Scared of my complicated blended family

[doodledoods]

Expecting my first child with DP. He has a lovely little 7 year old who lives with us full time. It's quite complicated. His mother had issues and died a while ago. Due to lack of contact when she was alive it hasn't had as much of an impact on him YET as we thought it would. We are prepared for later on in life if it does effect him more. He sees me as a mother figure, always has. I raise him as if he were my own. When we had to deal with continuing that as well as the loss of his mother I was very conscious of him fully understanding I was his step mum, and his mum was his mum. Although it can be difficult I guess it helps knowing I will be one of two people raising him and I need to do as good a job as I can, he's already had quite a bit of trauma.

My problem is I'm really struggling with our situation now we are expecting a child of my own. We have found out we are expecting a boy and I think I was hoping for a girl because it would be my partners first girl...I don't really know how to explain it. SS has regular contact with his grandma which is great and although my partner doesn't have any relationship with her, I have a good relationship with her. She trusts me and is grateful for what I do. Although she is a bit of a fruit loop and has the tendency to show her emotions too much to SS.

I think my problem is that selfishly it's not this perfect little situation I always imagined as a child. I feel like I'm living in SS mum/DP ex's shadow as well. I've had problems with some of her friends being abusive towards me, and I feel as though everyday triggers how abusive SS's mum was to me and I'm so fucking insecure. I can't even say her name to my partner, it's crazy. I'm constantly anxious about whether I'm "better" than my DPs ex and try so hard to be when I really don't need to. They had an awful relationship and I know that. It's just really getting me down and I don't want to ever resent anyone or anything. I just wish it was just me, DP, our baby and my SS and no outsiders trying to get a look in. No one is. I am just paranoid. I'm paranoid of him seeing any of their old friends in the street and it bringing anything back for him. Paranoid about someone on TV having the same name as her and it reminding him of her. And I know how ridiculous I'm being. I feel like I'm constantly trying to shield him and protect both of them from any negativity because of their trauma in the past with her. I'm scared of running into Ss's mums friends in the supermarket in case it makes SS sad being reminded. When his grandma would ask him to wave to the sky to his mum it would make him sad and he asked me to ask her to not remind him of it. I feel as though I am constantly trying to prevent triggers for him and it's getting in the way of me having normal conversations with people.

Sorry, I have dragged on too much. Not even sure if that makes any sense. Ah help

[doodledoods]

Anytime?

[doodledoods]

Anyone I mean!

[JamPasty]

In the nicest possible way, you're over thinking this. He's effectively your son and you're effectively his mum. He and your baby will be brothers. Anyone who is crap to you about any of this is not worth paying attention to. And of course you're better than his ex - she was an ex and he's chosen you. Enjoy your family - it sounds like a good one!

[Conkernudge]

I think you need to give yourself a break here. You’re doing a good job by the sounds of it and you’re providing a loving step mum for your SS.
Stop comparing yourself to your SS’s Mum, it’s utterly pointless.
Try to stop worrying about your SS being reminded as well. If he is reminded and upset, that’s only natural! You and his father can be there to offer comfort and support. You can’t run away from the past or avoid it.
You’re bound to feel anxious about how everything will go once there’s a new baby on the scene but i’m sure you’ll all love him, while losing none of your love for SS.
Try not to worry, it sounds like you’ve got this!!

[midnightmisssuki]

Sorry - but you are massively overthinking everything. You are not living really - more like living in fear of the unknown which is unhealthy, especially now your pregnant. Fistly you partner is an adult - he can protect himself. You need to concentrate on why youre feeling like this - have you anxiety issues? I ask because im sometimes like this - i see things that arent there, or i seem to draw conclusions that no else can see, all out of paranoia. Its a vicious cycle. Can you speak to someone in real life about this?

[Melminiani]

I can understand that it must feel overwhelming at times; trying to make sure everyone is ok and protected from anything and everything, all the while not wanting anyone to feel you're overstepping the mark, and currently whilst riding a wave of pregnancy hormones and all the attendant feeling that come from that...! And it sounds to me that you yourself is getting a bit lost in there amongst all that.

I think, as pp said, he is your son and you are his mother, and once your baby arrives, you will all be able to settle down into a family that is absolutely yours, and where you absolutely have a right to be and belong. Keep telling yourself that, and try not to anticipate or care what anyone thinks or feels beyond your own family unit, and I hope you get to enjoy what sounds like a lovely family.

[doodledoods]

Thanks guys. Midnight not generally anxious, I've only ever been anxious with SS mother when I had problems with her and I really struggled and since then. But anything else that should make someone anxious really doesn't effect me at all. It's strange

[doodledoods]

Melminiami that is such a revelation.* When I settle into something that truly is 'mine'.* That's really helped, thank you

[MyNewBearTotoro]

I think you are over-thinking this issue and letting the anxiety overwhelm you. In the nicest possible way I think the problem here is you and your feelings and not the situation with your blended family. That’s not to say it’s your fault, you are making this much bigger than it needs to be however I appreciate that sometimes it is so so hard not to ruminate or stress over things and strong feelings are often out of our control.

I would look into talking therapy to see if working these feelings over with a professional can help. I think a lot of your concerns are normal, but that the extent to which you are letting them worry you is not, and it might help to discuss and work through these concerns with somebody impartial who can also help you to find solutions to managing these thoughts when they come up.

[Beanteam]

How was your childhood, is stuff triggering emotions from the past. If you worked out why these feelings are so strong it would help you to deal with them. Talking therapy as mentioned above would be great.

[Qvar]

He's your son and everyone else can fuck off.

have you formally adopted him? made yourself his mummy? It's going to be hard for him to know you're his step mum and you're his brother's "real" mum, especially as plenty of kids at school will have both, very few kids don't have a mummy.

I'd adopt him if you haven't already. Make it clear that he's yours and everyone has to defer to you on matters concerning him.

[dimots]

I would also point out that you need to adopt your SS to ensure your place in his life. At the moment, if you and your DP were to split up you might find you have no contact with SS, particularly if other family members try and push you out. This would be distressing for you and very bad for SS, as he has already lost his birth mother

[Melminiani]

doodledoods I'm glad that helped 😊 Also, I think the suggestion from pps that you adopt your ss is a good one.

[BewareOfDragons]

I think that little boy is very lucky to have you in his life.

Is there any possibility that you could all move and start over elsewhere if it's that hard to keep running into the 'old friends' who feel the need to say inappropriate things to a young child? It must be confusing and hard for him as well, as he's already demonstrated by asking you to ask his own grandma to stop behaving as she does.

[FranticallyPeaceful]

You’re over thinking it but it’s pretty normal to over think it before it’s happened. Afterwards you’ll see how silly it is.
I have two boys and I thought I’d never love him as much as my eldest and I wanted to give DP a girl and I wanted blah de blah de blah de blah... it disappeared as soon as he was born. Sex/gender becomes irrelevant, nobody cares anymore. Just two individuals that both need loving.

I’m pregnant again now and I felt the same way again until I realised I’d already been through this and it really doesn’t matter

[FranticallyPeaceful]

And a nice clean start elsewhere would always be wonderful

[Adviceplease360]

You sound lovely, please adopt this little boy and keep treating him as your own.

[Upsy1981]

Has your anxiety got worse whilst you've been pregnant? I was very anxious during pregnancy.