To be sick of the favourotism and other crap?

[Mindhunter]

Sorry if this is a bit of a long one but I don't really have many people in rl to talk to.

So I split from my ex June last year due to his emotional abuse, jealousy of his children with me and general laziness/lack of self care.

He moved into his mothers and was instantly signed off sick and hasn't been back since. I on the other hand have been working 27.5 hours a week which most of my wages go on the rent bills and everything else so money is pretty tight and I cant afford to do anything particularly amazing with the children because of it. That being said we are still a lot happier and have a good time together. The best part is getting to spend time with my family without the guilt from him.

My problem is his mum has always had a favorite of the three children and I have had to put my foot down on numerous occasions about it. She does things like buys some ridiculously big toy expensive toy for my middle son and then will buy a crappy yoyo or something like you get from party bags for the other if anything at all. My oldest is from another relationship and even though he has been in her life since she was one (now 12) their relationship has completely broken down.

Anyway I have always tried to instil in the children that I go to work so we can afford to live and do nice things from time to time but lately this isn't working as whenever they go to their dads they get whatever they want. Go to all these amazing theme parks and places and generally get spoilt rotten. So now when I explain that I cant afford something I get back "but dad doesn't work and he can get/go to blah blah blah. I have pointed out that it is actually nanny funding all this but they are only 9 and 7 so it doesn't really matter in their view. Im also fighting the battle more with my middle ds as he cant understand why I don't give into his every wish as that's what nan and dad do. So he has huge tantrums at the word no.

I have tried talking to their dad about this but he was bought up to get anything he ever wanted and cant see the problem to the point when he was out of work years ago his mum used to buy him new motorbikes (as he couldn't have an old one) and when he got bored of them she would just get him a new one. So he just thinks its normal. Its weird as she was the same with her two children that ex got whatever he wanted and the other didn't. This has caused my ex to be entitled and think he can have whatever he wants whenever he wants hence the jealousy with the children and me. He has very little social skills as his mum gives all the "you cant cope without me" stuff and I can see my son going the same way if I'm not careful.

I feel like my life is going round in circles at the moment as every time they go to their dads/nans (every other weekend) my middle son comes back like a different child. He is demanding, bullies his younger brother relentlessly and just horrible. After a few days he goes back to being the sweet boy I know then two weeks later it starts all over again. He has started not sleeping in his bed and is so unsettled. He also keeps telling me he is like daddy and doesn't like crowds etc. So he is obviously getting that from somewhere.

Im not really sure what I'm trying to ask here but am I unreasonable to be sick to death of this? I don't know how to deal with it. Or am I just jealous that he can live such a great lifestyle without having to work? I have just been paid and the whole lot has gone on bills yet again and he has just told my son he spending the weekend with his friend at the coast. (I live off the tax credits I get). I feel like I am hitting my head against a brick wall trying to set a good example for them I guess.

[Eliza9917]

Doesn't he pay maintenance?

[Mindhunter]

Only if I beg for it and it's the min amount £200 at most. I've enquired about full time at work but it's so quiet at the moment they don't need anyone.

That's not really what I was worried about it's more the entitled attitude he's passing on to his son.

[Mindhunter]

I don't think I'm explaining it very well.

[charlestonchaplin]

I think your explanation is fine, it's just difficult to know what to suggest. You definitely aren't being unreasonable feeling the way you do. Other than reducing contact, which may cause difficulties for you, the only thing I can suggest is to continue as you are. Perhaps as your nine year old grows and matures in the next few years he will begin to understand what you are saying. How does the grandmother have so much disposable income? What income does your ex get? Is there any sick pay from his employer?

[Sumo1]

Maybe DS is just sort of confused by the behaviour in DF's house. Someone lazy and entitled as DF will behave that way to his DCs I would think. So probably is not great company or loving.
So DS is with you, hardworking and sensible, then with these bunch of manipulating, spoilt lazy people. I think maybe confused and takes it out on you because he can't on the other oddballs.

[BrownTurkey]

I think you are right, he is getting tied up in some systemic generational dysfunction, highly likely to involve emotional abuse or worse. Consider making school or GP aware of your concerns, in the context of getting their advice on his anxiety.

[shouldwestayorshouldwego]

At his age he probably still has a view of fairness and equality as most children do. I would focus my discussions with him around what is fair and just. So 'yes you got lovely toy from grandma and your brother got a yoyo but is that fair and just'. Adults do sometimes treat children differently but is that fair? How would you feel if I gave your brother 10 sweets and only gave you 3 sweets a week for no good reason?

[Mindhunter]

To sum up my exes way of thinking he told me in front of the kids last time that none of them care about him as they don't call to see how he is. I pointed out that they are children and it's not up to them to look after his welfare.

As for his mum it's always been a mystery where she gets all her cash from. She just seems to have a never ending source of money and I have no idea how. She works as a cleaner a couple of days a week.

I'm just so worried they are going to ruin my son with their never ending crap. I think I will take the advice to talk to the school about it. My mum seems to think they treat him differently as he is easily lead by things where the other two would rather go out and do things and are more confident and strong willed so can't be manipulated as easily.

[Mindhunter]

I know it's not always possible to give them all the same all the time but this is a constant thing every time they have him he comes back with so much junk it's ridiculous.

[Mindhunter]

I think talking to the pair of them is really never going to work is it as his mum used stuff to win him over so they are doing the same to d's. He's not very happy after weekends with them though.

[shouldwestayorshouldwego]

I would talk to my son not dh and his mother. Make him aware of the injustice so at least he learns to share and realise that the things are his due to inequality and luck. My dc have a fair few squabbles but they will share things out if they perceive an inequity in their treatment.

[Mindhunter]

I will have to talk to him again. I think this is going to be an on going battle isn't it to try and stop them from filling his head with all this crap. I just hope eventually he will see through their trying to win him over.

[Mindhunter]

So this is what I'm having to deal with. Ds has had the phone they bought him taken away as he asked me to buy a game for his Xbox for £40 I said no next thing I know I go in his room and he's playing on it. I ask how he got it and he says he called nan and she told him her card details to buy it! It's just ridiculous

[Mindhunter]

So I spoke to my son about whether he thinks the way he is treated compared to his younger brother is fair and he just came out with the same line his nan says of oh but younger d's doesn't want anything. It was like hearing his voice coming from him.

[Mindhunter]

Ok so I think something is really up. This is the third time he's had a full on meltdown before going to his dad's. He takes it all out on me saying he wishes i was dead etc then crys his eyes out before I leave. I've told him I will come and pick him up if he needs me but he kept saying dad is mean but wouldn't tell me why. I really feel they are messing with his head. I'm going to talk to the school next week and see what they say but something isn't right.

[Mindhunter]

I know I'm talking to myself but it's helping me to have somewhere to put all this

[altiara]

Do you think they’re pressuring him to say he wants to live with them? Or saying stuff about you?

[Mindhunter]

I really don't know he's a bit like me in the fact he doesn't really talk about his feelings until he finally snaps. He just seems very unhappy going round there. His younger brother who gets very little attention doesn't seem to bothered. I have a feeling they may try and use him getting stuff to bribe him to behave etc and lately he keeps getting in my bed which he never does. I know alot has changed in the last 8 months and he is bound to be affected but some things just no right. His aggression is getting worse too.

[lifetothefull]

You ANBU to dislike this, but it sounds like you are actually providing all your dcs with a stable upbringing on your side. Have confidence that you are doing the right thing and it will pay off in the long run. You are not going to be able to change the behaviour of your ex or his DM. Like pp have said, discussing the situation openly with dc (without being too judgmental if possible) will help.

[Mindhunter]

My god since saying not to buy anything they have only gone and bought a fucking pet for him (not saying what as it's outing) I've told them I don't want it in my house. This is getting beyond a joke.

[laura65988]

Put your foot down and explain to ure son he can't just fine n get what he wants u should have deleted game that's cheek and saying things like he hates u whv is this u have no clue what these idiot are saying to ure son do u not accept the pet it's there's not ures do u not see these pair of of Fanny's are still controlling u now it's through ure sun messing up his head and behaviour and don't get me started on ure poor thing other son who u allow to go with these people when he's treated differently and u're ok with this as he doesn't seem bothered do u really want ure kids to grow up one spoiled and the other feeling unloved he will resent his brother as he gets treated better than him stop contact and phone SW and get a valuation done as ure not happy that you're kids are in stable home and are being treated differently and it's upsetting everyone tell them how he was with u now he's using your kids to get to u uve wised up n it's the latest way to effect ure life and he's using ure kids and u are putting up with take actions don't just accept it tell that mob ure not interested in pet as u didn't want one so it can stay in u're home thanks and also tell mummy boy to tell his mum it's the last time she goes above ure head and buys a game and also u are not accepting the way your boys get treated differently and have them turn out 1 like a brat with anger issue and the other feeling not loved and differently so I'm giving u this weekend to set up rules and treat them the same if not then I'm seeking legal advice as u will no longer feel it's acceptable to go to your mums house yes its fine to see her for a few hours but u need to get ure own house and start looking after your children on ure own If u can't afford flat take back the pet and save money instead of taking them out and buying 1 son whatever he wants as the most kids are effected and your not standing back and watching it u will also be requesting a home check to make sure everything is ok and he can cope as some of the things he is doing are not Okey for children then say sorry I have to go xx