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Son still sleeps with mother

(118 Posts)
AIBUfan Tue 26-Dec-17 18:49:46

AIBU to think that (a) it's creepy that my OH's son still sleeps with his mother at 9 years old; (b) that my OH puts up with son and mother sleeping at his house, and I have to vacate.

Background history - OH's son's mother abducted him from the UK when he was very young. She will not allow her son to visit his father on his own.

OH "whispers" when on the phone to me whilst son and mother are there. The situation is delicate, as he has court orders in the UK giving him 50% custody, but they are not enforceable in the jurisdiction where his son's mother lives.

There are all sorts of issues arising from this, but one I cannot deal with is that the mother feels entitled to sleep in my OH's house (her son should of course sleep there, but why should she??); and that my OH's parents pay for her flights.


IMightMentionGriddlebone Wed 27-Dec-17 19:54:18

So how long have you been with your boyfriend?

Aridane Wed 27-Dec-17 19:46:44

Everyone at some point was a brand new poster...

Iwasjustabouttosaythat Wed 27-Dec-17 19:45:54

Ugh, brand new poster...

Ellisandra Wed 27-Dec-17 14:03:57

- my almost 9yo cosleeps all the time
- she would be even more likely to cosleep if away from our home with me
- especially to save beds being made up
- as they live in another country, it could be one where cosleeping is very common
- no way in hell would I fly her as an unaccompanied minor

Why are you not discussing this with your boyfriend?

Xmaspuddingdisaster Wed 27-Dec-17 13:28:58

I would assume that the mention of the child sleeping with his mum is to explain the absence of a separate bed for her, which might well mean she actually sleeps with her ex - but you’d need to know the people involved to know that.

KimchiLaLa Wed 27-Dec-17 13:22:36

My DN has never ever slept in a bed on his own.
It's the reason DH won't entertain my DD co-sleeping!

ILoveMillhousesDad Wed 27-Dec-17 13:13:03

It all sounds fishy. You definitely haven't got the full story.

The kid is 9 fgs. No way on this earth would I let my 9yo make a plane journey on her own!

TheFSMisreal Wed 27-Dec-17 12:54:55

You claim he's done everything to see and have a relationship with his son but evidently that's just not true. Even I'm beginning to suspect you may be the mistress. No a father cosleeping with his daughter is not creepy either

BitOutOfPractice Wed 27-Dec-17 09:56:49

I'd assume in these circumstances that your
DP's ex isn't an ex and she doesn't know about you

GingerIvy Wed 27-Dec-17 09:51:46

I suspect he is lying to you. You also sound pretty bitter and judgemental about his child's other parent.

My ex doesn't see our children unsupervised because he has a long history of mental health issues that he refused to seek treatment for, a history of alcohol abuse, and a history of abusive behaviour towards myself and the children. He has in the past told everyone who would listen that I am a horrible bitch that wouldn't allow him to see his children - I don't suppose the truth that he was abusive and that he happily goes for months on end (sometimes up to a year) without bothering to see see them or ask about them plays nearly as sympathetically to his family/friends.

WhatHappenedToSunday Wed 27-Dec-17 09:13:07

It's a child and mum.
Plenty ppl share when bisiting away from home and limited spare rooms

marcopront Wed 27-Dec-17 09:11:08

I live in a different country to DD's Dad and would take her to visit him and stay in his house. He would come to visit us and stay in our house as well. She is now 11. In the summer I took her there and then flew back before her and she flew as an unaccompanied minor. She will be flying both ways as an unaccompanied minor next week.
It's far easier for the child if both parents can stay in the same house. It is really hard to only see your father a few times a year and the level of comfort with him will not be that high and having Mum there makes it easier.

Bambamrubblesmum Wed 27-Dec-17 09:09:20

I agree there's a lot about this situation that doesn't ring true. Have you seen any court papers or evidence to support your OHs side of events? Or is it all from him and his family?

Bambamrubblesmum Wed 27-Dec-17 08:59:15

How long have you been with your OH?

harrypotternerd Wed 27-Dec-17 08:54:33

A lot of things don't add up. Firstly you can put a stop on a child's passport especially when there is a court order which means police will stop the child getting on a plane.
You said she was arrested? If she was then your OH will have been given residency and the ex would be charged.

Taylor22 Wed 27-Dec-17 08:48:48

If the son is in the U.K. Then your husband can get an emergency court order to stop him leaving.
Or he could just take away his passport.

shhhfastasleep Wed 27-Dec-17 08:30:05

I think he's lying to you, as well, op

NotSureThisIsWhatIWant Wed 27-Dec-17 08:16:23

I don’t know where that Seattle came from, it should read making the court AWARE of the abduction.

NotSureThisIsWhatIWant Wed 27-Dec-17 08:15:09

I think that it is true that bringing back a child that has been abducted can take years in court. But there is something that doesn’t make sense in what he is telling you: if he has an order, and the child is abducted and he makes the court Seattle of that, the parent who abducted the child will be arrested at the airport on return. He has not chosen to do this.

Normally court battles are extremely costly, not only on the financial side but the emotional side. I really find it very difficult to believe that they have had such a bitter battle and still can find themselves together under the same roof... ANY roof.

I think he is having you on this. It is much easier to say your evil ex doesn’t allow you to see the kids than explaining to the world you are actually not such a good parent. I think the whispering is because he wants to keep you to his side of the story or because he is saying nasty things about her and in both cases it is perfectly reasonable to whisper if she is around.

I understand that thing of not wanting to introduce new partners when the new one has been the OW but after all these years divorced, that doesn’t make sense either as it is perfectly reasonable for him and her to have moved on and have some well established relationships. Why does he has to ask you to move out while they are here? Why he doesn’t want his son to know about it? I doubt very much that living his life abroad he has any hopes that his parents can make up and end up together again. In that your partner is being very unreasonable and disrespectful.

There is one thing that is true of children rom previous relationships: They don’t go away. You can manipulate stuff around to ensure your OH has contact or no contact in your terms but that will break him inside as he will still be missing his kid. You can choose to accept the situation and play along considering contact is extremely sporadic or you can choose to end it and find another person with less baggage or more courage to make things right for his child, yourself and everyone involved.

shhhfastasleep Wed 27-Dec-17 08:10:38

Op never visits there (wherever there is). Her Oh has two properties- one here - which op appears to have no rights to - and one there where his son and the son's mother live. Son never visits UK since his Mum took him.
Alarm bells ringing for me all over this.
Is the son a British citizen?

Tipsntoes Wed 27-Dec-17 08:09:38

Is your real concern that mum and son aren't really co-sleeping but that Mum and DP might be?

Iwasjustabouttosaythat Wed 27-Dec-17 08:09:37

Um, you do realise he has a wife and family overseas and you’re the bit on the side, right? Why do you think you’ve never met the kid? I’ll wager the only person sleeping with the “ex” is your “D”P.

LML83 Wed 27-Dec-17 08:03:50

Sounds like your OH has to do what we says as you have said so this is one of those things. It is a lot to ask you to move out while they are there but sounds like he can't argue with ex. It's not fair but he wants he to come back.

What would you ideal scenario be? mum drops kid off and goes to hotel? I don't think that is best for ds who doesn't get to see dad often.

Most 9 year olds I know don't sleep in parents bed. But I don't think it is creepy. Just because they sleep in the same bed when away doesn't mean that is always the case. Would your OH have 2 spare rooms to allow them to sleep separately anyway?

ARudeAwakening Wed 27-Dec-17 07:59:55

Yes that could be the reason.
And good point...

I would still put your foot down about leaving your own home but perhaps just go out with friends / to the gym / pub etc a lot to give them space... don't let her have the expectation of you bending backwards so much for her or she'll expect it forever.

AIBUfan Wed 27-Dec-17 07:56:10

Of course he could do the same - however his son is at school, has friends, his life etc already established - so I think OH would not choose to deliberately turn his son's life upside down by being as callous as his son's mother has been.

It may that she thinks OH would do the same, and that would explain why she won't let their son stay with OH on his own?

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