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AIBU?

To be irritated by friend constantly bailing?

21 replies

Fauchelevent · 07/12/2017 21:16

Friend of many years. She’s a good friend but tends to throw money at her friendships.

Since I have known her, she has been flakey. Not just with me, with everyone. If you make plans with her, she will decide on a whim to be somewhere else because someone else invited her somewhere else she’d rather be. Guaranteed she will not show up on time. We were due to live together at one point and she flaked AFTER we paid a deposit.

Recently invited her to a party, she agreed to come and then flaked. She has flaked on several dates with my friend because she decided she wanted to be somewhere else. We were due to meet up this weekend and I booked the tickets. All good. Emailed with a time. “Sorry but my friends invited me out because I’ve been sad. I’m not free anymore.”

AIBU to think this is not on? I was raised to honour obligations, even if you get a better offer. And if you have to cancel, the least you could do is let the people know at the earliest opportunity. She often offers to cancel on other plans to meet me, so it’s not me (cos i’m a bluddeh riot) but just thar she has no social awareness. You shouldn’t cancel because you have a better offer. AIBU? Everyone would tell me she’s an excellent friend and she is... but I can’t bear this behaviour.

OP posts:

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TrollTheRespawnJeremy · 07/12/2017 21:19

Maybe she's not that invested in her friendship with you because you're not a great friend to her?

These things can go both ways.

If it's annoying you then call her on it and see what she says.

KERALA1 · 07/12/2017 21:21

I couldn't bear this op. No morals or manners. I only bail if I'm literally ill. Your word is your bond - you don't commit then bail for a "better" offer . Appreciate I may have been born in wrong century

Fauchelevent · 07/12/2017 21:28

Troll As I said, she does this to everyone and offers to bail on other friends to see me. I’d like to raise it with her, but I’m thinking to wait for when the bailing is in my benefit (ie; when she says she’ll cancel on me to see me) so it causes less issues.

Kerala my Mother was very old school and raised me this way. You don’t bail because you got a better offer. You rearrange the better offer, otherwise people start to see where they stand in your list of priorities.

OP posts:

melj1213 · 07/12/2017 21:51

but I can’t bear this behaviour.

But you do, because you facilitate and enable her behaviour.

Personally, I would no longer make any arrangements with her that required any kind of financial output - so no tickets/events - and every time she did bail on an engagement I would call her on it and point out how inconvenienced you have been.

I am a single working mum, and whilst I have a lot more free time than some single mums because I share 50/50 custody of my DD and so every other week I am child free, so my free time is precious and I don't want to waste it on flakey friends bailing on arrangements.

Barbie222 · 07/12/2017 21:56

Ghost this friendship or at least cool it down so that she organises things a few times in a row before you call her.

toriatoriatoria · 07/12/2017 21:58

This would make me really unimpressed. If you make plans (especially with financial outlay) then unless something major happens (illness for example) then you should stick to then

I've got a friend who sounds very similar. I've realised that clearly I'm not a priority for her, so I'm taking a step back. I doubt she's noticed, but I'm fed up with being messed around.

LouiseBrooks · 07/12/2017 22:10

Everyone would tell me she’s an excellent friend and she is...

No she's not. She ditches you whenever she gets a better offer. She's not worth your time.

I had a friend like this and in the end I decided enough was enough. I haven't seen her for two years and despite the fact that I'd known her for around 25 years (and we were once very close) I don't miss her at all.

AfterSchoolWorry · 07/12/2017 22:13

Why do you keep making arrangements with her?

I don't do flakes.

Butterymuffin · 07/12/2017 22:21

Don't make any more plans with her that require an investment from you - ie, don't buy tickets, don't agree to do anything where you're dependent on her being there. If it's coming round to your house or going out with a larger group, so that when she doesn't show you can just crack on with it, OK. But not other things. And wait to see if she notices. Or tell her why you're (not) doing whatever it is.

Tobebythesea · 07/12/2017 22:25

Life is too short for this crap. She’s doesn’t value you or your time.

RhiWrites · 07/12/2017 22:30

Text her back.

“Hon, I’m your friend too and I invited you to this event and you said yes. I’ve bought the tickets because you said you would go. Now you’re bailing? Why?”

MsAdorabelleDearheartVonLipwig · 07/12/2017 23:01

Could you respond with ‘but you weren’t free to accept their offer, you’d already made plans with me’?

I’ve got a friend like this. All over me when it suits her. I spent a long time being quite hurt until I realised she did it to other people too. I just think she has no idea how bloody irritating it is. You’re right, it makes you realise where you are in their priorities.

Fauchelevent · 08/12/2017 06:28

All these responses are really great! When I’ve pulled her up on it before she gets annoyed and asks why I’m being awkward about it - I think she genuinely doesn’t realise there’s an expectation that when you give your word to be somewhere, you don’t then make other plans for the same date.

OP posts:

Shadow666 · 08/12/2017 06:42

How would she react if you flaked on her?

Ypu have two options really, suck it up or call her on it/avoid her.

IfYouDontImagineNothingHappens · 08/12/2017 06:44

Call her out. "I've had a think overnight and..."

pictish · 08/12/2017 06:54

Yes it's rude. If she does it to everyone she obviously doesn't realise or care that it's rude. I see nothing wrong with letting her know it's not on and you're not for putting up with it. Rhi's text is good as is Adorabelle's.

"But you weren't free to accept their offer as you already had plans in place with me. I invited you to this event and you said yes. I’ve bought the tickets because you said you would go. Now you’re bailing on me for a better offer? You're my friend and I do love you but please don't treat definite plans with me as just an option...it's rude."

sothatdidntwork · 08/12/2017 07:12

How do other people react when she flakes? Has anyone ever explained to her that if you've made a prior arrangement and particularly (though not only) if someone has bought tickets, pulling out without a good reason is rude?

Did she offer to reimburse the ticket price op - I know it's not about the money, but interested to know how she sees that panning out.

I don't bother with flakes any more - but I know in real life it is not always so easy if there are other reasons why the friendship is valuable to you. Interestingly I've noticed that if I've dropped a flake it hasn't tended to come running after me - which perhaps suggests that the flakiness does reflect a genuine lack of regard for the friendship! Though now I come to think of it there haven't been that many occasions, so perhaps that is not a statistically valid conclusion!

SabineUndine · 08/12/2017 07:18

I used to have a friend who phoned me to cancel a planned evening out because she’d been invited to a party. I never contacted her again.

pictish · 08/12/2017 10:28

Yep I once had a flakey but still very dear friend who bailed, cancelled and turned up late for everything too. We had been friends for nearly 20 years by the time I'd just had enough of being treated like an option and having my time wasted. I decided to confront her and it led to a row as she angrily defended her 'right' to treat people like an afterthought. Like with your friend she was the same with everyone. I cooled things after that and she never did make an attempt to patch it up or apologise. I realised that she simply did not possess the capacity to consider anyone but herself. She couldn't be a good friend if she tried.
I don't miss her. Life is too busy and short to put time aside for people who don't have any regard for me.

Fauchelevent · 08/12/2017 19:13

Again really great responses - this is my first AIBU amd I was expecting “maybe YOU should plan better”. The thing is, I am sure theoretically her heart is in the right place - she’s a lovely person with a pure heart. I think she just lacks social mores. she’s very often late and in general neither her organisation nor her awareness of the world around her is impressive. She’s quite clueless and I think I would be doing a kindness to say, this makes people feel bad... but... she takes criticisms badly and as pictish said often defends her right to do it because... I don’t know, something about self-care. But self-care does not mean not giving a fuck about others and doing whatever you want!

OP posts:

AntiHop · 08/12/2017 19:15

She's being really rude.

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