To feel a bit miffed even though I don't really have any right to be - division of chores

[800msprint]

DH is great. I'll start with that.
But. He works long hours. This means I get minimal if any help at all during the week with two young kids.
At the weekend he also sometimes has to work or he's knackered from working so much so not really 'on it' with kids.
I work 3x week. Then kids 2x week.
I get up with them and do the overnight thing (one still wakes and is up early). I do all bedtimes.
I also do all the household stuff. Cleaning, bins, birthdays, doctor appts, food shop etc etc etc.
But I can't be pissed at him right because he's working! It's not like he's lazing about.
Weekends I might get a couple hours off which is something plus working gives me a break!
I'm just really fucking knackered and need a moan.
Anyone else?!

[Shoxfordian]

You're also working though

He's not great

[Dermymc]

Nope he's rubbish.

If he's home he should be inputting as much as you.

You both deserve the same amount of downtime.

[SleepingStandingUp]

Sorry but he's not all that. He does no childcare and no housework??

[honeysucklejasmine]

If working gives you a break, why don't you view his work in the same way? His work is onerous, yours is a restful break?

Weekends he definitely needs to be pulling his weight.

[Aquamarine1029]

Personally, I think you should stop poisoning your mind with all of this him vs me, fair vs unfair nonsense. You said yourself your husband is wonderful and he's a very hard worker. You have very young children - you are going to be tired and stretched to the limit no matter who does what. Maybe try to be grateful for what you DO have. These days won't last forever, I promise. I remember those days well, and you just have to power through it.

[SleepingStandingUp]

Aquamarine1029 but poor DH can has some rest and chill whilst OP powers through??

[BrownTurkey]

It will be thus forever unless you change it now. Things like admin for nursery/school/extra curricular clubs/medical appointments can be clearly divided between you both, arranging childcare cover, babysitting and pick ups, days of for children being ill, and lifts to activities or seeing friends on the weekend can be shared - you shouldn’t have to do it all. If you do much of the cooking weekdays, maybe he could take on the washing and ironing. Or vis versa if he wishes to counter propose. Think of it like an appropriate 3:5 ratio split - you might take on more of it, because you work 3 days out of 7 but he should still do a share appropriate to working 5 days out of 7.

[800msprint]

Ok I should rephrase some of that. He does def do parenting it's just not that much just him doing it. So at weekends we would do stuff together and I might get a couple hours to myself out of that plus would get help doing bathtime etc, so weekends definitely easier.
It's the weekdays. He works such long hours so he's just not here. He either has to leave early or is asleep as he worked the night before till 2am. So I have to do it all.
The housework/mental load stuff - urgh. I mean it just falls to me as he's not around/I look after kiddos 2x week etc. We used to be equal pre kids plus there was a lot less of this mental load stuff and the cleaning took way way way less time!!
His job is more stressful than mine but I do have large volume of work and am often juggling it all and feel like not doing anything well!
Just need to vent. I know it will improve and plenty worse things going on.

[grasspigeons]

Its not a competition between you and it sounds like you are both working hard for the family in your own ways. But I do understand how It can feel like you got the short straw of the arrangement when you are knackered from night wakes, and get the crappy bits like empting bins and cleaning toilets.

Can you get a cleaner for a few hours so it doesn't feel like its all on your shoulders?

[badg3r]

Is the problem partly that you feel he doesn't value your contribution?

[Sprinklestar]

Nip over to the feminism board and read the facilitated husband threads.

[G120810]

Welcome to parent good u say he's not there so how can he help u should do it all sat then he gets day off then u get sun off while he does it u need a routine of what u have to do daily tick it off ure list as u go calm down ure over whelmed every one gets it