sleepover at DD's friend's smokey house

[sunshineNdaisies]

DD has been invited to a sleepover at one of her friends. Nice girl. the dad seems a nice guy but DD is unsure of the friend's dad's GF.

DD has stayed over there before. She says they were sharing a single bed and the two dogs slept on top of them. Also both the dad and GF are heavy smokers. DD didn't like this and came home reeking of smoke.

DD is not keen to stay over again because she couldn't really sleep properly. She says the dad smoked outside but the GF smoked indoors and ignored them most of the time. GF had friends over and they were sitting around smoking and drinking wine and taking over the TV so the girls couldn't watch TV (no tv in bedroom)

They invited DD to stay over this weekend. We made excuses that we had plans. Now DD's friend has asked about next weekend instead. DD said she'd ask us but doesn't really want to go.

AIBU? I may have to be honest but it's awkward, I don't like to cause any embarrassment or upset. What should I say?

[Fantasisa]

Invite the friend to your house instead? My best friend’s parents smoked in the house and whenever I came back from a sleepover my mum would have a bath ready for me and would wash everything I had worn and taken with me. It stinks!

[madrose]

why not invite the friend over to yours?

[Mumof1DS]

Be honest re the cigarette smoke. It's unhealthy for the children to be around. It will be an awkward moment, but better in the long run for your daughter. Can you have the friend round yours instead so they still get time together?

[NoSquirrels]

How old are they?

[Chocolatecoffeeaddict]

I would just make an excuse everu time they asked her to stay over and ask her to sleepover at yours instead if possible. I wouldn't like this either.

[newcupcake]

I just wouldn't let my child go somewhere they would be passively smoking. I know it's awkward but invite them to your house and try and avoid !!

[sunshineNdaisies]

they are 10

the friend is here a lot, including sleepovers - we've tried that suggestion a lot

so its becoming harder to make excuses not to let DD go to theirs

[NoSquirrels]

I think if your DD doesn’t want to go you need to help her tell her friend why... and make clear the invite to yours is always open.

[SaucyJack]

I don’t think the 10 year old friend needs to know. I expect she’s already keenly aware that her father’s GF has turned her family home into an adult environment where she’s treated as an irrelevance.

How well do you know the Dad? Is he a decent sort who’s likely to be able to deal with a bit of straight talking?

[sunshineNdaisies]

I've met the dad about 3 times. He seems nice enough. I know the mum better (they are separated). The mum no longer smokes. I have no issue with DD going to the mum's house. The dad has the friend every second weekend.

[mindutopia]

No way, and I’d just be honest and let them no way. It’s horrible to smoke around someone else’s child and I’d seriously question their judgement. It’s not the 70s anymore when people had no clue how dangerous that is.

[Seniorcitizen1]

I would not allow any child of mine to have a sleep over in a house reeking of smoke

[madroid]

Oh dear it's v difficult. The smoking wouldn't bother me too much tbh I don't think it'll create too much harm in the long run.
But the environment as a whole doesn't sound good. Poor DDs friend.
Maybe your dd can develop a problem (mental or physical) that means she has to sleep at home?

[RedPandaMama]

I have a friend whose mum smoked about 80 a day inside the house. She also used to let us drink from 14 so we used to sleep there every weekend. Always came home reeking of smoke and everything I'd had on including trainers had to go straight in the washing machine when I got home.

Still friends with the girl now and feel bad for her because now she says how self conscious she used to feel when everything she wore used to reek of smoke when she lived at home. We never thought to invite her to ours and wish we had now.

[GiveMeAllTheGin8]

No way would I allow this.
Say that the smoke irritates your dd so she won't be staying but invite the friend to yours.
If you don't want to say that, tell him that your dd has started sleep walking and safer if she is at home!

[GinZing]

If my DD didn’t want to stay over then that would be the answer for me. The whole environment is the issue obviously but I your DD doesn’t want to stay then that’s what I’d be focusing on as a reason, so something like “ DD is a bit of a home bird and isn’t keen on staying away from home overnight sorry”. Otherwise the invitations will keep coming.

[NoSquirrels]

I actually think it's a bit easier if she's only there every second weekend. Can you not support your DD to say to her friend that she'd rather come to her mum's house for a sleepover instead? Is that an option?

Otherwise you'll need to be honest with the dad -"My DD was really bothered by the cigarette smoke in the house and she couldn't really sleep properly. So she'd rather not have a sleepover at the moment but your DD is welcome to ours."

Shouldn't be a cause of upset or embarassment.

[Laureline]

No - and I would explain (politely of course) why, offering to have the othe other girl over instead.
Her dad may be “nice” but he doesn’t seem to give a toss about his little girl’s health and comfort when GF is around.

[Missingstreetlife]

Your daughter is being used to entertain her friend because dad can't be bothered, and puts gf first.
He should spend time with his child, sleepovers are ok but not every time you have contact at this age. Later friends are everything but he should be playing board games, reading, watching films, eating pizza, cooking with, talking to his dd.
Poor child won't want to go to dads much longer. I would speak to the mother as well

[onlyk]

It’s not the 70s everybody excepts that second hand smoke can cause health issues. I would be honest with dad (don’t need to involve the kids) and say I don’t want my daughter in a smoking environment.

I’m mildly asthmatic and being around smokers for any period of time impacts me for days wouldn’t even consider staying overnight with someone who smokes in their home.

[minniebow]

Ugh I can’t stand people that refuse to smoke outside when they have guests stay over. Was 25 weeks preg when I had to put up with exFIL and his wife smoking like chimneys. They even had the cheek to tell me to go stand outside whilst they smoked! Why is it so hard to go outside for 12 hours or so? It may be their own house and they can do what they want etc. But having respect for guests isn’t hard and children should be treated better. I’d mention it to the parents and subtly say their child will end up losing a friend if they prioritise smoking over them

[AnnieAnoniMouse]

I would just tell DD to be honest with her friend. It’s a pretty good policy to learn young. Tactful honesty. ‘I like having sleepovers with you at your house with your mum, I like your Dad but because of the smoke I don’t like sleeping in his house - I’m really sorry. Do you want to come to mine or shall we ask your Mum if I can come next weekend/half to term’ or whatever.

I wouldn’t speak to the Dad, his DD can do that IF she wants to, if not, the girls can work around it.

[BrokenWing]

ds has a friend he is not allowed to stay over with again due to a couple of things that happened during his first and last sleepover there. Very few of his friends are allowed to sleep over again either.

I tell ds he isn't allowed to sleep over there as I don't trust his friends mums judgement. If his friend asks them to sleep over ds just says I'm not allowed to and if his friend asks why he either said he didn't know or its because we went out to play in the dark at 11pm unsupervised last time. Friend has stopped asking, but does come and stay with us occasionally.

I don't think there is anything wrong with your dd saying the smoke makes her feel ill so can she stay when she's at her mums instead or the friend come to you?

[SundayGirls]

Do you feel able to raise the smoking issue with him?

He might want to assure you that he smokes outside and the GF smoking inside was a "one off" and kind of remove that reason (whether it actually happens or not is a different matter).

Would your DD want to go if there was a smoke-free environment? Or is it that she feels uncomfortable there even if they were non-smokers?

Personally I would say firmly that DD is going though a phrase where she'd rather have friends to stay at hers at the moment and invite the girl over to yours instead. You need to support and protect your DD not worry about the dad's feelings (although of course no need to upset the apple cart unnecessarily if your DD and the girl are good friends). I just mean keep making the excuses endlessly and firmly if that's what suits you and DD best.