regarding contact and my pig of an ex???

[astraea]

Right, so this may take a little explaining.

I separated from my husband of 25 years nearly 2 years ago after finding out he had been having an affair for a year with a work colleague. Ex works nights. contracted to 3 nights a week (10pm to 6am) but does overtime also. We have 5 children together, although only the younger 2 (5 and 13) are under 18. He now lives with the woman in question.

I work full time in a very stressful job Monday to Friday.

Previously we had an arrangement where he gave me £200 a month child maintenance and he would have the kids 2/3 nights a week. He would tell me on the Sunday/Monday of that week when he could have the kids that week. Not ideal but I worked around it.

About 2 months ago he requested that we have shared care agreement. He stated that he would have them 3 nights one week then 4 the next. Said we would go halves on expenses for the kids and he would no longer give me any maintenance. He said he still could not guarantee which nights it would be but he would give me more notice. I insisted that if it was going to be shared care, he needed to ensure he had the kids 2 weekends a month. He reluctantly agreed to this.

Started off ok for the first month. Then he had to go on 3 weeks training for work. Messed me about with when he could have them and as he left early to get a train to training. I was picking the 5 yr old up to take him to school.

He had them for a weekend on October 28th. I asked him to have them the weekend of 18th November as I was going away. this is the only weekend he has had them in November. He said he was going to have them this weekend (2nd/3rd December) so I made plans for my Christmas meal with my friends. He then text the next morning and said he has to work that weekend now and it may be the 15th before he can have them for the weekend.

I told him that the agreement was not working and I had really had enough of the situation. His job has ruled my life for nearly 2 years. I can never make any plans because I don't know when he is having them.

He says I am being unreasonable as his job is in retail so this is the busiest time of the year. He also said that as he has them 3 or 4 night on school nights, he is fulfilling his side of the agreement.

He then got my adult daughters involved who said that he was worried about redundancies at work. I said that to be honest I did not really care about this as my children are the priority, they need routine and structure and they have neither and I have played ball for too long now.

I told him I was thinking of going through court for a child arrangement order and he said that I was being completely unreasonable and would tear the family apart even more. I cannot have a civil conversation with him despite 2 years of trying. This man is regularly abusive towards me, calls me names, insults my new partner, threatens to get me sacked from my job, tells me my older kids think I am a joke, and that i am a sh*t mother for going out for drinks/clubs approx. 2 nights a month etc etc. he was abusive and controlling when we were together and this will never change.

I am at a loss of what to do now. My older kids are begging me not to go to court, but I cannot continue to live like this, never knowing from one week to the next when I have the children. I have been with my current partner for nearly a year now and it is a nightmare never knowing where I am with childcare etc. And in a 7 week period he will only have had them on one weekend.

AIBU to go to court or should I give him one last chance? Hope this all makes sense.

[pingu73]

Go to court so everyone knows where they stand including the kids.
He’s trying to dictate the rules and that’s not fair.

[Caroelle]

Have you considered mediation? You will have to attend this any way if you do apply to the court, so it’s worth trying first of all.

[Frouby]

Seperate the 2 issues in your mind.

He isn't sticking to the shared care agreement so he pays the full rate of.CMS.

With regards seeing the dcs he lets you know 7 full days before as an absolute minimum. If he is contracted for 3 nights he must know when they are. He can pick overtime up when he doesn't have the dcs. If he doesn't like it he takes you to court.

[astraea]

I am happy to attend mediation, although I do not think we would get anywhere as his stance is that he needs his job to pay for his children so I should take that into account and make allowances

[astraea]

and apparently he was originally contracted for the same 3 nights every week, but now it has all changed and he does not find out what nights he is doing until he sees the rota, like the weekend before. Its ridiculous and I cannot continue to have everything in mine and my children's lives dictated by his job.

he is insistent he wants to continue with shared care.

If I went to court would a judge take his work issues into account?

[Cantgetagoodusername]

YANBU, your & your DC's cannot have the stability that you all need.

Shared care does work, but there needs to be a structure to it. I have shared care of my DD on a 4-3-4-3 basis. The weekends are split evenly over the month (1 weekend each & 2 split weekends).

For shared care to work your ex needs to realise that then he has the DC's it is his responsibility to provide childcare etc if needed. You're not a fall back. They're in his care at that time.

I would try mediation.

[AlternativeTentacle]

Has he stopped paying maintenance as well?

[astraea]

Yes. he stopped paying maintenance altogether about 2/3 months ago on the agreement that we had proper shared care including him having them 2 weekends a month

[pingu73]

I have shared care and it’s alt weeks that we have our daughter much less stress

[Badmistake999]

Sounds like a complete pain in the arse, I’d try mediation/court.

[Wolfiefan]

So if he has to work when he has the kids then he has to sort out childcare. Like every other working parent.
I would go to court.

[Mylady]

As above - plus tell your ilder kids if they are so concerned they should be his childcare !

[astraea]

Hmmm. It's such a hard situation. He manipulates the older kids and makes himself out to be the victim.

He is now saying that things will be better from January and that I should understand that this is his job. I've been more than flexible I think.

Alternative weeks is something to think about. Would a judge allow him to continue changes which days he has them due to work commitments?

[astraea]

And as far as childcare goes. He thinks telling me "sorry I'm training/working etc next week so can't have them" absolves him of all responsibility and leaves sorting childcare to me! Does not take into account that I work full time.

[AnneLovesGilbert]

You have a job that pays for the DC as well and you’re entitled a life and to be able to make plans. Your DC are entitled to know where they’re going to be and when. His shilly shallying won’t fly with the younger ones for long even if you don’t put your foot down. And your older ones aren’t affected by it at all so tell them to back off.

He’s being completely unreasonable. From the outside it’s nuts! You have to start with mediation anyway before court, though if he refuses to go you then go straight to court. You’re not threatening or blackmailing him. You and your DC need to be able to get on with your lives. Your ex and his job aren’t the only important factor here. He’s an ass.

I don’t know what a judge would say but I don’t think you have anything to lose right now.

[TitaniasCloset]

Can't you also have a chat with your older children and somehow explain to them that it's not ok for him to tell them certain details that are between you and him. That you try not to involve them in fights because that's not what a parent should do. I feel sorry for them, my dad would drag us into his fights with my stepmom, they are far too young to understand.