Nan in law is getting me so down.

[Twounder1]

Dp has no parents. His nan took him on while his mom was terminally ill. An all his family take his nans side (wanted to get this out the way with)

So long story short, when dd was born, she did nothing but impose. Give me bad advice, tell me 4 days postpartum I looked rough and 'really bad', spoke about my brother's suicide (very very inappropriate. Like it was acceptable to bring up). She wouldn't give dd back for me to breastfeed. In the end dp had to take her off her. To keep this as short as I can. The way she behaved contributed to pnd an I couldn't bond properly with dd. We had no privacy, constant phone calls waking dd up and it almost ended mine and DP's relationship. I've made threads about this before though. I also want to add, during the pregnancy with dd, she didn't think we would be decent parents so she told me she was a bad idea and to abort. She also threatened to report me if my house was untidy. (dp is very messy)

So dd is very young and recently we had ds. I did make it clear to his nan that we wanted a good few weeks with no visitors. We found out we were expecting ds very late into the pregnancy. I put the ban on for everyone, not just his nan. I think it's okay to ban visitors so I could recover from giving birth to a 9 pound 9 baby who got stuck is acceptable especially when I have a 1 year old to look after too and get used to the routines etc.
So she imposed as soon as she came back from holiday (ds was 5 days old) and as soon as she got into her house, DP's family were on to him telling him it wasn't acceptable we said she couldn't come over just yet) it's caused a massive ridge and I feel so awkward in the middle because they blame me for it, I know they do.
Dp has wanted time alone with ds as he's struggling to bond. That's really worrying me. They seem a tiny bit better but all ds wants is me and its making dp really depressed that ds will cry as soon as he picks ds up. Its getting him down and he wants his privacy.

So it was dds birthday recently and we ventured out to save her being bored at home. His nan kicked off as she wasn't invited. It was just the four of us.

I told her a few days ago she could come over now we're feeling a bit better and do something for dds birthday and she told me not to bother. So I left it at that, I tried.

An then she decided to get onto my mom at how it was unacceptable she hadn't seen our dcs. So I messaged her again. I was truthful and told her dp was struggling to bond. We were ill and we need the privacy. (she did tell me while heavily pregnant with ds that it was okay if we wanted people and her to stay away for a bit and she understood, this was obviously bullshit now) and she told me last night she got DP's cousin involved to tell him it was unacceptable we denied his nan coming over as soon as she was back (which makes no sense to me. She had literally come back from holiday that day and has no means of transport. It seems like she was trying to cause trouble) an she told me dp needed to sort it out with his cousin as she was only thinking of her.. It's not about her 😖
She now keeps throwing digs online on Facebook about how she should be seeing our dcs and it isn't fair she hasn't. She messaged me this morning to tell us because dp hasn't invited his cousin round as he's pissed off about the conversation they had, we were being spiteful.
I want to add that ds is just over two weeks old now.
So she's coming over soon and we are just too pissed off about it.

Is she being unreasonable or are we? Cause I feel awkward in the middle, she blames me for keeping her away as recovery time isn't a good enough excuse.

[bumbleboots]

YANBU

YOU and not this nan is the head of your family. You are entitled to make decisions for yourself and your dc.

She sounds like a needy nightmare. Sorry to hear you are having a hard time. I think you should set the boundaries as she seems to have none.

[SteamTrainsRealAleandOpenFires]

Don't let her past the front door. In fact don't even answer it.

[Twounder1]

It was after the "she was thinking of me" comment that got us earlier. Like, IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU! :(

[KarmaStar]

Oh my!what a horrible woman she is op.
Stand your ground,you have every right to need time to adjust as a new family of four.
Personally I'd go nc but obviously this is your decision.
Congratulations on your ds,

[Twounder1]

She's done a lot for us both. She really has, she's also been a real.. Peice of work too. But she's helped us out a long. I have started to think I was being unreasonable as he's almost 3 weeks old so I offered her to come over and she tells me not to worry about it. I offered and then we just get put down for not inviting her. She just stresses me out with all this. Recovery was going great and suddenly today I've started bleeding and clotting heavily when I'd almost stopped bleeding entirely. Might not be a coincidence but the stress certainly isn't helping

[Skinnyboneylittlepony]

Let your dp deal with communication with her. She’s taken against you. Fine, whatever.

I’ve had someone like this. There’s no pleasing them even if you bend over backwards.

The issue is entitlement. She is a queen. An empress. And you will never be doing ‘what she deserves’. You will always fall short.

[milliemolliemou]

Have a long word with your husband about how you handle this.

Do you have a landline phone where you can see who's calling? I'd be tempted to go NC with MIL and family and ask your husband to do so albeit temporarily - with your DP explaining to everyone you BOTH really want to be alone to recover/bond/enjoy your DC together and that you'll be in touch when you feel ready. Will you include your ma/friends in this? it would make it easier to justify.

[happypoobum]

I wouldn't have anything to do with this bitch.

Block her on FB (and any flying monkey family members who deserve it) and don't reply to her messages. Just let DH deal with her.

[abbsisspartacus]

Are you in physical pain op?

[Twounder1]

Cramps really bad still? But told its totally normal and it'll get worse with every child. That's what the midwife said anyway. Not worried about it. Just don't want to deal with all this still.

[agnurse]

IME the usual rule of thumb is that any clots bigger than a Canadian 2-dollar coin indicate a need to see your provider. It's rare but very possible to have retained placenta MONTHS after you've had the baby. I was doing a nursing practicum in a clinic once and saw a mom who had the Depo shot a few weeks after her baby was born. She had been bleeding continuously for a few weeks, ever since she got the shot. I sent her for an ultrasound and a week later was writing a gynecology referral letter for a D&C due to retained placenta. Cramps can be quite normal, but if you're at all concerned definitely follow up with your midwife.

As for your partner's nan, she wished your DD DEAD. In my book that's a justifiable reason to cut her off. She doesn't accept that you have your own little family and won't even accept health issues as a reason not to visit. It sounds as if she owes you a HUGE apology and personally I would not be seeing her again until I got one.

[PancakesAndMapleSyrup]

Let them blame you, so what, who cares. This is your family unit the four of you. Honestly it took me a long while but ive gone pretty much NC with mil as she was simply so toxic and so is the rest of DHs family. We even moved an hour snd a half away so its not easy. Stand your ground and tell her to foff if it is really causing you so mucb stress. You dont need to put up with this xxx

[Twounder1]

Thank you, I'm not in the wrong am I? I feel with how she's acting I am. Obviously I don't think I am but we are being made to feel guilty.

This all started because my mom and stepdad have seen ds. We don't drive and they picked us up from hospital and looked after dd as we were in overnight. An because of this his nan isn't happy with it.
Like we had a flying carpet we could've come home on. 🙄

[dlnex]

Hi Twounder1, congratulations on new ds. One of each - that's really nice. YANBU she sounds like a nightmare. Don't think of this as 'banning' visitors. Be strong, say, 'no. we are busy' - let her put what she wants on FB & invite who you want in your life to see you in person when you want to.

[LeighaJ]

Twounder1

"She's done a lot for us both."

She sounds like the type who does that as another form of control rather than out of the goodness of her heart.

Sorry you're going through such a rough time. I don't understand how people don't understand the healing a woman needs after giving birth and the need for bonding with a newborn and their parents.

[SteamTrainsRealAleandOpenFires]

Are you the nan, user?