petty I know. You could do the same OP.....or take a few more people with you, as a previous PP suggested grin

swingofthings Fri 08-Feb-19 15:44:02

I have some friends who do that and it really annoys me. The excitement of mn eeting with one close friends is to discuss things you wouldn't otherwise with friends you are not as close to.

I now think if it's OK to invite someone else without asking, its OK for me to cancel too.

NoWayNoHow Fri 08-Feb-19 15:44:20

YANBU, OP - this winds me up so much, especially when I don't find out until I actually arrive somewhere. It's so rude!

I would probably suck it up this time so you don't look churlish, but after the evening probably mention to her that you'd really rather be asked if an evening with the two of you is going to turn into something else.

AGHHHH Fri 08-Feb-19 15:44:34

Yanbu. Take your entire family with you. "the more the merrier, right?!?!?!"

TaimaandRanyasBestFriend Fri 08-Feb-19 15:46:56

I can't really back out now, can I

Of course you can, you're an adult, she's not your boss or your keeper. Grow a spine. I hate people who do this. It's fucking rude. You just message exactly what Ruggy said. Leave it at that.

If she asks you on the chat you just repeat it. 'I can't make it anymore.'

If she messages your privately you tell her the truth.

Nothing to do with being an extrovert, it's inconsiderate to do this.

HeathRobinson Fri 08-Feb-19 15:48:03

You're coming down with that awful cold that's doing the rounds in the office, aren't you?

ALongHardWinter Fri 08-Feb-19 15:49:58

I hate this too. I had a friend years ago who would arrange for us to meet up,then turn up with her latest boyfriend! I think that that is even worse than turning up with another girl friend.

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