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AIBU?

Husband can't tell the difference between moaning to and moaning at

19 replies

Tmtiger · 25/04/2018 23:56

He literally doesn't know the difference. Due to mental health problems I've been working from home, which is obviously great my work has been so accepting and I know alot of people are not.

But because I work from home my life and I have few friends where we live I don't get out much. So my day is basically being answerable to work or answerable to him and our family. I don't go out for drinks or coffee with friends so thats it really.

I was trying to explain my frustration to my husband last night, and he immediately got diffensive, my life style has caused this situation, he is very supportive His friends like me, he has helped arrange meet ups with me and his mates.

It was a long argument that upset me and I didn't understand. The next day I spoke to him and asked did you think I was saying my complaint was your fault. He said yes he did. I explsined I did not see it as his fault I was just explaining. Then we were fine.

This has happened multiple times where he can't tell the differencr between moaning at and moaning to.

Does anyone have any experience of this? How do you make it clear your are moaning to them rather than at them. Because to me it seems obvious!

OP posts:

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SandAndSea · 26/04/2018 00:02

Yes, me!!

I had to get in the habit of prefixing my ranting with something which made it clear I wasn't upset with him, I just needed to talk about it.

It took a few years but I think he's used to me now. Sometimes he even asks me, "Is this one of those times...?"

GwenStaceyRocks · 26/04/2018 00:05

My ex was like you. It's emotionally draining to be on the other side.
I also think responsibility lies with the speaker to make it clear where they're directing all the negative emotion. And to accept that some partners will find negative tirades difficult and akin to personal attacks.
I don't think friends are moaning at me when they're moaning to me. So I do think my ex was responsible for the dynamic when he 'moaned'.

Tmtiger · 26/04/2018 00:05

The thing is with my female mates I moan to them all the time, and they know. I get the sense men don't do it in the same way?

OP posts:

Onlyoldontheoutside · 26/04/2018 00:07

Men like to try and solve your problems when all you really need us someone to listen while you off load.

SandAndSea · 26/04/2018 00:10

We've also had numerous conversations where I explain to him that I'm talking about MY feelings and it's not about him and there's nothing for him to fix. He used to think both that it was about him and that I was expecting him to fix it somehow. It took a while for him to get that I just wanted to talk and share my feelings with him.

Another technique I used was to try to make it enjoyable sometimes, so me sharing my feelings wasn't always a, "Oh God! What now?!" situation for him.

FastWindow · 26/04/2018 00:12

This explains my husband's inability to differentiate between a random rant and an actual go at him. All rants are interpreted as goes at him. How are men so unable to tell the difference?

Super helpful post. I'll be preaching my work rants in future, for the poor dim-witted dh.

FastWindow · 26/04/2018 00:12

Not preaching. Prefacing.

Aquamarine1029 · 26/04/2018 00:15

That's unfortunate. My husband and I will both rant a blue streak sometimes about work but we both know it's just to let off steam. It's never anger directed to each other. We know that we are each other's sounding board. When we're done with our hissy fits we usually have a good laugh! It's great therapy.

Whyarealltheusernamestaken · 26/04/2018 00:18

It’s not just men, sometimes when someone is always down and complaining, even when you care, it’s just draining. Remember most humans aren’t trained therapists and if it effects you to the stage you talk about it often, it also effects him. If he loves you like it seems he does then your problems are in his mind his also

Tmtiger · 26/04/2018 00:23

I do think men communicate differently. So he can go a drink with a mate going through a divorce and I'll say how is so and so feeling about moving out, and he will say 'I don't know we didn't talk about' I think how is that possible?

OP posts:

BertieBotts · 26/04/2018 00:24

Get him to read the book How To Talk So Kids Will Listen obviously it's a parenting book but it has a shit hot description of how to do empathetic listening which works with absolutely anybody. Not in a shutting down discussion way but in a letting the person know you care/are listening way. And why trying to solve the problem, or being defensive in response are unhelpful or make the person feel attacked.

Stripybeachbag · 26/04/2018 00:31

I used to have a boyfriend like this. He was allowed to get angry at the world from time to time, but I wasn't. I wish to could say that I learnt how to not get in a fury about small stuff or he became more emphatic. No, we split up and just as well.

I am guessing it stems from his inability to solve the problem and getting angry at you for making him feel inadequate. Could this suggest deeper problems in your marriage regarding how valuable he feels and communication?

It is so tiring that some men need to treated with kid gloves. I feel your pain, but in other respects.

marymoosmum · 26/04/2018 00:50

I have this with my DM whenever I moan to her she says "what do you want me to do about it?" Im like "nothing, I just want you to listen to me vent before I explode!"

ReliefOfChaos · 26/04/2018 06:05

There's a big difference between A Shit Thing Happened/I Had a Shit Day moan and the all encompassing My Life is Shit/FML rant. The latter is hugely draining as others have said. Something shit happens I say "That's shit", but if you're life is shit I kind of thing "Well, do something about that." You don't get to rant to me that you're life is shit and have me not take it personally.

MyotherUsernameisaPun · 26/04/2018 06:50

I think it can be hard to tell the difference sometimes, especially when it's to a partner who probably feels some responsibility for your wellbeing. My DH is a problem solver and always looks for solutions, which can sound defensive when I just want to vent. I've taken to signposting by saying 'this isn't at all your fault but I am frustrated that...' and it has helped us a lot.

topcat2014 · 26/04/2018 06:59

How is it possible not to think "well, what do you want me to do about something" - otherwise what is the point of telling me?

Yes, by all means tell me about an event that was crap - parking wars or whatever - such is life.

But, if it is the generic "my life is shit" talk, then the answer is going to be - do something different then.

Otherwise - literally what is the point of making my evening shitty too?

can you tell I am male

Frouby · 26/04/2018 07:12

I kind of see your DPs point. My DP moans and whinges to me. I want him to be happy so I try and solve his problems. My friend moans at me too. I try and solve hers.

When people we are close to are sad and frustrated I think it's quite common to try and make them feel better. It might just be that the person wants to let off steam but it's common to want to solve their problems because we care.

hiddenmnetter · 26/04/2018 07:45

There's a big difference between A Shit Thing Happened/I Had a Shit Day moan and the all encompassing My Life is Shit/FML rant

Yep, 100%. “Oh I had a shit day at work my boss sucks and I didn’t sleep well.” I get it, work sometimes sucks donkey nuts, talk away.

“FML it’s all shit” well then I feel responsible as your husband for having provided you with such a spectacularly shit life. And yes, it feels like an attack at my failure to provide against your needs and wants. DW does it sometimes and I figure she’s learnt it from MIL who does this loads. It’s not even to me that she’s moaning and it’s fucking exhausting listening to it. I do my best to avoid it like the plague.

Storminateapot · 26/04/2018 08:13

My DH is exactly like this! Even if I'm ranting about something in the news he seems to take it that I'm personally having a go at him about it. He gets all 'rabbit in headlights' - his eyes widen and stare at me as if I am an alien and he completely shuts down. I can actually see the shutters come down in his eyes and then he goes completely silent, just staring at me.

Very infuriating. He can't distinguish between passionate opinion/debate and anger at all. I'm not an angry person, we hardly ever row and I rarely get angry actually 'at' him so I don't know why he does it.

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