How to help someone that doesn’t want to be helped

[Username8634721]

NC as previous posts may be outing and do not want the following post associated with me IRL. Apologies in advance for length, and not really being an AIBU, but I need advice urgently.

DH lost his DF almost 2 years ago. They were very close, as close as a father and son could possibly be. Best friends and spent a lot of time together. DF died suddenly, alone, and in pain (freak accident but I don’t want to give details here as it would be outing), and DH has struggled with his grief ever since. It’s been very hard for him.

I thought he was doing ok, but we had a small argument last night which resulted in DH storming out and driving around in his car for a few hours. We didn’t speak when he returned, and this morning I wanted to clear the air and asked him what was wrong. He burst into tears and became hysterical quite quickly, and said that he felt ripped apart inside and can no longer carry on without his dad. He said that last night whilst out driving he contemplated a number of times driving into a wall or something solid that would kill him instantly. He said he can’t cope being in pain like this, but the only thing stopping him doing it was the thought of leaving our DC without a father. DH isn’t a dramatic person, nor is he openly emotional, so for him to say this is extremely worrying.

Needless to say this has shocked me to my core. I had no idea he was suffering like this. Of course I know he’s grieving, but I was unaware that suicide was on the agenda. I’ve asked him to see his GP but he bluntly refused. He said no one understands and therefore no one can help him. There’s no changing his mind about seeking help.

My question is, how on earth can you make someone get help when they don’t want it? And for anyone who has ever felt such extreme grief that they’ve contemplated suicide, what could your loved ones have done to help you? I feel so completely helpless. He’s closed up on me again, and has been acting perfectly normal all afternoon, but I know inside he must be struggling.

I’ve felt upset and shaken all day, how are you supposed to be ok when someone you love dearly tells you they want to die? And OTOH I feel angry that he could even contemplate leaving me and DC. I’m such a mix of emotions I don’t know what to do. Can someone please help and give me advice?

[TokyoSushi]

Oh OP that sounds really tough, for you and a gentle bump, hopefully somebody will be along to help very soon

[MyOtherUsernameisaPun]

I am so sorry OP, this sounds terribly hard.

It might be that he wasn't ready for the suggestion of help in that moment but will be in time - he possibly even shocked himself with how overwrought he was in that moment and then just wanted to put it behind him as fast as he could. Maybe in a few days when the dust has settled you could try raising it with him again?

[RainySeptember]

I would hope any talk of suicide could be put to bed by reminding him that his own dc love and need him as much as he ever loved and needed his own father.

I don't think it's that unusual to feel such deep grief over the loss of a parent. I am of an age where lots of my friends have lost parents, and admit to such feelings even several years later. I think people just put a brave face on and tell everyone they're fine because they know everyone is bored by their sadness after a certain period of time. They can be more honest with people who have experienced it for themselves.

There's no magic bullet op. It is just time and distraction. There's help out there of course - counselling, support groups - but you can't make him take it, just be there, give him opportunities to talk about his dad, make sure he knows he doesn't have to pretend with you.

[Fizzymama]

Oh gosh OP that's so sad. Sending you As a first step, eveñ if he won't go to his GP can you make an appointment for yourself and speak to someone. They might be able to help you help him. Or provide you with some support.
2 years isn't a long time, he is still grieving, perhaps this has been intensified this weekend as it's fathers day (if in UK) - is it close to the anniversary of his death?

[ShesABelter]

My mum was in this situation last year with her partner. She called the doctor and made an appointment, he wouldnt go so his sons went and told the doctor everything. The doctor called and asked him to go in and see her for a chat and he went.

Shes also called the crisis team against his will when suicidal and they said she absolutely done the right thing. This all started when his mum passed away. Hes on the right medication now and doing great.

Personally if it were my husband, id call suicide prevention helpline immediately for advice. Im sorry you are all going through this.

[Username8634721]

Shesabelter- I’m going to call the helpline first thing tomorrow when he leaves for work. He’ll be very angry with me for contacting them but I don’t know what else to do

[ShesABelter]

My dh just reminded me. My brother in law was the same and two months ago I said to my sister you need to make a docs appointment and tell him he is going for the sake of the children and shes going with him. Its nothing to be ashamed of to need help for your mental health youd go for any other physical illness and you owe it to your children to get help for anything thats affecting your health and well being. She got an emergency appointment the next day. He is on anti depressants and is feeling really good finally.

[Mellifera]

I’m sorry, this must be so hard.

He said the children kept him from killing himself. I’d take this and use it to make him see, they don’t just need him alive, they need him alive and well.
I’d find a good therapist (maybe trauma therapist), you may have to go private to get an appointment soonish, and tell him you’ll come with him if he wants.
He does not want the GP involved and going private could be the answer, at least for now.
He does need help, urgently.
I understand you’re angry, he’s in an extreme situation and is looking for ways to end the pain. He needs to be shown there are ways to end this pain without it being irreversible. Good luck.

[AJPTaylor]

in my circle twice has there been an occaision where there was real concern for mental/physical harm etc.
in the first instance it was mental health. i went to gp and shared. second time my sil wrote to the persons gp(it was a nephew). when i went to gp they gave me some really useful information about what could be done to help. i took this to the person and explained how worried i was, how understanding gp was and told them i had made them an appt.
the second one, the gp did a home visit the day he got the letter but dnephew was prob classed as a vulnerable adult.

[Username8634721]

If I make an appointment I’m 99% sure he will refuse to go. I gently suggested speaking to GP about medication just to help him through this dark period and he refused.

I don’t know what else I can do for him. I hate the idea that he’s feeling suicidal and I didn’t know anything about it.

[ShesABelter]

He will be angry without a doubt but you know that its for his own good and once he gets the help he needs and is feeling better he will thank you for it. Have you tried asking him to consider if the roles were reversed and you just told him what he has told you about considering suicide what would he do? Feeling suicidal is a medical emergency. Theres such a stigma with men around it but its nothing to be ashamed of. No one even needs to know except you hes been.

[Username8634721]

If I got a GP to call him or home visit I think he would just deny that he’s depressed and say he’s ok. He doesn’t like people to see a weak side of him. I could see it was hard enough even telling me how low he’s been feeling. It’s highly unlikely he’ll admit that to a stranger.

[Username8634721]

I’m so scared of the high male suicide rates. I don’t want him to become part of that statistic.

[Miladamermalada]

Has he got a good male friend you could get to support him? Not explicitly, but a kind of 'down the pub' companion who he could identify with?

[KeepServingTheDrinks]

Can I recommend Cruse? I hope i've added a link. They deal with berevement support, so they WILL know where your DH is coming from, and they give support over the phone so he wouldn't have to leave the house.

So sorry for his loss.

www.cruse.org.uk/bereavement-services/get-help

[ShesABelter]

It must be upsetting thinking of him in that frame of mind..you have already done something for him. You have been there to listen and for him to confide his feelings too. My bil refused the docs for awhile until my sister had been mentioning it awhile and he eventually gave in when she said what id wrote above. I think calling suicide prevention for advice first is best and see how they advise you broach it.

[ShesABelter]

Him admitting his feelings is the first step to getting help. Lots of men never admit a thing to anyone and its too late. So see that as a a positive that he has opened up and realises its an issue.

[Username8634721]

Keepservingthedrinks- I used cruse myself when I experienced a similar loss recently and they were fantastic. I mentioned them at the time to DH and suggested he get in touch (as I knew he was still grieving but didn’t realise how bad it was) but he wasn’t interested. He’s generally very quiet and doesn’t offer much information about himself unless asked. Talking therapy just won’t ever be appealing to him.

[Passingwords]

OP I'm so sorry to hear this. Could you write down all of your feelings and give it to him to read and come to you when he's ready? Could some of the help lines provide literature for you to give to him to read and help to coax him into opening up a bit more? Although you could probably strangle and cuddle him in equal measure- might a snuggle at night and telling him not to leave you all prompt conversation?

[Gruffalina72]

The samaritans have excellent advice on how to support someone feeling suicidal:

www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help-you/what-speak-us-about/if-you’re-worried-about-someone-else/what-should-i-do-if-i

www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help-you/what-speak-us-about/if-you’re-worried-about-someone-else

Having been in his shoes, I can recommend the samaritans advice.

I had a lot of thoughts and feelings like his after losing a parent. They were a way of surviving pain that felt unsurvivable - for as long as I felt that there was a way for my pain to end, I felt able to get through another day without them. It was like the comfort of knowing you have a fire exit in a building.

I often thought about it when the loss was overwhelming and I felt in so much pain it was shocking that I could still be alive. It didn't seem possible to experience so much pain and not die. I felt like my world had ended. I didn't want my future life without them.

Hearing people say "it gets easier" didn't help. It doesn't. It gets more painful, and more difficult, but importantly the pain becomes less raw. It feels less like it's eating you from the inside out. It does become survivable. Although I know that's little comfort now. Grieving is a long, hard process, and 2 years is hardly any time at all.


It's positive he told you what was going through his mind. Remember he told you they were thoughts, not plans. It's still serious, of course, but the fact they were only thoughts and that he told you about them is a positive sign. Telling you is a way of seeking support, and probably an attempt to protect himself from acting.

This is a really scary thing to talk about, as much as it is to hear. It took me months to speak to a doctor. It may take him time to be able to talk about it. It's also worth bearing in mind that they may have been fleeting thoughts at a time of significant distress, rather than something that is plaguing his every waking hour.

Medication doesn't zap away suicidal feelings, especially when they're as a result of something like this. But there are ways to support someone, even if they don't want to talk about it, so please don't despair. In general terms, the things that help people are being connected to other people and having meaning and positive experiences in their day to day lives. As well as reducing stressors and sources of pain.

I understand why this is really frightening for you, but going down the line of trying to guilt trip him won't be helpful.

• They're suicidal because they're in pain; guilt won't take away the pain.
  
• Most people who are suicidal believe their loved ones will be better off without them; arguing is unlikely to change that.
  
• being in this much pain isn't a choice they're making; it's their level of pain that needs to be addressed, being suicidal isn't about "making the wrong choice". When it's happening to you, it's like the "choice" between jumping from a burning building, or being burned alive.
  
• if you're already feeling that anguished, being told that you're an awful person for trying to stop your pain only increases the turmoil and desperation. It's like being given confirmation the world will be better without you in it.

[dangermouseisace]

Hi OP you must be so shocked.

Does your DH have any other symptom so if depression? No-one can diagnose over the internet, but the ‘no-one understands, no-one can help, I’m miserable because of [insert life event here] drugs/talking won’t help that’ sounds like me when severely clinically depressed. If he is depressed, he might not be able to make rational decisions and if so maybe someone else saying this it doesn’t have to be like this, you’re going to the dr, might be a good idea. If he is depressed, it’s a bit like you don’t realise how awful or irrational things were til you’re feeling better.

Grief lasts a long time but Tom be be feeling suicidal 2 years later is beyond normal sadness. He doesn’t have to feel like this, there are things that can be done, but maybe you might have to organise it.

[dangermouseisace]

Argh typos ahoy. I’m not pissed, sorry.

[Stefoscope]

I think Samaritans also offer support via e-mail, maybe he would find that easier initially than having to speak to someone.

[Username8634721]

Thank you Gruffulina, that’s very helpful. I did say to him that it’ll get easier in time, but I can see now that doesn’t help at all - the pain he is feeling is right now and that’s what he needs help with.

I don’t want to guilt trip him. I want him to feel as good as he possibly can whilst grieving, and telling him that the DC need their dad will just add to his stress. Is it just a case of trying to help him focus on more positive things in his life, such as hobbies, interests, etc? He did say he feels better when his thoughts are on other things, but I can’t do that for him 100% of the time.

[Weezol]

This is an outstanding organisation. Run by men for men who know and understand some men won't/can't open up emotionally.

www.thecalmzone.net