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Aibu to say do it properly or don't do it at all

(13 Posts)
Narnia72 Sun 12-Nov-17 22:04:42

I am trying v hard to cut my DH some slack. We are not communicating well at the moment, I'm hugely angry at him because he quit his job saying he couldn't cope (teacher in a pru so very stressful), and has since made no attempt to get a new job, saying he needs to destress first. This was at end of July. Since then, he's supposed to be doing up the house but we don't seem to be progressing. Part of the problem is I work from home and so we are with each other a lot - too much.

So, he is helping with domestic stuff around the house, and he is trying to do it, but doing it wrong. It's then taking me more time to sort it out after he's done it wrong and it's really pissing me off.

I am trying to let go as much as possible, but some things I can't.

Some examples - making inedible tea that the kids won't eat (he's obsessed with getting fish into them but they hate it, especially when he makes a revolting fish pie) and then grumping that his efforts aren't appreciated and leaving me to clean it up (we have a rule that one cooks and one cleans, but it's always a lot more work for him to clean up after me than vice versa)

Going shopping and buying things that we don't like and won't eat, just because they're on special offer. I have told him what doesn't work, but he persists in buying things like radicchio because it's 20p and then cooking it in an "unusual" way. We all hate it, whichever way it's cooked and I've actually give him a list of things not to buy, which is ignored.

Changing the bed. He never does it, I always do, except tonight, where for some reason he's left most of the bed unmade, so I was always going to have to do it before bedtime, but inexplicably has put a double duvet cover on our king size duvet. It doesn't even fit, so I've had to take it off and put a king size one on. It's purple, all of ours are white and have been for the last 10 years, so gok only knows why.

But the thing that's driving me to distraction is the putting away of laundry. He washes it, not separating colors from white, so everything looks a bit grey, hangs it out badly so everything needs ironing (I straighten before hanging so as to get away with minimal ironing) and then leaves it until it's a mountain then puts it all in the wrong place. I have lost 2 pairs of trousers - looked in everyone's wardrobes and can't find them, I've just found one of the girl's dresses (age 9) in my drawers, and none of the uniform that needs to be ironed is anywhere obvious. It all has names in, so should be the easiest thing to get right.

So now I have to root through all the bedrooms trying to reunite items with owners before school tomorrow.

I know I am probably being hugely u, I just needed to rant. It's great that he's trying to do stuff, but I have explained, as nicely as I can, where everything goes and how I do stuff to save time and effort, and he agrees then doesn't. I am not a control freak, our house is a massive untidy mess and I am rubbish at lots of things in it, but this is just frustrating.

He's just come up expecting praise for putting the duvet cover on and asked why I changed it. I explained nicely and he said well I've no idea what goes on which bed. White - king, ours, coloured - double, son's, everything single is the girls'. It's not hard, is it?

TractorTedTed Sun 12-Nov-17 22:07:21


This would drive me crackers. You must be a saint for not having already strangled him!

Justbookedasummmerholiday Sun 12-Nov-17 22:07:32

He needs a job before you need a solicitor.I work and dh is a sahp. After 3 years i still get 'laundry rage'
It won't get any better.

WhatchaMaCalllit Sun 12-Nov-17 23:18:47

I'm getting the rage from reading this post OP.
I'm with JustBooked - either he gets a new job outside the home pdq or gets the one in the home right. No point in wasting money on food that isn't going to be eaten. It's just wasting food no matter what way he cooks it.
Sit down with him. Tell it to him straight - either do the housework properly. Laundry is done properly (colours separated from whites & darks), hung up and where necessary ironed. Bedding is put on the right beds. It's not that just because we have vaginas that we know a double duvet cover can't go on a king size duvet, he can and should know that too. It's just logic. If he wants to waste money on food then he can waste his own money and not household money on it.
This situation would just drive me round the bend.
Could it be he's bored and needs to find a new job just one that isn't as stressful as his previous one?

gobster Mon 13-Nov-17 00:28:46

Things like this driving me nuts because the minute you criticise, he'll get huffy and he won't do it at all citing he can't do it right so why bother!

No advice just lots of sympathy

Though sounds like he got out of doing too much before because he worked

LemonysSnicket Mon 13-Nov-17 00:40:21

You're not being unreaso able at all. It's like he's an eccentric house elf. He's an adult how does he not know how to do this shit what a man child.

Modestandatinybitsexy Mon 13-Nov-17 02:20:21

Why the fuck are you fixing his mistakes?! I would have told him the bedcover was wrong and he only did a half arsed job and sent him to finish it with a boot up his bum.

Also if the uniform is required, tell him, and make him locate it! As you said, it should be easy as it’s named. He put it away. He’s a teacher he should at least know what uniform is needed.

Trouble is there’s no consequence to him being useless. He get you running around fixing it before any fallout. What would have happened if you’d left him to discover the bed wasn’t quite as it should be at bedtime?

BeerBaby Mon 13-Nov-17 03:10:16

I live with one of these and it drives me up the wall. Get him out the house! He doesn't sound very well so maybe the time out of teaching is good. Loads of other jobs though 😁

Threenme Mon 13-Nov-17 03:17:17

YANBU my husband does literally nothing round the house because of this. I don't know if he's thick because he can't do it or a genius because he's not allowed now! His one redeeming feature is he's a brilliant cook but it's honestly not worth the hassle of the mess it creates!

pigeondujour Mon 13-Nov-17 07:44:48

I'd be beyond livid if everyone except him was out of the house all day (and not even by prior agreement with you) and then expected to come in and eat shit food they didn't like to appease his laziness. I'd also be absolutely raging at colours being washed with whites. Expecting praise for putting the wrong duvet cover on? I hope he isn't expecting you to want sex with him while he's behaving like that.

DelphiniumBlue Mon 13-Nov-17 07:51:33

If he's a teacher he must be able to organise properly, so is this a mini rebellion?
How does he react when you spell out how to do basic household chores ( in a house he has been living in for as long as you?)
It could be to do with stress, but more likely, annoying blokeness.
You have my sympathy.

Sayyouwill Mon 13-Nov-17 08:00:48

I 100% empathise with you. Are we married to the same man?!
My DH put shake n vac down and forgot to hoover it up (not good with crawling babies around), he put mismatching pillow cases on (one was a paw patrol one, the other a lilac flowery one I’ve never seen before). He decided to soak a pan on our balcony, didn’t tell anyone. I found it frozen.
Just madness!!

HTKB Mon 13-Nov-17 08:28:14

Does he have any young children he is at home with or are they all at school? If so, why is the house a massive untidy mess? Could he not embark on a ruthless and thorough declutter and organisation of the house? It would make a huge difference. We are organised here and I can't imagine losing clothes, there is nowhere they could go.

I'd sit him down and talk him through the parts of your day/week that stick and don't run smoothly, and work out WITH him systems that work for both of you. And get him on board with a big sort out and overhaul of your domestic set up.

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