Not want to spend £1000 to attend a wedding party

[jaffercakesandcheese]

My sister in law is getting married in early August in the UK, but her husband to be is German and they are going to have the party in Germany so its closer to his family. I think its a lovely idea. We have been invited to both the UK and German part. However, I worked out yesterday that its going to cost us just under £1000 to get my DS (4) and DD (8mths) to Germany by air or a 15 hr car trip not including the stops for 4 yr old bladders/boredom. This is just the travel, its not near a major city so all the flights are horrendous. Unfortunately this year has been tough financially, I'm the main earner and by then I will be on the tail end of mat leave (no income at all) and my DH is just over minimum wage so we can just about cover the basics when I'm not at work. He also doesn't get paid for leave so we wouldn't be able to afford to be away for more than a week. That means we would be traveling for at least 4 days of a 7 day holiday and its toting up to over £700 even if we drive and camp. We didn't intend to holiday this year at all but this was all announced last week so we don't have a huge amount of time to save either and I'm starting to panic a bit.

AIBU to say sorry we can't attend the party in Germany? I feel bad as I think it was moved from October to accommodate us as DS starts school and I know my husbands family will be upset. I also feel we will not really be at the party much as it doesn't start until 7pm so one or the other of the kids will need to be sat with in the hotel room (on site). My husband is willing to do the talk but I feel guilty for getting him to do it, by worrying about the travel and the money.

[Fuffalo]

Of course you wouldn't be unreasonable. No point bankrupting yourselves for the sake of a party. Am I right in understanding the ceremony will be in England? Attend that and have a private word to let them know that at this present moment in time it would stretch you too much to make the German leg. I know lots of people on MN would just advise sending a short 'we will not be attending' but I think a nice warm chat goes a long way. That way they won't feel snubbed and you won't feel rude!

[N0tfinished]

Would it be more affordable if your DH went by himself? It's his sister after all. Maybe he could share hotels with another family member to save costs. It wouldn't bother me to let mine off on a family get together

But definitely not unreasonable to send apologies. It's not as if you're missing the wedding itself.

[Uniglo18]

My brother did similar and we attended the UK celebrations but not the party abroad. It was too expensive to fly abroad with two little ones. I'd just returned to work from mat leave so didn't have much money.

Just explain it like in your post and hopefully they will understand. You're not boycotting the wedding, it's just finances are preventing you from attending so don't feel guilty. Invite them over for a lovely meal once they're settled into married life.

[worstwitch18]

If you can't afford it you can't afford it. But it is difficult that you've only worked that out after asking to have the party time shifted.

Could your husband go on his own? If he travelled with his parents it could be much cheaper.

[jaffercakesandcheese]

Ta all, yes thinking of just sending DH with the in-laws. The ceremony is in Scotland so easy driving from us so definitely will attend that and the following meal. Sorry I wasn't clear before, we didn't ask to move it, I just asked for the date asap so I could talk to the school about potentially taking him out and what it would mean (I was hoping it might fall in half term). I think my MiL twigged and got it moved. I probably shouldn't worry about that bit so much as DH's family has 6 teachers who probably wouldn't be able to attend either if it was mid week October.

[AnnieAnoniMouser]

Think of it this way, they’re having the wedding in Scotland, you’re going to that.

Then they’re having a party in Germany so it’s closer for his family.

It makes no sense you lot traipsing over there. It’s no closer from Scotland to Germany, than it is from Germsny to Scotland. So if it’s too far for them to come to a wedding, it’s too far for you to go for a party.

They are your DH’s sisters inlaws. You don’t need to be getting to know them, you’ll probably never see them again, bar perhaphs her parents.

It’s too much time travelling with two small children to go somewhere for a couple of days and it’s too much money when you you're struggling to make ends meet.

Your DH doesn’t need to go, it’s a party. He will have been at the wedding.