AIBU to think the poem To An Athlete Dying Young is sad since I became a mother

[ConfusedWife1234]

I remember reading the poem To An Athlete Dying Young by A.E. Housman when I was 16. As the title indicates it is about a sportsman dying young by the way. Did not mean anything to me. I thought it was cheesy.

Now that I am older and have been a mother for a while - my oldest is five- I think the poem is just soooo sad.
I never lost a kid thanks got, but the thought that one of my children would die young makes my blood run cold... and now I think of his mother who is not even mentioned in this poem and how it must be for her.

Is there any book/poetry/movie you felt just so different about after having kids?

[DisgraceToTheYChromosome]

Your heart softens a LOT once you become a parent. Annie Lennox's "Love Song for a Vampire" has a verse which makes me sob.

[vampirethriller]

That song makes me cry too. I don't have children but I've had a lot of miscarriages and it changes something.

[ConfusedWife1234]

That’s sad, vampirethriller.

[TheButterflyOfTheStorms]

Bloody Toy Story 3. Those bastards have ruined throwing out toys for me. DD is on the same page as me in 1 and 2. Then she watches bemused as I sob through 3.

[TheButterflyOfTheStorms]

@vampirethriller

[doesthislookoddtoyou]

No, and I don't understand the concept. Did you only discover empathy when you produced a small human?

[TheButterflyOfTheStorms]

Better than never discovering it!

[AbsolutelyCorking]

I don’t agree about your capacity for empathy changing, it doesn’t change if you had empathy before. Anyone dying is sad.

[ConfusedWife1234]

Doesthislookoddtoyou No, not really. I remember if having empathy before lol, but not for the athlete of this poem or his mother.
Maybe because I felt that me, my young friends and my young family were sort of indestructible. Young athletes did not die in my world view or only if they appeared in poems but not in real life.

Now I have a husband who likes to work out (and used to be into rugby) and a boy who dances as a hobby and like to run and climb and my younger children, who will grow up sportsy (so much is already clear). Now I see how easy breakable life is.
All of them are alive and well. Dh has health issues but nothing lethal. Thanks God for it, but it is only now that I realize how much of a blessing this is.

I did not realize that before, I realize it now.

[CircleofWillis]

Since having my children I now view children such as Madeline McCann and Jamie Bulger with a new intensity. Before I had an emotional reaction but now it is more visceral. When I was sitting next to my daughter’s incubator I suddenly remembered Ben Hardwick. All the nurses thought I was crying for my own child but I was actually crying as I realised I was going home with my child and Ben’s parents never got to see him grow up. I also now find the social services reports I have to read for my job particularly harrowing. Sometimes I wonder if I have PTSD from my daughter’s birth.

[Waitingonasmile]

Pregnancy does change your brain,temporarily at least,and give you the capability to be more empathetic. I could be wrong though...

[doesthislookoddtoyou]

you are wrong. pregnancy doesn't do that.

[ConfusedWife1234]

Circle You mentioned you might have ptsd. Have you ever been checked for ptsd after your birth.
My dh has been diagnosed with ptsd (not from giving birth, who would have thought so) and it can get better with the right kind of treatment (worse with the wrong kind of treatment). CBT is proven to be very effective.

I know some other people with ptsd and their spouses. There are some people who start treatment late because of a false sense of pride and typically they wish they had started years earlier because it would have saved them from years of suffering.

[ConfusedWife1234]

Doesthislookoddtoyou Maybe it does not do it to you but to me it did. I know how I feel now and how I felt before.
Well maybe it does not make sense but it is what has happened to me.

[doesthislookoddtoyou]

I was commenting on the notion that there are physical changes in the brain that affect empathy. There are not

[ConfusedWife1234]

Well you hormones change and your experiences change. I am not a brain scientist but I think that this possibly couldchage your brain... or maybe not, does not really matter.
I am not the girls anymore I was at sixteen. Are you the same person you were at sixteen, you were before becoming a parent?

[doesthislookoddtoyou]

So your point actually is that you were less empathetic and forward thinking when you were a teenager? That's fairly obvious. Nothing to do with having children though.

[ConfusedWife1234]

In my case it had to do with having children. I had them pretty young compared to some friends of mine and I do think I matured earlier because of the responsibility I had.
I think it might be also hormonal.

[Waitingonasmile]

A quick Google suggests a first time mother's brain changes during pregnancy (loss of grey matter). Scientists think this grey matter changes occurred in areas of the brain involved in social interactions used for attributing thoughts and feelings to other people. Yes, it's not specifically changes making you more empathetic doesthislookoddtoyou but there are indeed changes and they are not fully aware of what these changes mean.

[Basta]

YABU to use your more recent response to the poem to imply that you are a better person because you have a child, and that women who are infertile / childless / childfree have less capacity for empathy.

Having a stronger reaction to something that has become relevant to your particular personal circumstances does not indicate that you are somehow a more virtuous or sensitive individual.

[doesthislookoddtoyou]

a quick google can suggest anything you want it to, you need to actually read and understand/

[Goldfishshoals]

YABU to use your more recent response to the poem to imply that you are a better person because you have a child, and that women who are infertile / childless / childfree have less capacity for empathy

It's other posters, not the OP who are claiming she lacked empathy before having kids.

Anyway I agree, OP, I have had the same experience, and it's nothing to do with 'not having empathy' before kids or being a teenager (I had kids in my mid thirties).

Before I had an emotional reaction but now it is more visceral.

This explains it well. Of course I had empathy for tragic situations before, but now I am much more likely to cry/feel it as a 'gut punch'.

It is a very clear and obvious change to me and I don't think it in any way makes me a better person (I think it's a negative that my brain now seems to try to make every tragedy all about me...)

I have wondered if it is to do with hormones or the brain rewiring that happens in pregnancy.

[SlackPanther]

Yeah, I never gave a damn about anyone dying before I had kids.

No one who is not a parent can have any empathy.

Oh, wait.... look what Cameron did to families, families with disabled children, even.

It is maturity that gives us depth, and for many people maturity coincides with parenthood.

I think it is really patronising to non-parents to claim that parenthood provides a unique sensibility unattainable to the child-free / child less.

[ConfusedWife1234]

Huh? I did not say I had no empathy before I had kids. In fact I said just the opposite. Please read my posts.

I also did not say I was more virtuos than other people. What ever that means. I think the word virtuos is pretty stupid and I would never use it.

Having kids gave me maturity. Yes. I think I grew up faster than my friends who spend all their free time partying and writing on Facebook. All experiences and all kind of responsibility make us grow up faster and no I do not think having kids is the only kind of responsibility or that childless women cannot be mature.

Goldfish Yep, like a gut punch. It is really odd... and like you I do not think it is only positive.

[SlackPanther]

Sorry, I misunderstood this from your OP: “Is there any book/poetry/movie you felt just so different about after having kids?”
which seemed to signal that you had only found it sad after having kids.