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To not want another parent/child to buy gifts for my child (buying friends)

(20 Posts)
Lovemusic33 Tue 20-Feb-18 16:29:54

A bit of a long story so bare with me. Dd is 14 (year 9) she has Aspergers and although very intelligent she can be quite childish at times. There’s a boy in her year, let’s call him A, I know his mother, I wouldn’t say I am friends with her but she thinks she is friends with me. A’s mother has some special needs and I suspect A does too but he hasn’t got a diagnosis, he’s very childish, noisy and not very well behaved. A’s mother follows me around and messages me on FB most weeks inviting dd over. Dd gets on ok with A bit she doesn’t really like him, says he’s annoying, she has her own small group of friends that she hangs out with so hardly hangs out with A at school. Dd feels sorry for A so goes over his house a couple times a month despite people taking the mick out of her at school for doing so (because he’s a boy and because he’s very childish). A’s mother keeps buying things for dd and saying they are from A, some of these things cost £10+, other things less, they also offer to take dd out a lot (cinema, Pizza Hut etc...). Dd doesn’t want to tell A that she doesn’t really like him and quite often I have to make excuses for her not to go to his house. She has agreed to go to his birthday party in a few weeks but doesn’t really want to go as it’s more of a party for a 5 year old, involving party bags and party games but she feels sorry for him as he doesn’t have any friends (only family going to the party).

Yesterday dd came home with a DVD which A’s mum had bought her, she then messaged me to tell me she had given it to her as a gift. This is happening more and more and it feels like A’s mum is trying to buy him friends?

How do I deal with this? I have already told her that she shouldn’t buy dd gifts as I can’t afford to return the favour, she just keeps telling me how much A likes dd and they don’t mind buying her gifts. It’s hard to explain to A’s mum through messaging as she doesn’t always understand what I have written (due to her having sn’s), when I do see her face to face I can’t get a word in.

How should I deal with this?

I don’t want dd to be mean and say she doesn’t want to be friends anymore but I also don’t want to make her go over his house or hang out with him if she doesn’t want too, I feel it is effecting other friendships she has (she doesn’t have many friends due to having Aspergers and struggling to make new friends).

AIBU to think buying my dd gifts isn’t really exceptable?

Lovemusic33 Tue 20-Feb-18 16:32:52

Just to add, I do turn down a lot of the invites to go places but they still ask over and over if dd can come over, go to the cinema etc..etc..

DancesWithOtters Tue 20-Feb-18 16:35:51

It sounds like maybe he's lonely and his mum thinks that if she buys things for DD she will want to be friends with him. Bit sad really.

I think you should tell her that if she doesn't really want to be friends with him then she shouldn't accept gifts.

Trendy1 Tue 20-Feb-18 16:46:04

Oh, this is so sad. He needs to make his own friends, and if he can't he needs professional help to sort things out. His mum has clearly latched on to you, and I think it's because she thinks you have things in common. Are you sure she does not know he is SN? I can't think why else she would latch on so. However much she tries to make/buy his friends for him, it won't work. She is lucky your DD is so understanding. My DD wouldn't go near him with a barge pole if she didn't like him, regardless of the SN. This behaviour in fact, is positive discrimination, which is nearly as bad as the other. I had a similar situation where a child was giving gifts to my DD, that her father (absent) had given her, some of them brand new. I suspected that she didn't want her mum to know that father had bought them. Anyway, I took them all back round to her house the minute I found out, and gave them back. I should invite his mum over, without the children present, and explain to her face to face, that you are sorry, but they are not actually very likely to stay friends, that your DD is growing up, etc. Try and keep it nice if you can, but she needs to be told. Perhaps you could suggest some help for her?

Lovemusic33 Tue 20-Feb-18 17:14:04

Dd and A share a interest which is why his mum pushed him towards her, dd is now growing out of that interest but A is still very into it.

I don’t want to give too much detail incase I out them or me. I have known A’s mum since I was a child though she’s ten years older than me, she has quite severe sn’s and a few health conditions, she’s not easy to talk too, I have been quite blunt with her in the past and have even told her that dd has a new group of friends and isn’t interested in the same things as A anymore but she still comes back inviting dd over, offering her lifts to places and buying her gifts.she doesn’t seem to ge
T the message, due to her sn’s I suspect if someone was really nasty to her she would quickly forgive and forget. A is a single child and they treat him like a baby and they talk to my dd like a toddler. It all just feels really uncomfortable.

A obviously has some sn’s and ld’s, my dd is in the top sets and A is struggling in bottom sets and he doesn’t have any friends (tries to hang around with younger children).

I took A to the cinema once and he wasn’t well behaved, kept running off, was very rude to me (told me I should have bought better sweets and asked me for cash over and over again), he talked all the way through the film and didn’t shut up until I dropped him off home. I have 2 dc’s with ASD but they know how to behave when out, I refuse to take him out again.

ItsAllABitStrangeReally Tue 20-Feb-18 17:20:54

I dunno.......sometimes it's nice to be nice.

Your dd is really lucky that despite her sn she's found a group of friends, not everyone has that and it can be very, isolating. :/ Maybe point her in the direction of some SN support groups and youth clubs??

For what it's worth one of my good friends has a.learning disability and also has 2 children. We became friends in a similar way, she tagged onto our group.

Initially she was included because we felt sorry for her, now she's just my friend. I admire and how hard she tries...... and I'm very protective of her.

Lovemusic33 Tue 20-Feb-18 17:35:32

Dd goes to a youth club with A, Dd now has a boyfriend and her boyfriend does not get on with A though he’s not horrible to him, he just avoids him as much as he can, most of Dd’s friends are boys (4 boys and 2 girls), none of them like A.

I have tried being friends with A’s mum but seriously she is hard work, like A she just talks non stop and doesn’t listen to anything anyone has to say, she talks very loudly and to be honest she’s very annoying.

Dd starts her first gcse year next year and won’t be in any classes with A (at the moment she does a couple classes with him) so I am hoping they can just drift apart.

Sleephead1 Tue 20-Feb-18 17:39:58

really hard op but your dd sounds very kind going to his house even though others tease her about it she's obviously very thoughtful

Lovemusic33 Tue 20-Feb-18 17:44:21

Dd gets picked on a lot, other than her small group of friends people are pretty horrid to her sad

A’s mum messaged me yesterday asking if dd wanted to come over Thursday, I made an excuse up about her having extra homework to do (well she does have extra homework), she will ask again next week and the following week, she doesn’t really take a hint.
I think I will let dd go to his party in a couple weeks and then try and get the message across that she doesn’t want to continue going to his house.

DearMrDilkington Tue 20-Feb-18 17:44:24

I think she should go to his birthday party, it'd clearly mean a lot to A if he had someone his own age there. However I wouldn't make her go round there after that, unless she decides she wants to.

It's a very sad situation for A and his Dm though.

Lovemusic33 Tue 20-Feb-18 17:45:48

Cross posts, yes your right Dear, he’s really looking forward to her going to his birthday party.

Lovemusic33 Tue 20-Feb-18 17:47:25

And his mum doesn’t seem to realise that her ds has no friends, she talks as if A is doing my dd a favour by being her friend, she says he looks after her (dd is very independent and looks after herself and she’s doing very well at school).

ShiftyMcGifty Tue 20-Feb-18 17:52:44

A’s mum messaged me yesterday asking if dd wanted to come over Thursday, I made an excuse up about her having extra homework to do (well she does have extra homework), she will ask again next week and the following week, she doesn’t really take a hint.”

You’re not giving her hints, but legitimate reasons why she can’t come.

-Does DD want to come over?
-no she doesn’t.

-why not?
-I will tell you later.

Where is the father? Can you email him and explain?

Thistlebelle Tue 20-Feb-18 18:01:49

At 14 yo I think you should be allowing your DD to say “no” that she doesn’t want to go round.

I’m not sure that it’s a great message that she has to spend time with a boy she doesn’t like because it makes him feel good.

Perhaps draw a close to meeting up after the birthday party.

Lovemusic33 Tue 20-Feb-18 18:54:49

I have been firm in the past and said ‘she doesn’t want to come over’, they still ask again and again.

I don’t want to upset the boy, he really does care for dd, she can be nasty to him when she gets fed up with him but he doesn’t seem to understand. Maybe dd needs to be a bit stronger and tell him she doesn’t want to hang out with him? I don’t think they hang out together at school, they go on the bus together and have 2 classes together but break times and lunch times dd spends with her group of friends or at clubs. I’m pretty sure it’s the mother that’s pushing for them to be friends.

DearMrDilkington Tue 20-Feb-18 20:36:07

I'd probably be quite harsh and just stop replying to her once you've told her one last time that your dd doesn't want to go round.

I don't think it's A that is pushing for her to go over if he doesn't try to hang around with her at school, so I wouldn't get dd to tell him directly as it may cause more upset.

I also don't think it has anything to do with her learning to keep a boy happy like a pp said. It's teaching empathy and kindness towards someone that struggles day to day, however A's mother is starting to cross the line with the friendship so I don't think its wise to continue.

Your daughter sounds wonderful, what a lovely kind teenager. You must be really proud of her. smile

Lovemusic33 Tue 20-Feb-18 20:47:27

Thank you Dear, I am very proud of her, she hates the thought of anyone being hurt or upset, she does a lot at school to raise awareness about sn’s and autism.

BlueMirror Tue 20-Feb-18 20:58:10

Seems like your dd is choosing to give some of her time to be kind to someone with sn and his parents appreciate that and are choosing to buy her gifts.
I would support her in setting limits she is comfortable with about how much time she is willing to give though. She doesn't have to attend the party if she doesn't want to. You said she agreed to despite not wanting to so I assume she caved to pressure?

Thistlebelle Tue 20-Feb-18 21:56:20

Being kind is one thing, feeling guilty and obligated is another.

I think you need to support her in saying no if she actually doesn’t want to go.

Afternoon Wed 21-Feb-18 09:56:46

Your DD has done more than her share of being kind. A and his mother are not her responsibility. Your DD needs to know she isn't on this planet purely to do what other people want from her. Tell A's mother that your DD won't be coming round any more and they she'll need to find other forms of support for A and herself. Block her on FB so she can't keep issuing invitations. I hope they find what they need, but not by using you and your family.

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