AIBU to think finding a good guy is a minefield?

[worrier32]

I've been in a long term relationship for the past 10 years that broke up recently.

I'm pretty anxious about eventually meeting someone new.. I mean you only have to read some of the threads on here to see there are some right horrible men around.

My ex was quite highly sexed, always wanted it more than I did. There were many times I felt pressured and just went along with things to get it out the way, which makes me feel a bit sad. I think he watched a lot of porn when I wasn't around.. which influenced him a lot(wanted anal, 3somes, pornified stuff etc), then occasionally wanted me to watch it with him which isn't really my thing.

He cheated on me by sexting other women many times over the years.

The point I'm getting at I suppose is if I do start dating soon, am I going to keep encountering these problems? Am i going to get guys asking for pics, sending dick pics etc. I just feel like I'm in a weird position never dated before at 32, as my ex was my only relationship.

I hated feeling like someone else had demands on my body. I enjoy sex and think it's part of a healthy relationship.. but in my last relationship I sometimes just felt like.. it's hard to put into words, he was affectionate and loving towards me yet sometimes I just felt like a piece of meat :(

I just want to meet someone respectful towards women in general. I don't think my ex would have any moral issues with having sex with a prostitute for example.

My best friends partner can also be horrible, emotionally abuses her and also sexts other women. It's so depressing.

AIBU to feel like it will be difficult to find someone without pornified expectations of sex, who actually respects women?

[Merryoldgoat]

I honestly don't know what dating is like now, been with DH for 12 years and he's my first proper long-term relationship.

However, what I can tell you is he's nothing like that. He's 36, does not expect pornified stuff, is staunchly faithful and open, treats me as an equal etc. and is typical among our friendship group so not a complete one off.

I have no advice about navigating the world of dating, but it's better to be single than with someone who doesn't respect you and treat you well. Hold out for the right person - you won't regret it.

[travellerexpat]

I split up from Ex about 2 years ago. We were together for 9 years. He was my first LTR although I had boyfriends (but not live in before).
I saw someone for a bit about 6 months ago and am tentatively online dating.
However I would give yourself a few months at least before you start looking for a new man. OLD is not for the faint hearted, and if you are feeling fragile, it will be upsetting.

[NancyDonahue]

Most men are lovely and respect their partners. I'm not saying they don't ever watch porn, but they can separate it from a loving relationship. You've been unlucky and so has your friend. Hang on in there and you'll find a good guy. Are you using dating sites? Personally I hate them. It's all about looks. How about starting new hobbies as a way to meet new people.. Male and female. My friend met her new husband at parkrun

[MrsTerryPratchett]

Tell them you're a feminist. That scares the shit ones off!

Have good boundaries from the start, make sure you are very plain about what doesn't work for you. And be yourself right from the start. Don't pretend. You'll lose a LOT of potentials that way but a lot of them will be wankers so meh.

I was lucky that the night I met DH I had to be... umm... forceful in my rejection of someone else (handsy wanker in a bar). It left no illusions on DH's mind that I put up with shit.

[Bellamuerte]

My DH is kind and respectful, would never cheat or be so rude as to send dick pics to someone. He does occasionally watch porn in private but certainly doesn't expect that sort of thing to happen in real life. There are lots of good men out there but you have to be willing to date them - a lot of women prefer the charismatic "bad boys" and aren't attracted to the quiet respectful gentlemen.

[Trinity66]

I've been with DH for 15 years so it's been a longtime since I was in that dating scene. Honestly though if anything ever happened to make me single again, I think I'd just be happy enough to stay that way (this is no reflection on DH btw, I adore him but over the years I've come to appreciate my own company alot more too)

[worrier32]

Thanks for your replies.

I don't think I'm ready for online dating yet! I'm quite an anxious person so am just trying to work on my confidence at the moment.

Haha Mrs Pratchett, telling them I'm a feminist sounds like a good idea.

@Bellamuerte that's exactly what I'm looking for really, a respectful nice person who isn't all brash. I'm quiet myself so looking for someone similar.

Tbf my ex wasn't particularly the loud, confident type but very much lived a lot of his life online.. which included porn. A lot of people were shocked when I told them about his sexting as he doesn't seem the "type."

I definitely need to think about what is and isn't acceptable for me, I don't want to get messed about or lied to again.

[hidinginthenightgarden]

Well, my DH is a good guy (not without his flaws but I am certainly not perfect!) but I was cheated on (and once emotionally abused) by at least 2 previous BF's. I also know that at least 2 of DH's mates cheat on their long term partners.
I think I know a similar amount of cheaters/assholes to "good guys". I also know a few women who treat their partners awfully.

[Polarbearflavour]

I came out of a long term relationship over a year ago. I was 30 and had never had to date. So I did online dating. It was scary but I never had any bad experiences. I did have around 10 first dates and it got exhausting having to tell men your life story over and over again.

I met now DP on Tinder within 3 months of being single and it’s going well. He’s lovely, I really feel part of his life and family and we are talking about moving in together, getting engaged in the future and children.

There are lovely men out there!