AIBU over asking for reassurance about contact?

[MrsPepperpot79]

My EXH is due to have our 2 DDs for their first overnight soon. (They are 8 - no overnights until now as not been reliable/had a flat or house etc until now). His new GF has just messaged to ask if she can pick them up as EXH is not sure when he'll finish work, and it means her DCs can spend time with mine.

For reference to avoid any drip feed - EXH and his new GF are not living together, and I have been told my DDs will be staying at EXH's new place. He is also not contacting me himself - new partner is doing it all. The two sets of kids have met about 4 times, and last time my youngest came back saying she didn't like new GF's eldest. DDs not seen EXH since April - again due to him not bothering, not because I refused contact.

I feel a bit conflicted. On the one hand, new GF is nice, she's making a real effort which I appreciate (she has organised contact, EXH new house, facilitated the passing of messages etc - not because I am being difficult, but EXH just doesn't bother) so I have no issues with her collecting, BUT i also think this should be time for DDs and their father rather than his GF's kids and mine to play, and that i should just say i'd rather he did it (i'll be honest, I suspect they'll end up sleeping over at her place or her parent's place, not with EXH). But if I do that, then not only do I look petty and difficult but it means I get to hang around all day waiting for him to collect DD's when I should be out with my DP and our DD.

AIBU to say she can do it, but ask reassurance that they will be sleeping at EXH's place to have quality time together - they haven't seen him since April after all.

[Storm4star]

Seem's fair to me. I don't think you're being at all unreasonable. It's meant to be contact with their dad, not a play date.

[Aprilshouldhavebeenmyname]

Not know to defend exh at all but maybe he is thinking if its fun with other dc around it won't be awkward for any of them? April was a while ago and he likely feels shit (as he should) and has enlisted gf to assist. Ime having the gf as an ally not an enemy is very beneficial to the dc. And your peace of mind when exh doesn't communicate as he should, likely she will - again ime.

[Aprilshouldhavebeenmyname]

And legally speaking where he has the dc sleep is not your business. As in if he chooses for them to sleep at her place, not suggesting a drug den would be OK.

[LemonBreeland]

I think you can phrase it nicely and seem reasonable. I certainly think you are reasonable.

I would say that as the girls have not seen their father for a couple of months that it would be better/more comfortable for them that he picked them up. If you want to be super nice, you can add that it's not that you have a problem with her.

I'm sad for your DDs that they won't end up having their first over night with their Dad actually at his house and getting attention from him.

[Birdsgottafly]

I think the effort should come from him.

Perhaps contact is happening because she doesn't like him not seeing his Kids, but that never ends well.

He should be moving towards being an equal Parent. finding out what time he finishes and coming to pick his children up.

They need that stability. They don't need to be with children who've seen their Dad more than they have, children can be mean, you don't know how well supervised they are going to be.

Tbh, it needs to come to a head, is he arsed or isn't he?

[Allthewaves]

I think I'd leave it this time and see how it pans out. It's early days.

[MrsPepperpot79]

Thanks for the responses.

I suspect she is pushing him - certainly all other times he has seen them has been when his current GF pushes him, and when they split/he starts out with a new one the contact disappears. I don't know if he cant be arsed or whether he misses a few months, feels guilty and then hides rather than face up to being slack. Either way, not good for kids.

He has never been an equal parent - I know in his line of work you can get stupid busy periods (including over weekends), but other parents manage EOW - and he can book time to go on holiday/off to gigs apparently...

[Jimdandy]

I wouldn’t micro manage the situation. I would let her pick them up and sleep where they want etc. The kids will soon decide and see for themselves where his priorities lie.

[AForegoneConclusion]

I think you can ask that -she sounds like a nice person who is trying her best. It actually sounds from your posts they would be better off with her around as he can't be arsed! You could start by thanking her for being so accommodating and friendly and then you won't come across as the bitter ex trying to put the boot in (which you are in no way!). I agree that he needs to sort his shit out though and be a parent, and he needs to be the one making contact, not his new GF however nice she is.

[MrsPepperpot79]

Thanks - will go gently and let her collect and see how it pans out...

[MrsPepperpot79]

Just to say, reassurance isn't that gf won't be there or anything like that, more that I want to know where they will be in case of emergency etc. Not bothered where, as long as I know...