Night feeds 2 parents who does What?

[Hisnamesblaine]

Following on from my previous thread when I was introducing the dream feeds.......... my DH and I have just had the mother of all fights. So s not to drip feed I'll lay out the facts now. He works 9/5 mon-fri. I'm on mat leave. I get kid no.1 to school and during the day tend to kid no.2 plus housework etc. I do the school pick up and arrange dinner And help with homework. I 90% do the dishes general tidying etc then bath time. We take.it in turns to put kid1 to bed. Occasionally I might have a couple of hours of sleep between 8pm until 10/11 then I sleep with baby in the lounge in order to let DH sleep uninterrupted upstairs. I get our bed nd room on Friday night which I really.look forward to! I am happy with the arrangement and we have ticked along fine. That was until LAST WEEK when I introduced the dream.feeds. getting baby up to have a bottle between 11pm and 12pm. All hell has broke loose today because he went up to bed at 10. I naturally assumed he would do it. He thinks 12 is too late to go to bed. But it's still a good 6/7 hour block of sleep for him. Whether I'm lucky if I get 3 hours uninterrupted. I accused him of not getting on board with the dream feeds as it meant he would definitely have to do at least one feed every night. Whether before hand it was just luck of the drawer as to whether or not the baby would wake. I don't know why but I've been crying for the past hour as I feel so hurt he's not backing me up. He explained if he were on mat leave he would DREAM of making me do it if I wanted to sleep. But I honeslty think he's got a good thing going. Speaking to other parents I know they all sleep in the same room as baby so by default both get woken when baby stirs. It's quite possible I'm in the wrong. Please be gentle with me if I am. I suppose I'm still in the new born haze and I can't think straight. I'm interested to see what's the mumsnetters be live to be a fair distribution of jobs regarding the kids.

[Hisnamesblaine]

Sorry no paragraphs. Typed it out on my phone

[Welshmaiden85]

He sounds terrible. My husband wasn’t perfect (he is a very deep sleeper) and I BF but he did every last feed with expressed milk for over a year and did one full night (or as much as I could wait with BF!) with expressed milk each week. I think he has a totally warped idea of what caring for a baby/child is like if he thinks his precious sleep is totally sacrosanct but you have to sleep on the sofa. I’m livid for you and I don’t even know you!

[Celebelly]

I think he is being very unreasonable. You've been sleeping in the lounge so he can get a proper night's sleep, and I don't think a dream feed at 11pm is too much to ask. Midnight is hardly that late for someone who works 9-5 unless he has a three-hour commute. Personally I'd have sent him to the lounge if he wanted to sleep separately.

It sounds like he's basically had zero disruption to his sleeping pattern this entire time. He's had a bloody good run!

[Hisnamesblaine]

I should point out I'm on the sofa.as we don't have a spare room unfortunately. Also baby is.on formula.....I couldn't BF so expressed what I could the first month then he went exclusively bottlefed.

[madeoficecream]

YANBU

Im a SAHM and my husband works 13 hr days and has to get up at 5am quite often...

We have a 3 month old and 3 year old. The 3 month old is exclusively breastfed on demand and can wake every two hours some nights (although on others may sleep a stretch of 6 hours)

We just both do what we can when we can tbh.... we do have a spare room and if one of us is overly tired they might go for a nap for a couple of hours when they can in the spare room...

But for the most part we sleep in the same room and I get up every two hour or so to feed the baby through the night.... but if the baby wont settle again after feeding then my husband will get up and rock the baby etc to settle her whilst I sleep even if he has work in the morning.
You both created the baby so you both help out in my opinion!
You arent having a holiday whilst hes at work... you have that newborn to look after all day and its incredibly tiring... just as tiring as paid work (unless you are one of the rare lucky few whos baby sleeps 90% of the time) Especially with two children!

If it wasnt all hands on deck here when my husband is here I dont know what id do!! He doesnt get a free pass because hes been at work... and I dont think he would ever expect one because he realises how intense newborn babies are...

[Hisnamesblaine]

His commute is 20/30 minutes dependant on traffic

[PossibiliTea]

Hmm I wouldn’t be happy with this arrangement

I generally do the housework and cooking along with looking after LO as I’m on mat leave, however still tend to do most of the feeds too APART from the very early morning one. If LO doesn’t wake for a feed then DH sleeps through.

He will occasionally do the last one but I generally do only because of the routine of the day (for example if he’s home late from work or LO needs a feed before he’s home etc)

I know if something changed though and LO needed more night feeds or a dream feed DH would help out,so I do think your DH is being unreasonable

[bluetrampolines]

Yes. He should get up. Please remind him that you grew another human being in your body. Please feel free to also tell him that i threw my stbxh out for no taking my need for sleep seriously. I am getting divorced.

[Celebelly]

His commute is 20/30 minutes dependant on traffic

Then he's having a laugh. Our baby isn't due till Feb but my DP, who works same hours with same commute, has already said he wants to do what he can overnight. I'm planning to BF but he's asked what else he can do - help get us settled, get me a drink, nappy change, etc - to help out. And he would be the one going to sleep on the sofa. Heck, he does that now at weekends if he wants to stay up late and I'm tired, just so he doesn't disturb me when he comes to bed at 2am or whenever.

[PinkAvocado]

It’s different as we have a spare room to use but with both of ours, I have done all night feeds (breast feeds) and slept in a different room with the baby so he could sleep a full night. It’s been my choice but he has a fairly long commute and I didn’t want his work to suffer in case that caused issues at work.

[PossibiliTea]

Ice cream is right though and this is definitely how it worked for us for the first couple of months and still is really we just do whatever works and all hands on deck.

Especially early morning explosions

[Hisnamesblaine]

It really feels like.we don't communicate any more. Could be part of a bigger problem.
We werent in a good place when I fell pregnant so it wasn't the happy occasion I Would have hoped for when I told him. I suppose on subconscious level I feel he wasn't s keen to have baby no.2 and rightly or wrongly I feel HE feels slightly differently towards the baby. Don't get me wrong he goes thru the motions and takes him out for walks etc alone but something tells.me he would have been quite happy to just have had one child

[ValiaH]

He is unreasonable. Dh works m-f, 9-5. I am a sahm. In our house- I am cosleeping with our 18mo, dh sleeps either on a fold out mattress in the office or a spare bed in the older 2 kids room if theyve decided to share a bed. I am still breastfeeding so up between 1 and 4 times a night (teething baby). We share chores and on weekends we both do the other housework together. He takes the kids about 5 mins after he gets home while I cook dinner. He takes the baby at 7am so I get an extra few mins on my own to rest. Generally we split everything between us, he would never expect to be put first in regards to sleep, if anything he recognises that him getting solid nights sleep means I get weekend lie ins. It sounds like you need a frank discussion about your roles and how things are divided at the moment in your household.

[HenryMouse]

Baby slept in same room but DH didn’t wake. He would sleep through an earthquake. I had to wake him. I am terrible at getting back to sleep, DS can do it instantly, so sleep was always going to be an issue for me.

However, DH was working Mon-Fri and I wasn’t and no other children. So I could snatch naps in the day, baby willing.

Our routine for night feeds was simple, two nights on and two nights off. We found alternate nights didn’t work. It would only take one thing on your ”night off” to disturb you and you were days without a decent block of sleep. We’d be panicking thinking I have to sleep, this is my night off! But two nights respite gave us time to relax without the thought we had to be on duty the next night iyswim!

I was pumping milk and sometimes (because I was awake anyway, to wake DH) I’d go and pump in the night while he fed DS. It was still relaxing knowing that if DS was awake for a couple of hours it wasn’t my job right then!

These days, no more night feeds, I put DS to bed (I’m better at it) and get up in the night if he’s wet, bad dream, whatever but DH does the early mornings. He has to be up to get ready for work anyway and if it’s a weekend he still does it because he is so much more of a morning person than me!

[JosellaPlayton]

Wow, I really feel for you, your DH is absolutely being unreasonable. I often went to bed early, DH always did the dream-feed at 10-11pm (there’s no harm in bringing it forward to 10-10.30pm if he’s tired), then I did the 2-3am night feed, which thankfully stopped at 6 weeks. Then he’d do first bottle of the morning whilst I got a bit more sleep.

[HenryMouse]

I wrote “DS can do it instantly” (get back to sleep). I wish! I meant DH!

[timeisnotaline]

You have really moved to the sofa with a baby?! If anyone moved to the sofa in our house it would be dh. But he is squished into our bed plus baby.
Why don’t you move back into the bed, suggest he check with friends as to the norm and you can renegotiate compromising when he is going to be part of the compromising.

[SeaToSki]

I think he should help with the dream feed or do breakfast and let you lie in a bit in the morning. Can you squeek the dream feed back to 10.30 then 10pm? Sleep deprivation is dreadful and both parents are better off being a little short on sleep than one completely deprived, if at all possible. Apart from anything else is a safety issue, you arent safe to drive if you are seriously sleep deeprived, its like when you suffer from sleep apnea.

[Hisnamesblaine]

Yeh to be fair I am really missing my bed. Sofa can be made into a sofa bed but it leaves very little room for the moses basket and I like it right beside me. I'm starting to think I'm a mug

[LeavesAFallin]

I do all the feeds as breastfeeding (DS is up at least 3 times a night). BUT DH sleeps downstairs during the week not the other way round!

He has a stressful job and needs to be alert so it's his choice to sleep downstairs - he looks after our other 2 DCs if they wake in the night though and gets them dressed in the morning before heading off at 7:30. Then helps with bedtime when gets home about 6/630.

IMO your OH could pick up a dream feed now & again though and sleep downstairs!!

I think when on mat leave, the nights are exhausting but I don't have to face a 'working day' and DHs income is vital (hence he needs to be focused). I don't get to sleep in the day as too much to do!

😴

[Mymomsbetterthanyomom]

I've always been a sahm and breastfed so that was never even a conversation.
But....If you are working too,then heck yeah he should be helping you!!

[HenryMouse]

Apart from anything else is a safety issue, you arent safe to drive if you are seriously sleep deeprived

I wasn’t even safe to walk. I would stand at the edge of the road trying to remember whether I should cross on green or red. Dangerous.

OP you need to explain to him that you will be ill if you carry on like this and then he won’t have the luxury of any worthwhile sleep at all.

[MrsTerryPratchett]

He explained if he were on mat leave he would DREAM of making me do it if I wanted to sleep.

So he would sleep on the sofa and let you have the bed? Bollocks he would. Why can't he sleep on the sofa and you and baby take the bedroom?

[ingenvillvetavardukoptdintroja]

Oh my goodness, can't believe you've been kicked out of bed!
I find the sleep division annoying, mine is in recovery from chronic fatigue so is paranoid about getting ill again if not getting enough sleep. I am bf so do all night wakings and he's a bit rubbish at getting up any earlier to help me BUT he does all toddler bedtimes and will quite often settle 2 month old in the evening and keep her quiet for a couple of hours so I can get some sleep from 8pm til 11 ISH.
We're lucky to have a spare bed he can escape to if baby's having a bad night but he wants to be in same bed really. He would Def be the one on sofa if that was our only alternative.
I sometimes wish mine had a dad friend who could explain to mine that he's got a good deal as he genuinely thinks he is doing more than necessary and like you, we struggle to discuss this - it goes straight to a row and then he normally helps more afterwards. It's so frustrating. Is there maybe someone who can explain to him how selfish he's being?

[mediumbrownmug]

I EBF our baby, and DH also stayed up to watch over us to make sure I didn't fall asleep and we weren't unsafe. Then he'd have the baby in the mornings before work to let me get a bit of rest. This was in spite of him working long hours and doing at least half of the housework. He's far from perfect (aren't we all?) but he didn't have to be asked to pull his weight. You don't sound happy with the arrangement you and your husband have, so it would be worth having another chat with him about it.