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How to help DD move on

(4 Posts)
Belindabauer Fri 02-Feb-18 17:22:35

I have name changed but am a regular poster.
I've posted here for help as this is more of a wwyd rather than aibu.

I have 3 DC's the youngest is 15. I am divorced from their dad and we have both moved on.

At first our split was amicable but quickly turned very accrimonious. The DC were heartbroken dd1 was 16 at the time and was unconsolable at times.
She was always a daddy girl but she fell out with him, blaming him for leaving.

My ex husband left me(and therefore the DC) in debt. We had to sell the family home, move into rented housing association accomodation. On top of this he would be sat in the local pub with the ow and her eldest DC attended the same secondary school.

Thier dad doesn't pay any maintenance, buy the dc anything, visit them see them. They are non contact.

This is not my doing he was asked to make arrangements to set up regular contact and refused.
After the divorce ex h saw them sporadically and things were ok.
Then his wife had an argument with dd1.
I know dd1 and kniw 100% how she thinks, the argumeñt was by their dads new wife.
Non of the DC's have seen their dad since.
He was present during the argument and choose not to intervene instead allowing his wife to berate his daughter.
Her eldest child then joined in calling dd2 names.

During the row the new wife shouting at dd1 that her dad never got to see the dcs because they never visited( its her house and she has 4 kids) my DC's were told that they can only go when all 4 kids are there and they never ever see their dad without seeing his wife and all of her kids with whom they don't have a lot in common.

Dd1 said that her dad can go and see them, see her at university or come to their home, my house. This resulted in his wife screaming at my DD that if course yourdadcannot goto your mum's house!

I have never stopped their dad from coming, never.
So ex h has managed to stopnpaying maintenance and stop seeing the kids.
Non of my kids go to their dads because he has made it clear they are not his priority.

Now to the issue.
For some reason ex h has texted dd1 several times this year. He says he loves her and wishes things were better.
Fair enough.
Yesterday he texted her to ask why she hadn't responded to his latest text.
Dd1 replied that she was busy studying for her degree and there isn't anything she can say to him.

His response was to ask her to apologise to his wife so that they could ' move on' and he could be part of her life again and that until she apologized things will not be right.
Dd1 said that that will not happen and what exactly does move on mean.
She was 21 last month and he bought her nothing, not even a card. He doesn't ever suggest meeting and he knows that she can't go to his house because of his wife.
I should also point out that he hasn't bought any of the dc Christmas presents or birthday presents. Taken them anywhere and flat out refused to take ds to a college interview, despite the fact he claims not to work.
Anyway ex h wife has texteddd1: saying that I have brainwashed her, that I am evil, that I have issues, that I committed adultery, that the breakdown of the marriage was my fault etcetc.
That my mum who does so much for them, has told lies and that she is going to tell my mum how awful dd1really is.
This has enraged DD who is yet again beside herself with stress and brief.

I have told DD that I am not entering into any slanging match .

I have advised DD, again to block her dad but she won't.

She is hurt and angry and wants a relationship with her dad.

Out of temper ex h has also texted my two other DC's telling them that he is cutting them out of his life.
Ds didn't go to work today.
Dd2 says she doesn't care.

Im asking for practical help.

Is there something they or I can do to help them?

None of them will block his number.
He doesn't have mine and I don't have his.

I'm sorry this is long.

Dd1 started to self harm over her dad and threatened to commit suicide.

She has refused counselling in he past.
Dd2 had some consulting at school but then refused to go.

laura65988 Thu 08-Feb-18 12:45:25

What a selfish asshole it's not upto child to make it better with wife get ure daughter serious help get ex phone number and explain about ure daughter is suicidal see if he's interested to help forget the money and presents that's losing battle why has his wife got to get involved a shout at a child u need to take daughter to doctor explain in life we lose contact with people it doesn't mean she has to lose herself it's a hard one but definitely counciling use all need xx

Snowysky20009 Thu 08-Feb-18 12:49:42

What a prize twat! Sorry I can not offer any advice.

KimmySchmidt1 Thu 08-Feb-18 12:59:23

Dd1 should forward the message from his new wife to her father and explain that this type of abuse is stopping them having a relationship.

It might be worth trying to sit down with your ex if you can and together working out how you can help Dds and what his difficulties are.

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