ExDP & the new baby

[Namechange467]

Namechanged for this.
Dd4, it's been nearly 3 years since I split with her father. He's been rubbish for contact, going months on end without seeing her. It's only the last Christmas he got her something for the first time. For the past three fortnights he's seen her for about an hour each time, this is as regular as he's ever managed.
He works odd hours when he does work but skips between jobs to avoid paying maintenance. He owes thousands to them/us now.
I'm 21 weeks pregnant with DC2 and happy with DP and proud of him for being such an amazing father like figure in DDs life, especially as her father has been so absent.
ExDP has now announced him and his GF are also expecting.

AIBU to think that an hour every two weeks isn't enough for DD and that once ExDP has a new baby DD will start to notice how she gets so much less from him?
I wish I could trust him to have her on his own but I do my best to back off and give them as much space as possible when we do meet.
It isn't possible for him to have her round his place-he lives in a house share with a few others who openly party and take drugs. He also failed to look after her properly when she was a baby and he had her for the first overnight stay.

Would it be unfair (AIBU) to give him another few months and then say he needs to be far more regular and present in her life or just back off completely? As I said previously he's finally started seeing her regularly but he also has a track record of just vanishing for 6+ months with no explanation.

Fully prepared to be told I need to suck it up and just let him make his own fuck ups but I want the best for DD and I don't want to see her getting hurt when it's all so predictable and preventable.

[Namechange467]

Any advice/opinions? Anyone?

[AdrasteiaAthena]

Firstly, Congrats on DC2!

Secondly, I'm so sorry you are in this situation. I do understand as far as "non hands on" fathers are concerned. Has DD spoke about how she feels about her dad? Does she enjoy spending time with him when he is around?

I would honestly not force contact between them, if he wants to not be involved in her life like a father should then it is his loss. Your DD has you and your DP (soon a little DB or Dsis too!) Who are all more than willing to support and love her as a family should be.

On the side of maintenance, have you spoke to CMS? They should be able to keep track of him and make sure he starts to contribute.

[seabase]

Congratulations

Your ex is treating the child as a toy ... I believe you would be acting in the child best interest to get some kind of order in place. Children need structure and routine ... not when someone can be bothered.

Good luck.

[Namechange467]

@AdrasteiaAthena
Thank you!
Sadly she doesn't actually know he is her dad. Such a long period of time went by without her seeing him and he reintroduced himself to her as just his name...not dad or anything like that. She isn't aware and I've made it clear it's up to him to tell her. She enjoys spending time with him though- just thinks he's one of mummys friends. I regularly call CMS but he job hops a lot and earnt less than 4k last year.

@seabase
Thank you, I want the best for her and an hour every fortnight is f all- roughly 24 hours a year? How will she see this in a few years time when his DC2 gets him 365 days a year and she only gets 24 hours? I hope he surprises everyone and pulls his weight

[Steeley113]

If he is as much of a useless Dad as what you say he is, the likelihood is he’ll do the same to his new child. Leopard doesn’t change his spots and all that. I wouldn’t worry about it, just keep providing your daughter with love and stability and that will win over a few hours a year with her deadbeat dad.