Beginnig to despise my mother

[Hafa9141]

Lets start from the beginning.... when I was about 7, I became very poorly with epilepsy that was undiagnosed until I was about 9 and I was in and out of hospital for tests, scans, seizures, monitoring etc. My mum was obviously always with me and would even sleep in my bed with me as my seizures were always at night. Basically she was my carer until I was about 12 and we've always been very close and chatty with each other.
I am now 24 and in the last few years she just seems to snipe and dig at me and control me and judge me and hurt my feelings TBH!
Since I started putting on weight at about 18 she's always said things like "that wouldn't suit your shape try this" (hands me a pair of hareem pants and a straight tunic) OR "your skins bad today isn't it, is that spot sore, did you know you have a big whitehead there?" (I had terrible acne as a teenager and still get the odd pimple now) she even used to hold me down and squeeze my spots until I cried and lost my temper with her! 😭
She loves to have control over everything around her and would always sulk if people didn't do what she wanted.
This obviously changed when I was about 18 as I didn't expect to be treated like a child but expected to pay rent and work like an adult. Yet I was called a selfish bitch and told to do as I'm told or I'd be kicked out!
So I moved in with BF about 18 months ago and we love it but she still manages to hurt my feelings or wind me up at every chance.
My parents have about 5x the income we do and when we say we can't afford something they seem annoyed and say "you're so antisocial" when really we are trying to scrape by and pay off our credit card!
We always get painted as the horrible people when we have to leave a party early (I say early but her parties usually start at 2pm and go on to 2am and we leave at about 11) as BF is working overtime to try and save some money up or I have work the next day and the rest of the family want to stay until the end so we do end up looking like party poopers!
We are trying to save money for a holiday and some baby stuff as we are planning to TTC in next few months, but I just can't be bothered talking to her about it as she will try and control everything and throw digs at me. She already knows we want kids and frequently says things like "you could do with getting a bit more fit before TTC or you'll struggle" I'm a size 18 and told her I am trying to lose some weight but she made fun of me for it saying "how when you never get off your arse?" Cannot count the amount of times she's said to me "you'll need to be tested for gestational diabetes as soon as you get pregnant because that's likely to happen"
I am just beginning to really HATE her. These are just some of the hundreds of things she does all the time and I can't even talk to her about it or she just cries and sulks until I say it doesn't matter 😡 AIBU when I say it will never be the same again between us!?

[TestingTestingWonTooFree]

She sounds horrible now that she can’t control you. You are young though, would it make sense holding off ttc a little longer until you’re financially stable? Having a baby is tough even when you’re in good health and well supported, I wouldn’t want to be financially precarious on top of that. I’d also not want to be unmarried.

[SecretIsland]

I think you're looking at it wrong tbh op. There's no 'the same' to be had - she's probably always done these things and had these tendencies. The difference is that you're just old enough to recognise them now and object.

[Flossie4]

Perhaps, just a perhaps, you are all grown up now and feeling defensive? I say that because mother and daughter relationships do change over the years. It sounds as though your Mum/parents still have an active life and you and BF and now in young adulthood and feeling the strain, and financial pressures of being adults, paying your way, paying bills and may think no one understands.

For example - You have every good reason to leave parties early. Do YOU think you are party poopers and no one understands? Sometimes when your life doesn't any longer fit in with your parents you see yourself going your own separate way. In your case, this doesn't seem a bad thing as your relationship with your mother doesn't sound wonderful.
It could be that you need to see less of her. That doesn't mean you have to fall out, but you don't have to accept every invitation to gatherings, etc. I'd put distance between yourselves and concentrate on your life with BF. It could be that you still feel the need of the mother you had when you were a girl - maybe?
Mothers have to adjust too when their children find their feet and become adult. Your mother is more frank and blunt with you now (as close adults can be with each other) but she does sound thoughtless. You need to tell her she is upsetting you and perhaps just get on with your own life. You might be creating a problem when all that is really needed is for you to show your Mum you are doing OK, and perhaps not confide in her all the time. She doesn't have to know the ins and outs of your life and won't, unless you tell her.
She has changed but you are changing too and need to take control of your life and your relationship.

[ASAS]

She held you down and squeezed your spots? You poor thing.

I'm so glad you are planning a wonderful life with your bf.

[Troels]

Time to stop contacting her and giving her information on what you are doing. If she calls you then speak without giving up info, turn questions around and ask her about what she's up to, where she's going/been.

[Hafa9141]

@chocolatestrawberries I have started seeing her less and less and not messaging her as much since we moved out. It doesn't help that our perfect first home happened to be around the corner from her! She now makes a point of saying "you only live 2 mins away why not come?" BECAUSE YOU DRAIN ME WOMAN! 😂
@TestingTestingWonTooFree getting married isn't what we want right now. I know we could afford a baby as we are really good with money and have savings, its just whenever my family do something it ends up costing a fortune so she says "oh your so antisocial grumps both of you" when we turn it down.
@SecretIsland I think you're right I probably never saw an issue with it until I became a bit more mature
Thank you @ASAS I am hoping it all turns out well! I want my mother to be a part of our lives but I want to be able to tell her no and her be a grown up and not sulk about things.
@Troels that's what I have been doing recently as I can't be bothered with her anymore, but again she just sulks 😂

[TorviBrightspear]

OP, personally I wouldn't get pregnant before getting married if I had my time over again, marriage will give you legal protection. If necessary, just have a regitry office wedding and 2 witnesses, you don't have to have a huge expensive hoohaa.

Meanwhile, I can see why you don't want to have too much to do with your mum, it's not you, it's her.

[Hafa9141]

@TorviBrightspear I understand the part about 2 witnesses etc. But I do actually want a nice big wedding, just not yet.
I am constantly told to get married by people on MN but it's just not how things are done these days. It used to be you can't have children or in some religions even love together until married, but now its more relaxed and we are a very laid back couple.
Baby first. Marriage later.

[Hafa9141]

That was meant to say Live together 😂

[TorviBrightspear]

I used to think the same as you, OP.

But I left my ex last year, after more than 30 years. And while I'm not going to go into detail, not being married has made life much harder for me and the DCs, harder than it should be.

[DrTorres]

face palm

[FilthyforFirth]

I would disagree that 'that's not how it's done these days'. My friendship group is early to mid 30s and only 1 couple have children and aren't married. The rest of us all are. In my circle not getting married first is far rarer. I personally don't understand 'baby first, marriage later'

[Hafa9141]

@FilthyforFirth it isn't like that round here. And "baby first. Marriage after" is just our decision we have both made.
Was looking for POV on the situation with my mother.

[fc301]

I'm very sorry that your M is controlling & critical. It's unlikely she will ever understand how she makes you feel, though you could try explaining until you're blue in the face.
You need boundaries. Don't share any personal information if you don't want to hear her comments on it. See them much less. Get some counselling to help you separate your feelings from their projected views.
Read up on Toxic Parents and FOG.
24 is not that young and you sound sensible. Make sure you are covered financially and legally if unmarried (all PPs is sound advice). Then have your baby and form your nuclear family with DP and put all your focus on that.
It's her not you 💐

[Hafa9141]

@fc301 I was considering counselling but I thought you had to pay for it? I couldn't afford it probably.
I am excited to TTC however I feel that she will get herself more involved and guilt trick me into being around more often. She has already told me "I'll be at the hospital with you, not in the room but in the hallway" hospitals don't work like that anymore and I don't want you there stressing me out more
She says she will be buying things for baby which is nice, but she will only have it her way e.g. she will offer to buy a crib but only the style and colour she likes or she won't pay for it.
We have always had babies in the family and I am very maternal so hopefully those instincts will kick in and I can tell her to step back.

[fc301]

Er yeah I'd be nipping all that shit in the bud!

[fc301]

FWIW I pay £35 per month for an hour if counselling. It's a life saver.

[stopfuckingshoutingatme]

Clearly she didn’t want like the apron springs being cut ! Maybe see her less and figure how to be more assertive with her OP ?

That said she does have a point re health /weight and baby . Would it hurt to hold off and get healthier OP ? As now is the time to do it - it’s easier when you are young

[ConciseandNice]

YANBU. I do agree with a Pp though in that she’s probably always been this way, it’s just now you’re realising the depth of it. Life is precious and short and having toxic people in it, even when it’s your mother, is rarely necessary. Please start minimising the contact to an amount you can emotionally deal with. You’ll get stronger as you get older and if you then want contact you’ll be able to do it on your terms.

Also, and I really do suggest you do this, next time she says you’re being ‘antisocial’, suggest to her that she looks the word up in a dictionary because I really doubt this is what she means. She’s being an ass.

[stopfuckingshoutingatme]

We are all probably annoying you as much as your Mum OP

[IdblowJonSnow]

Your mum sounds a bit abusive. Distance can only be a good thing. I wouldn't engage with defending or justifying your choices to her. Just smile and change the subject.

[Hafa9141]

@stopfuckingshoutingatme not at all I was just looking for some support about it all 😂 with regards to holding off it's complicated but we won't be TTC for another few months so I'm currently in the process of dropping the pounds. Lost 3lb last week 🙏🏻
@IdblowJonSnow I try not to talk to her at all as all conversations come back to her or her making me feel like shit so its a bit pointless. She really needs someone to knock some sense into her but nobody wants to do it!

[livingontheedgeee]

She sounds like someone who just doesn't know how to communicate and perhaps she's the one who needs some help to try and get her points across in a less hurtful way.

As your mother, she will want you to be healthy and make the best of yourself but she doesn't know how to help you without being offensive.

Perhaps you should sit down together with a counsellor and hash it out. It would be a shame to distance yourself from your mum when maybe some honest communication in a neutral setting would put things right.

[ChestOfDrawers]

You've had a real mix of advice here. Look up the daughters of narcissistic mothers website. Might not all be relevant but would give you another perspective.