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AIBU?

Telling new boss I have a 1yr old

30 replies

Neverender · 14/12/2017 09:51

Looking for practical advice here.

I have a new job and am meeting my team today, but my new boss doesn't know I have a baby (DD is 1). It didn't come up in the interview process at all and I'm confident I can do the job well.

AIBU to ask how I drop this into conversation now?

Part of me thinks I should have said so from the start and part of me thinks if I was a man, it wouldn't be relevant, so what should I do? Am I just massively over thinking this?!

OP posts:

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Rotorevolution · 14/12/2017 09:52

I wouldn’t make a point of saying it unless it comes up naturally.

LivingDeadGirlUK · 14/12/2017 09:53

What's it got to do with your job? I have never been asked if I have kids in an interview and would think it strange if I was.

greendale17 · 14/12/2017 09:54

No need to tell him until it naturally comes up in conversation

Neverender · 14/12/2017 09:55

Maybe it's just in my head then! This is my first job with a child and I just kinda feel like I've hoodwinked him in some way...Argh!

OP posts:

honeylulu · 14/12/2017 09:57

You don't have to say anything at all.
However if it means there will be some days you have to leave bang on time or would need advance notice to attend functions beyond a certain time then it would probably be practical to mention that now. My husband does nursery drop off for example so he told his new boss very early on that he couldn't do breakfast meetings without a fair bit of notice etc.

IfNot · 14/12/2017 09:58

You're right, if you were a man it wouldn't be relevant. Is it relevant for you?
Are you single or do you have a partner? Would your partner tell his boss unprompted? As long as you have your childcare organised it's none of their business. And sadly, while being a father makes employees more stable in the eyes of employers, being given seen as a mum makes them assume you're not ambitious/half checked out/ inflexible.
Why give them ammo.

Neverender · 14/12/2017 09:59

Thanks honeylulu that's exactly the sort of thing I'm worried about

OP posts:

Neverender · 14/12/2017 10:01

I have a DH and my DM is also around to help and childcare is all sorted, so I'm lucky there. DH's work are supportive where DD is concerned and have let him leave/work from home when she's been unwell etc.

So do I intentionally not say anything?

OP posts:

RaindropsAndSparkles · 14/12/2017 10:03

No need to venture it. No need to deny it.

NataliaOsipova · 14/12/2017 10:05

So do I intentionally not say anything?

No - you mention it if you wish to when it comes up naturally in conversation, unless there is some way in which it affects your job. When I was working and interviewing, I never asked anyone at interview if they had children - it's simply not an appropriate question. I don't think there's any need to be secretive about it at all, though.

Neverender · 14/12/2017 10:18

I need to chill out, right? I'm making this a huge deal in my head, and from what you're all saying it really isn't.

OP posts:

mindutopia · 14/12/2017 10:20

I think you're massively overthinking it. I would talk about it when it comes up in conversation in the office. Likely most people have kids (unless you are really young and you are working somewhere where everyone is really young). And they'll talk about their kids eventually, so I would talk about yours when that happens. I work in a field where having kids has traditionally been a bit taboo for women, women have been expected to be ambitious, married to their careers, driven, not distracted by family, etc. When I started my most recent job, it turns out I was the only one in the office (except for a few students we had working for us) who had just ONE child. Everyone else had like 2 or 3. Several worked part-time around the school run. One was term-time only. Everyone was super supportive.

maddiemookins16mum · 14/12/2017 10:38

Yep you're overthinking it. The chances are that at least 50% of your work colleagues will have children too.
(Naturally I would not have Fakedbooked my new boss by now to see if they had too).

CuriousaboutSamphire · 14/12/2017 10:42

Remember, it didn't come up in interview because they aren't allowed to ask, by law! So you haven't hoodwinked anyone.

Enjoy the job

Flomper · 14/12/2017 10:42

totally irrelevant. I only ever mention my kids if someone asks after I start work "Do you have kids?". Would expect exactly the same from anyone else.

DB24 · 14/12/2017 10:43

I wouldn't mention it until it naturally comes up.

suitcaseofdreams · 14/12/2017 10:44

Agree totally irrelevant....vast majority of people I work with have no idea that I have young twins....

LivingDeadGirlUK · 14/12/2017 10:50

Are you worried about being able to do your job? I am about to return to work and have been doubting my ability to brain anymore :P

Neverender · 14/12/2017 10:58

I've tested my return to work at my old job Living and I can definitely still brain - it just took a few days

OP posts:

murmuration · 14/12/2017 11:10

As above, only say something if it comes up naturally! I remember having what I call 'maternity-induced imposter syndrome' for about my child's first 2 years. Somehow I felt like I would be "shown up" that I couldn't do things and was paranoid that it would seem like I couldn't do my job anymore now that I had a kid. It sounds like you might have some of that? I got over it, but it took a while!

(And if you haven't heard of imposter syndrome, look it up! it's very common in women, and what you say about having 'hoodwinked' them is very classic)

lljkk · 14/12/2017 11:13

It's a huge deal in your personal life, which is fine, but it's incidental in your professional life. I wouldn't deliberately mention it. YOU are your own person.

nobutreally · 14/12/2017 11:15

Agree with everyone else that unless there are specific, work-related reasons to mention your child (eg childcare commitments which impact very directly on specific job commitments), you just talk about the job in hand. Same as you wouldn't mention that you have a dog (who you have a great dog-walker for); or your boiler (which may break down and require a day off work at some undisclosed time in the future); or tendency to drink one more port than you should (which might mean you get gout in the next 5 years...).

I think the thing when you have a small child is it's so important to you, you assume everyone needs to know! Do you know if your boss has kids? Did it impact on your decision to work there? No? Then assume your boss is the same :-)

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RedSkyAtNight · 14/12/2017 11:17

It's irrelevant unless they need to know for a work reason e.g. you can't stay for late meetings as you have to pick DC up from childcare; your child has lots of hospital appointments so you may need to take time off, but will ensure you give as much notice as you can etc...

Mentioning it in casual conversation is fine. I didn't know one of my close colleagues had DC for ages as he never mentioned them.

Pengggwn · 14/12/2017 11:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Blondephantom · 14/12/2017 14:46

I would just wait until there is a natural point in a normal conversation. For example, if asked about your weekend. ‘Oh, it was lovely. My husband and I took our little one for a walk.’ It isn’t a secret but it isn’t information that needs to be divulged, if that makes sense.

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